A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

On Sunday I’ll be a whopping 36 years old.

So, before I entered into this long weekend of celebration I thought I’d sit down and spend a few moments reflecting on the years that have flown by.

Upon reflecting I decided to write myself a quick little note recapping some of the highlights I thought my dumbass would want to know if I should ever be lucky enough to do this whole life thing all over again.

A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

1) Music can get you through the most fucked-up of times.

2) Sometimes just sitting in an airport with your best friends laughing like hell as you people-watch and wait for someone to step on a chewed piece of gum in the middle of the floor is all you need at that very moment in life.

3) If you’re a dude…never…and I mean never masturbate without lube.

4) When you’re in middle school, do not tape a mirror to your shoe so you can look up girls’ skirts. It doesn’t work and makes teachers a little angry.

5) Bacon

6) That time you fall in the snow, can’t move, and get molested from behind by a very large dog in front of all your friends who were laughing too hard to do anything to help. Yeah….you’d do the same.

7) You’ll spend a good part of your life wishing you could do your honeymoon over again with the wife. And then again.

8) Brace yourself for that first flight you make from NY to NC. Your cousin will introduce you to Led Zeppelin popping your ear’s virginity. Welcome to the land of music my friend.

9) Parading in front of your wife at 11 p.m. wearing nothing but her panties is not a smart thing to do unless she’s drunk.

10) You’ll sext your wife once. Only once. Give it time, you’ll see why and it won’t be pretty.

11) Do not spend even one second of time trying to make your wife laugh when she’s in the last stages before pushing a human out of her vagina.

12) After running a marathon, avoid walking down flights of stairs for at least four days.

13) As a horny teenager, it’s best to close your room door when you “plunk your twanger” because I guarantee your mom will bust your sorry ass.

14) DO NOT go see Paula Abdul in concert because you think that will get you to second base with your girlfriend. You won’t even get a kiss and a piece of your music soul will die that night!

15) Standing naked and holding your “package” in front of your wife as you say, “This is the Honey Badger. It's pretty bad-ass, look at it go….” Will NOT turn her on.

16) Don’t ever hand your 2-year-old a ginger root to chew on when you’re not 100% sure what a ginger root even tastes like cause you’re still a rookie at cooking.

17) Standing up in the middle of a math test in 9^th grade and shoving an ink pen in the fan for no apparent reason is not smart. Not smart at all.

18) That first tattoo you get…yeah, you probably should have thought twice.

19) When your first child finally comes into the world he won’t breath for almost a minute, but hang tight….all will be good.

20) When your brother talks you into hiding your report cards from your parents for half a summer so he won’t get in trouble and can enjoy his time, don’t…..fucking…..do it.

21) Go see that Pearl Jam and Ben Harper concert again, only this time sneak your ass to the front row.

22) Yeah, ummm…remember that Indian pipe you hit with a few other friends that night in college. Yeah….it’s laced. Run away my man – run away!!!

23) DO NOT wear those jams to school that your mom keeps making you from scratch! They give you a “butt in front” look and will get you almost killed.

24) Don’t listen to what people say. 90210 sideburns are still badass in 2011.

25) That red thong you bought yourself, thinking you girlfriend (now wife) would be turned on by it? Yeah….not so much. Actually, you know what? Fucking buy it and wear the hell out of it!!

26) Keep sneaking out of the house in middle and high school. You never get caught my man.

27) At some point in your life you’re gonna get manipulated into a whole host of bad shit. And you’ll have to continue to deal with lies and manipulation from that person. Rise above and enjoy life brother.

28) In 2010 your wife and children will get wide-eyed and beg you to buy a Cavalier King Charles. Throw a temper-tantrum and never give in!!!

29) No matter how hungry you are….never…and I mean NEVER buy sushi from Target and eat it.

30) The relationship you build with your children will be the most humbling experience of your life. Let it motivate you.

31) Your wife is the single strongest, greatest, most supportive and loving woman you’ll ever have the joy of sharing a life with. Embrace it and never let a second slip by.

32) Your wife does not think it’s cool that you can make your limp pecker look like a helicopter blade simply by flinging it around in circles really fast.

33) Do not walk into Pet Smart and joke to the lady who’s about to shampoo your dog by saying, “and if you find the dog’s hair just a bit too difficult to wash, we give you permission to just put him down.” They don’t find that humor funny there genius.

34) Don’t spend your life staring at people in stores. It will only motivate them to talk to you about the most drivel shit in their lives.

35) In middle school you’re gonna start using Skoal and not stop for 10 years. Don’t freakin’ do it my man. Your mouth will thank you.

36) You are one lucky lucky bastard to have lived the life you’ve been given. Send yourself another note in 36 more years with even better shit to brag and warn me about.

Working From Home Makes Me Stabby

For years I used to be envious of those who work from home.

I used to imagine them waking at 8:59 a.m., hair in Einstein mode as they walked down stairs to log onto the computer.

No lines to the coffee maker or having to fake interest as that annoying co-worker shows you 231 freshly printed pictures of their 4-year-old kid’s birthday party the day before.

The joy of being able to stroll upstairs and relax for the morning bathroom break without worrying about Bob sitting down in the stall next to you and blowing a hole in the back of the toilet.

Well let me be the first to tell you it’s not so grand.

You don’t believe me do you? Fine!

Here’s a few highlights of how my day went yesterday.

Let me first set the stage. We have a dog (it’s my wife’s, I don’t claim it), a cat, a daughter who attends half-day kindergarten, a neighbor’s kid that hangs out during the day (which is cool…he’s a good dude), and my wife also works from home four days out of the week, part-time.

6:45 – 7:55 a.m. – Alarm goes off. I wake the boy, make his lunch, feed him, tell him 157 times to take a bite of cereal, and then drop him off at school.

8:14 a.m. – Go to the grocery because we have no bread, milk, or cat food.

8:40 a.m. – Log into work.

8:42 a.m. – Let the dog outside because he rang his bell by the door which means he wants out.

8:44 a.m. – Let the dog back inside because he’s barking…..at nothing.

9:32 a.m. – Step outside to take a call from the boss because my daughter’s screaming because she doesn’t want to wear the shirt her mother’s telling her to wear.

10:02 a.m. – Tear-ass down the street after my wife’s dog which my daughter let out of the front door.

10:24 a.m. – Go to the bathroom.

10:26 a.m. – Stand up from the bathroom before finishing because the neighbor’s kid is jumping up and down outside the door screaming “I’m gonna have an accident Justin!!! Hurry!!!”

10:36 a.m. – The dog rings his bell to be let outside.

10:37 a.m. – Let the dog back in because he’s barking at the wind.

11:00 a.m. – Step in cat puke filled with pieces of our indoor plants he’s eating.

11:11 a.m. – Lose Internet connection because the wife decided to rearrange her desk and unplug the Wi-Fi without warning me.

11:34 a.m. – Apologize to the other professionals on the conference call I’m on because my daughter just walked in the door and screamed “Macy’s in the house!!!!!”

11:45 a.m. – Take daughter to school.

12:05 p.m. – Shun the dog for chewing a hole through my wife’s sandals while I was out taking the daughter to school.

12:30 p.m. – Ask the wife if she’s up for a little afternoon “action.”

12:31 p.m. – Go back to my desk excited because the wife said “not today” which means maybe tomorrow!!

12:46 p.m. – Run to the front window because the high-school drop-out drug dealing 16-year-old kid is fighting with his girlfriend on his front lawn again.

12:58 p.m. – Yell down to the wife that he dog just peed on kitchen rug….again.

1:09 p.m. – Strongly consider buying a bottle of Jack and killing it.

And it goes on…..There’s four more hours of this.

I’m seriously considering making the local coffee shop my new office. Although I’m so damn ADD I’d spend the entire day people-watching and being distracted by bright shiny things.

So maybe I’ll visit the dog-pound instead.



Stopping The Time Continuum

My son is slowly killing me!

It’s true. And he’s doing it with one simple little phrase “hold on, one sec!”

With that one little phrase the boy truly feels the time continuum comes to screeching halt.

Parents slow to a grind. Soccer games, swimming lessons, school, homework…everything that he should be helping to arrive to on-time is slammed with a huge “pause” button and shelved for kick-ass things like shuffling through eight-foot-high stacks of Pokemon cards, SpongeBob, and burying his sister in pillows.

Of course if I were being truthfully honest I’d take a portion of the blame. After all, I am the dumb-ass that waited until it was time to go before I ask the boy to stop what he’s doing, stand, put on a coat, and walk out of the large rectangular door.

No, I clearly must secretly enjoy the pain and still go by adult time rather than children time.

Instead I say, “OK, grab your shoes and coat and let’s go!”

Son: “Hold on, one sec daddy.”

He then immediately throws on the jittery, jerky, fast-moving motions like he’s going as fast as he can to finish what he’s doing so he can leave as per my request.

His eyes are darting all over the room like he’s trying to locate his shoes and coat, but in reality in his tiny little brain he’s thinking, “OK, if I stand here long enough looking like I might implode he’ll leave to go get my shoes for me giving me enough time to finish watching SpongeBob while I give the dog Macy’s favorite dolly to chew on while we’re gone!”

Me: “Grayson, seriously…you’re shoes are right next to you. Put them on your feet and let’s go!”

Grayson: “OK daddy…one sec!”

This is when he quickly runs up the stairs.

Me: “Oh my god!!! Where in the world are you going son?!!”

He then throws on the fake urgent mumbled voice knowing damn good and well I can’t hear a word he’s saying and that I’ll be way too lazy to go up the stairs after him.

Me: “Dude!!!!! I’m going to carry you out the door in one second!!”

He then comes running down the stairs with absolutely nothing in his hands, blows by me, and heads to the table to start shuffling through his Pokemon cards.

Which makes sense because in his mind time has literally stopped. The bitching and stomping his old man is doing is not really happening. The clock hasn’t moved one second.

He dropped the “hold on, one sec” so he’s got all the time in the world.

Meanwhile the blood has rushed to my head leaving my fingers numb, a gray hair pops to the surface of my massive head, and my heart is pounding out of my chest as I try like hell to keep my cool.

This is the point in which I shock the hell out of him by breaking his little time stopping trick, grab him by the back of his shirt and physically move him towards his shoes and the door.

Which is always met with, “OK DADDY!!! I was just about to get my shoes….geeeze!!!”

And now, I’m an asshole, the worst father ever, and in his mind, the poster-child for lack of patience.

Tomorrow I think I’ll wake him up at 5 a.m. to start getting him ready for the 8 a.m. start-of-school bell.

Think he’ll learn his lesson then?

Yeah, me either.



Things I Miss When the Mother-In-Law Visits

For the past week my wife’s mother’s been hanging out at the abode helping referee the kids during their never-ending spring break.

She hopped off the plane direct from North Carolina last week and has since managed to keep our kitchen clean, our clothes folded, and our kids corralled.

Am I about to complain even for a second? Hell no.

But despite the love she’s shown, you can’t help but look forward to getting life back to the way it was, right? I mean, let’s contemplate the top few things I miss when my saint of a mother-in-law is in the hizouse:

• Enjoying a rare 15 min. of semi-interrupted time on the only toilet in the house without having to deal with my insecurities and psychotic thoughts surrounding someone else knowing that I pooped.It’s true, I have serious issues surrounding pooping in public and other’s knowing that I’ve just pooped. But that’s another story for another time.

• Knowing my (men’s underwear + panties = ) manties have not been touched by anyone but myself or the wife.

I’m not gonna lie. I love coming home after work and seeing piles of neatly folded laundry relaxing on top of my made bed.

But what gets me a bit freaked is when I see my manties folded neatly in a perfect square to be kindly put away for safe keeping. I mean, she’s touching where all my dangly bits touch!!

• Yelling at my dog without her saying, “awe, he’s just a puppy.”

My common response is, “you pet him he’s yours Ms. Mother-In-Law person!!”

• OK damn it…I masturbate. There, I said it. Can I do it when the mother-in-law is in the house? Yes! But it’s gotta be strategic, stealthy, and no mistakes can happen. And sometimes that’s just damn exhausting. But I do it anyway… I mean no I don’t!!

• There’s nothing better than walking downstairs completely nude at 5 a.m., fixing a cup of coffee, and just chilling for 30 minutes in the buff before pounding out some miles on the road with a run.

Can I do that with the slightly older Mrs. Wife in the abode? No….it’s just too damn risky. For her sake that is….

• I’m a habitual toucher of the wife. I’m the guy that can’t help myself but to lovingly tap the wife’s buttocks when she walks by or on rare occasions, cop a feel in her upper regions. And, like most women, it usually results in a “can’t I just walk by you without you groping me?” comment.

To which I usually respond, “I’m just celebrating your gorgeous body sweety!”

It’s just not the same when her mother’s watching. You’d think it would be better…but it’s just not.

I could go on…but I’ll save you.

And since my mother-in-law is known to randomly surf my blog, I’ll just end it with:

I love you Nanna!!



The Journey To A Warm Sunny Morning

Last night was just hard parenting night.

The boy was studying for his science test, which to us seemed like he was studying for his MCATs.

The daughter? She was spouting sentences beginning with “Can I have…”faster than Lindsay Lohan’s right hand in a jewelry store.

The wife? She was looking at me with a tear in one eye.

Me?

I tried to find my happy place.

And once I’m there, I just know that one day…

I’ll slide into my favorite chair on the back porch, in the sun, placed in just the right spot where I perch my feet perfectly enough to rest my head back just enough to feel the warmth of the morning sun.

The smell of coffee and the amazing sounds of South San Gabriel engulf me.

It’s the year 2022, my youngest left for college a week earlier.

The dining room is filled with family picture books, empty bottles of wine, wet floor-boards from last night’s tears, and the wife is still sleeping upstairs comfortably.

When I open my eyes I see the boy walking towards me with his bike, sporting his grey helmet saying, “come on dad!! Let’s go for a ride!”

His innocence and love to share life with good people immediately warms me.

And when I close them I see my daughter in her pretty fancy red dress running up to me, turning around and saying “zip me up daddy!”

Her raw emotion, passion and love makes me want to just hold her.

I’ll reach down, grab my cell and send them both just simple text knowing damn well they’ll see it hours later when they finally creep out of their college, stank-filled beds. They’ll probably shrug it off, maybe take a second to respond, possibly post it on a future “I wish my parents didn’t have a damn cell phone” blog site.

But the hope is that when they see my text: “I love you. Rock life and make yourself proud. We already are.” – they remember…

The tall goofy bastard who tickled them early in the morning until they peed themselves.

The stories I made-up late at night based on any three things they wanted.

The fact their mother and I were there…for everything…proudly.

And I’ll miss them.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ll be glad they’ve moved on and badly wishing they took the damn dog with them.

But I’ll miss them.

Everything leading up to that warm sunny morning…is the shaping of lives and the creation of memories.