Things I Miss When the Mother-In-Law Visits

For the past week my wife’s mother’s been hanging out at the abode helping referee the kids during their never-ending spring break.

She hopped off the plane direct from North Carolina last week and has since managed to keep our kitchen clean, our clothes folded, and our kids corralled.

Am I about to complain even for a second? Hell no.

But despite the love she’s shown, you can’t help but look forward to getting life back to the way it was, right? I mean, let’s contemplate the top few things I miss when my saint of a mother-in-law is in the hizouse:

• Enjoying a rare 15 min. of semi-interrupted time on the only toilet in the house without having to deal with my insecurities and psychotic thoughts surrounding someone else knowing that I pooped.It’s true, I have serious issues surrounding pooping in public and other’s knowing that I’ve just pooped. But that’s another story for another time.

• Knowing my (men’s underwear + panties = ) manties have not been touched by anyone but myself or the wife.

I’m not gonna lie. I love coming home after work and seeing piles of neatly folded laundry relaxing on top of my made bed.

But what gets me a bit freaked is when I see my manties folded neatly in a perfect square to be kindly put away for safe keeping. I mean, she’s touching where all my dangly bits touch!!

• Yelling at my dog without her saying, “awe, he’s just a puppy.”

My common response is, “you pet him he’s yours Ms. Mother-In-Law person!!”

• OK damn it…I masturbate. There, I said it. Can I do it when the mother-in-law is in the house? Yes! But it’s gotta be strategic, stealthy, and no mistakes can happen. And sometimes that’s just damn exhausting. But I do it anyway… I mean no I don’t!!

• There’s nothing better than walking downstairs completely nude at 5 a.m., fixing a cup of coffee, and just chilling for 30 minutes in the buff before pounding out some miles on the road with a run.

Can I do that with the slightly older Mrs. Wife in the abode? No….it’s just too damn risky. For her sake that is….

• I’m a habitual toucher of the wife. I’m the guy that can’t help myself but to lovingly tap the wife’s buttocks when she walks by or on rare occasions, cop a feel in her upper regions. And, like most women, it usually results in a “can’t I just walk by you without you groping me?” comment.

To which I usually respond, “I’m just celebrating your gorgeous body sweety!”

It’s just not the same when her mother’s watching. You’d think it would be better…but it’s just not.

I could go on…but I’ll save you.

And since my mother-in-law is known to randomly surf my blog, I’ll just end it with:

I love you Nanna!!



Top 10 Things I'd Say If I Had The Opportunity To Get X-Rayed & Groped By TSA

So, there’s a significant hub-ub going on around the Interweb Machine Thingy about the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) taking full body scans of people as part of the ever-changing airport screening process.

And supposedly if you refuse to go into said scanning machine, a TSA “pat-down” ensues.

What does that entail?

A TSA agent coming literally within millimeters of your “feel good” spots.

I KNOW!!!! Free feel-me-ups! That’s what I immediately thought of too!

So, I jumped in my car, threw the kid seats on the front lawn, sped towards O’Hare and lived in the moment that I was about to get a free government-aided groping.

Thirty-minutes later I was back in the car dejected, depressed, and disturbed by the fact that you have to pay the fee of an airline ticket to get nude pictures of yourself and a slight brushing against your man-area.

Seems like everything these days is over-priced.

So instead, I went home and day-dreamed about how wonderful it would be to experience the joyous TSA screening and all the wonderful things we would say to each other.

So, I give you:

The Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Had The Opportunity To Get X-Rayed & Groped By TSA

1) “Should I look into the camera while you do it and give you my pinky in the mouth bashful look?”

2) “If someone were to have a sock stuffed in their pants would it show up on this thing? Hypothetically of course!”

3) TSA Agent: “Sir...SIR!! Please, place your pants back on your person!!”

Me: “Easy tiger, I was just trying to reveal that I harbor no terrorist weapons…other than this one!!! AAahhhh got you sucka!”

4) “Dude!! I’m sporting a pair of my wife’s panties. Can you be a pal and not grope me in a way that reveals them? She’s watching me like a hawk!!”

5) “Holy shit I look good under these clothes. Seriously, can you text me that x-ray so I can toss it up on Facebook?! Thanks chief.”

6) “Hey bub…try taking a chapter out of your mom’s ethics diary and warm your damn hands up first you masochist!”

7) “Just a heads up, there may possibly be a ‘dangerous package’ in my pants you’ll want to explore. I’m just sayin.”

8) “Heeeyyy…I know those hands. Fred? Is that you?”

9) “What the hell are you laughing at? It’s freakin’ cold in here OK! Jackasses.”

10) “I trimmed things up down there this morning for you and you didn’t even mention it. Not even a thank you. Selfish bastards.”

Oh the good times I’ll have with those frisky TSA cats.

Leave a comment and tell me what you'd say!!