You Like Me, You Really Like Me

So apparently some insanely awesome editor at Babble.com took it upon herself/himself/itself to add my blog as the #7 position in their Funniest Dad Blog category of the annual list of top 10 Dad Bloggers.

And I’m pretty damn proud of that. I mean, it’s kinda like a pat on the top of the head from parenting world to say “who’s a good boy?!!” as I sit on the kitchen floor slamming my tale to the ground in happiness while hoping someone accidentally drops a beer.

When I found out I immediately texted the wife: “Hey – I just made the annual babble.com top 10 Funniest Dad Blog at #7 position!”

Five hours later she texted back, “how much is the check you get for that?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Her: “Oh”

Then I texted my brother (@ibeenorm) the same thing.

His response? - “neat”

I didn’t care though. I felt good about myself. So….I decided to pull out a pen, some paper and write my thank you list for all those who made this award-winning #7 a crowning achievement in my blog life.

So, here it goes.

I’d like to thank all the other sperm that allowed me to reach the egg first. You guys and girls put a lot of trust in me to not fuck this life up and I’m forever grateful. It sucks to be you right now.

I’d like to thank my children. You give me lots of great material, memories and amazing moments. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t drink so much, crouch naked in a corner crying at night and probably have tons more sex with your mother.

My brain. I’d like to thank my brain for being demented and twisted enough to pull together the words on this blog. I know the wife wants me to filter what you produce way more than I do, but we both know life would be so much lamer if I did.

I’d like to thank my dad for showing me how not to parent.

I’d like to thank my house for only having one damn bathroom in it. Because mornings should be spent with your wife in the shower, son brushing his teeth while holding his nose closed and daughter at the doorway holding her crotch and jumping up and down screaming “hurry up daddy I have to pee!!!” while you have your a.m. poop.

The wife….the apple of my eye.

What the hell does that even mean? I know it’s super old. It’s been in the bible and Shakespeare used it, but how the hell can an apple and someone’s eye merge to join a literary phrase pertaining to someone you want to bone the hell out of?

I’d like to thank the wife for letting me obnoxiously flail around in her life as the third child in the family and for not chopping off my pecker in the middle of the night so that I’ll stop chasing her around the house with it while screaming “just look at it!!!”

Finally, I’d like to thank the Interweb Machine Thingy. Because of you I can spew my insanity onto endless pages. Thank you for becoming my therapist and for allowing me to dump on you with no regard of self preservation or respect of others.

Now let's go celebrate!

A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

On Sunday I’ll be a whopping 36 years old.

So, before I entered into this long weekend of celebration I thought I’d sit down and spend a few moments reflecting on the years that have flown by.

Upon reflecting I decided to write myself a quick little note recapping some of the highlights I thought my dumbass would want to know if I should ever be lucky enough to do this whole life thing all over again.

A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

1) Music can get you through the most fucked-up of times.

2) Sometimes just sitting in an airport with your best friends laughing like hell as you people-watch and wait for someone to step on a chewed piece of gum in the middle of the floor is all you need at that very moment in life.

3) If you’re a dude…never…and I mean never masturbate without lube.

4) When you’re in middle school, do not tape a mirror to your shoe so you can look up girls’ skirts. It doesn’t work and makes teachers a little angry.

5) Bacon

6) That time you fall in the snow, can’t move, and get molested from behind by a very large dog in front of all your friends who were laughing too hard to do anything to help. Yeah….you’d do the same.

7) You’ll spend a good part of your life wishing you could do your honeymoon over again with the wife. And then again.

8) Brace yourself for that first flight you make from NY to NC. Your cousin will introduce you to Led Zeppelin popping your ear’s virginity. Welcome to the land of music my friend.

9) Parading in front of your wife at 11 p.m. wearing nothing but her panties is not a smart thing to do unless she’s drunk.

10) You’ll sext your wife once. Only once. Give it time, you’ll see why and it won’t be pretty.

11) Do not spend even one second of time trying to make your wife laugh when she’s in the last stages before pushing a human out of her vagina.

12) After running a marathon, avoid walking down flights of stairs for at least four days.

13) As a horny teenager, it’s best to close your room door when you “plunk your twanger” because I guarantee your mom will bust your sorry ass.

14) DO NOT go see Paula Abdul in concert because you think that will get you to second base with your girlfriend. You won’t even get a kiss and a piece of your music soul will die that night!

15) Standing naked and holding your “package” in front of your wife as you say, “This is the Honey Badger. It's pretty bad-ass, look at it go….” Will NOT turn her on.

16) Don’t ever hand your 2-year-old a ginger root to chew on when you’re not 100% sure what a ginger root even tastes like cause you’re still a rookie at cooking.

17) Standing up in the middle of a math test in 9^th grade and shoving an ink pen in the fan for no apparent reason is not smart. Not smart at all.

18) That first tattoo you get…yeah, you probably should have thought twice.

19) When your first child finally comes into the world he won’t breath for almost a minute, but hang tight….all will be good.

20) When your brother talks you into hiding your report cards from your parents for half a summer so he won’t get in trouble and can enjoy his time, don’t…..fucking…..do it.

21) Go see that Pearl Jam and Ben Harper concert again, only this time sneak your ass to the front row.

22) Yeah, ummm…remember that Indian pipe you hit with a few other friends that night in college. Yeah….it’s laced. Run away my man – run away!!!

23) DO NOT wear those jams to school that your mom keeps making you from scratch! They give you a “butt in front” look and will get you almost killed.

24) Don’t listen to what people say. 90210 sideburns are still badass in 2011.

25) That red thong you bought yourself, thinking you girlfriend (now wife) would be turned on by it? Yeah….not so much. Actually, you know what? Fucking buy it and wear the hell out of it!!

26) Keep sneaking out of the house in middle and high school. You never get caught my man.

27) At some point in your life you’re gonna get manipulated into a whole host of bad shit. And you’ll have to continue to deal with lies and manipulation from that person. Rise above and enjoy life brother.

28) In 2010 your wife and children will get wide-eyed and beg you to buy a Cavalier King Charles. Throw a temper-tantrum and never give in!!!

29) No matter how hungry you are….never…and I mean NEVER buy sushi from Target and eat it.

30) The relationship you build with your children will be the most humbling experience of your life. Let it motivate you.

31) Your wife is the single strongest, greatest, most supportive and loving woman you’ll ever have the joy of sharing a life with. Embrace it and never let a second slip by.

32) Your wife does not think it’s cool that you can make your limp pecker look like a helicopter blade simply by flinging it around in circles really fast.

33) Do not walk into Pet Smart and joke to the lady who’s about to shampoo your dog by saying, “and if you find the dog’s hair just a bit too difficult to wash, we give you permission to just put him down.” They don’t find that humor funny there genius.

34) Don’t spend your life staring at people in stores. It will only motivate them to talk to you about the most drivel shit in their lives.

35) In middle school you’re gonna start using Skoal and not stop for 10 years. Don’t freakin’ do it my man. Your mouth will thank you.

36) You are one lucky lucky bastard to have lived the life you’ve been given. Send yourself another note in 36 more years with even better shit to brag and warn me about.

A Glimpse Into The "Woman Bible"

Last week I put my manhood on the chopping block and provided a small glimpse into the “Man Bible.”

I received a humbling and positive response from many of the married ladies out there for revealing the drive behind their loving husband’s caveman-like antics.

The only problem is the dudes out there were a bit outraged. I apparently broke a huge man-code by revealing this bound gaggle of typed words by which we live and breathe as men.

I was promptly informed by a “Man-Committee” that I had exactly five days to right my wrong.

So, I started racking my brain. I thought long and hard….

And that’s when it hit me!

If’ there’s a Man Bible…there’s GOT to be a Woman Bible.

I leapt from the toilet my thinking chair and immediately ran into the bedroom and began ransacking the wife’s dresser.

Bras, panties, pajamas, and barrettes all went flying in the air as I frantically searched. I found nothing.

I plowed through her jewelry, make-up, and lingerie. Nothing.

Then it hit me. She’d put it where I would never go in a million years.

In the box of Tampons!!

One minute later I had in my hand a small, pink book, smelling of perfume, tampons, and estrogen.

After giving two quick chest bumps to thank baby Jesus above, I threw myself to the floor to start tearing through it page by page.

So…in an effort to make things right in the world again. I give you snippets from the “Woman Bible:”

Page 33, Part C – When walking by your husband act as though he does not exist. DO NOT make eye contact or let him catch your eyes landing on ANY part of his body. Men can feel your sight and will immediately interpret any look as though you want to have sex right then and there.

If by accident you get caught looking at your husband immediately implement Page 743, Part A – Spontaneously having your period out of convenience.

Page 528, Part DD, Section 1,290,473 – At the end of the day you’re going to want to remove your bra to let “the girls” relax. Learn to do this without removing your shirt if your husband is near.

Regardless he will think the act of removing your bra means you want to have sex. However, keeping your shirt on through the process reduces his immediate erection and spastic lunge to mount you by 11.8%.

Page 1, Part A – You will spend the remaining time as a wife deflecting your husband’s hands from groping your breasts and buttocks. When your wife term is over you will be as skilled as a ninja warrior.

Page 69, Part T, Section 2 – It is extremely important that you consistently move things around the house so that YOU are the only one that knows where they are. While your husband will display extreme frustration with never knowing where anything is, it will reveal a calm, yet strong demand you have over the house.

Page 33 – Every naturally born woman has within her the ability to shrink a man’s testicles into pin-sized pellets with just one vicious look. This look CANNOT be taught. Know that it exists within you. Explore your inner self and you will one day find “the look.” You will know when you have found it…and so will your husband.

Page 189, Part F, Section 8 – Your boobs are magic. No matter how small or large they are, you will find they entice your husband to do many unwelcoming things. Bending over at the right time to pick something up revealing just enough boob will immediately drain blood from the husband’s brain leaving him senseless and unable to say “no.”

But be careful not to give it all away. Never let him see the entire boob…but just enough.

OK. That’s all I’m able to share.

However, for $199.99 an hour, endless amounts of Newcastle, and a letter from my wife promising to show me her whole boobs completely uncovered and I’ll gladly share with you the rest of the Woman Bible.

Just shoot me an email and we’ll make it happen!

A Glimpse Into The "Man Bible"

Many of you wives out there may not know this but there is an actual “A Man’s Guide On How To Act Around Your Wife Behind Closed Doors.”

It’s a ratty, beaten-up old book that’s holding on by a thread. The pages have been taped into place and over 184 varieties of beer can be found stained throughout.

It is THE Bible we all live by and must obey or our balls will drop off for good.

I mean literally fall off.

The reason I’m talking about this is because the ladies need to know. They need to know we have no choice in this matter.

The way we interact with you behind closed doors is not a decision left to on to us.

Let me just toss out there a few examples from the Man Bible.

Page 28, Part C – When walking by your wife stare at only her breasts while saying “Damn…just…just damn those are fine.” If no one is near, feel free to lift your hand cautiously but with urgency to make sure they feel the exact same as they did the last time you walked by her.

Page 36, Part A, Section 2 – Entering the bedroom after a shower whilst only wearing a towel only to find your wife reading a book is one of the most coveted times of a man’s life. One must quickly thank the gods with a double bump to the chest and then spring into action with one of the following moves:

• The Helicopter – grab the base of your manly bit and begin swinging it around like a helicopter propeller while looking excitedly pleased at the wife.

• The Pose – shanty on over as close as you can to the wife, lift a leg up on whatever is near, lean down on your knee with your elbow while dropping your towel in one smooth motion. Follow this up with a sly “hey, I uh…gotta a little something for ya there sugar plum.”

• The Urgent Parent – immediately act as though you both had previously agreed upon a “quicky” and urgently shut the door, drop the towel, grab the lube and head straight for the bed while saying “OK hun, the kids are watching TV so we’ve got about 7.5 minutes to knock this out. Let’s do this!!”

• The Pool Boy – walk over to the closet, throw on some boots, drop your towel, grab hold of your dangly bit and walk towards the wife whilst uttering, “I uh…found a sturdy hose. You ready for me to give your pool a good scrub-down?”

• The Ride Em Cowboy – this is purely an old school technique used to visually attract the wife to you. Simply drop the towel, put a huge smile on your face, act like you’re mounting a horse, then with one hand slapping the fictitious horse’s ass and the other holding the fictitious horse’s reigns flail around viciously so that all your sexy attributes are bouncing and slapping to and fro as you scream “yee haw mother fuckers!!” as though you were leading a pack of bad-ass horse-ridin’ cowboys.

Each one of these moves is guaranteed to win her physical affection.

Page 1, Section 1 – Always rip the shower curtain back when the wife is bathing and repeat “You want me to get your backside?”

Page 49, Section 4,528 – Late at night while the wife is watching Hoarders, slip into a pair of her underwear whether you fit in them or not. Then, after sliding on a pair of your fanciest black socks, slowly tip-toe down the stairs. Get a running start and then slide across the floor into your wife’s view and just wait for her amazed and aroused response.

So, that’s all I’ve been sanctioned to share with you ladies. But I hope it’s enough for you to understand that we, by law, MUST do these things or pay the devil his due.

So bear with us. Continue to love us.

And know that we have nothing but your best interest in mind!

To My Wife On Our Anniversary

On this day, 13 years ago, I married my best friend.

We started out as high school sweethearts.

Then we went to separate colleges only to see each other about once a month or so.

Despite the fact I did everything in my power to look like a complete and total douchebag...

Example A "The Chops"

...we remained together, eventually moving in with each other after graduating college.

On April 18, 1998 I married the woman of my dreams.

Since then I’ve enjoyed the hell out of making two beautiful children which my gorgeous wife unfortunately had to spit out of her amazing body on two painful occasions.

Dear Kim:

I still get all tingly and stuff thinking of the first time I saw you as you cruised across the classroom in your tight white jeans.

I still get all tingly when I wake up before you, open my eyes, and see you in the early morning sunlight.

You’re so beautiful.

I’d kill to have even half the confidence you have.

I’d kill to do this all over again once it’s all said and done….with just a few tweaks and changes….

I can’t pass your pillow without burying my face in it.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve smelled your bathrobe.

Your laugh is infectious.

Your smile is gorgeous.

And your style as a mother is absolutely award-winning.

You rock the hell out of non-kid time

And when it’s complicated you’re sympathetically smart.

So, in short….I love you.

I love your smile.

I love your eyes.

I love your voice.

Holy hell do I love your smell.

I love watching you as a mother.

I love that I’ve been able to watch you grow into an amazing woman.

I love you Kim.

I couldn’t imagine my life without you as my best friend.

Love,

Justin