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A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

On Sunday I’ll be a whopping 36 years old.

So, before I entered into this long weekend of celebration I thought I’d sit down and spend a few moments reflecting on the years that have flown by.

Upon reflecting I decided to write myself a quick little note recapping some of the highlights I thought my dumbass would want to know if I should ever be lucky enough to do this whole life thing all over again.

A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

1) Music can get you through the most fucked-up of times.

2) Sometimes just sitting in an airport with your best friends laughing like hell as you people-watch and wait for someone to step on a chewed piece of gum in the middle of the floor is all you need at that very moment in life.

3) If you’re a dude…never…and I mean never masturbate without lube.

4) When you’re in middle school, do not tape a mirror to your shoe so you can look up girls’ skirts. It doesn’t work and makes teachers a little angry.

5) Bacon

6) That time you fall in the snow, can’t move, and get molested from behind by a very large dog in front of all your friends who were laughing too hard to do anything to help. Yeah….you’d do the same.

7) You’ll spend a good part of your life wishing you could do your honeymoon over again with the wife. And then again.

8) Brace yourself for that first flight you make from NY to NC. Your cousin will introduce you to Led Zeppelin popping your ear’s virginity. Welcome to the land of music my friend.

9) Parading in front of your wife at 11 p.m. wearing nothing but her panties is not a smart thing to do unless she’s drunk.

10) You’ll sext your wife once. Only once. Give it time, you’ll see why and it won’t be pretty.

11) Do not spend even one second of time trying to make your wife laugh when she’s in the last stages before pushing a human out of her vagina.

12) After running a marathon, avoid walking down flights of stairs for at least four days.

13) As a horny teenager, it’s best to close your room door when you “plunk your twanger” because I guarantee your mom will bust your sorry ass.

14) DO NOT go see Paula Abdul in concert because you think that will get you to second base with your girlfriend. You won’t even get a kiss and a piece of your music soul will die that night!

15) Standing naked and holding your “package” in front of your wife as you say, “This is the Honey Badger. It's pretty bad-ass, look at it go….” Will NOT turn her on.

16) Don’t ever hand your 2-year-old a ginger root to chew on when you’re not 100% sure what a ginger root even tastes like cause you’re still a rookie at cooking.

17) Standing up in the middle of a math test in 9th grade and shoving an ink pen in the fan for no apparent reason is not smart. Not smart at all.

18) That first tattoo you get…yeah, you probably should have thought twice.

19) When your first child finally comes into the world he won’t breath for almost a minute, but hang tight….all will be good.

20) When your brother talks you into hiding your report cards from your parents for half a summer so he won’t get in trouble and can enjoy his time, don’t…..fucking… it.

21) Go see that Pearl Jam and Ben Harper concert again, only this time sneak your ass to the front row.

22) Yeah, ummm…remember that Indian pipe you hit with a few other friends that night in college. Yeah….it’s laced. Run away my man – run away!!!

23) DO NOT wear those jams to school that your mom keeps making you from scratch! They give you a “butt in front” look and will get you almost killed.

24) Don’t listen to what people say. 90210 sideburns are still badass in 2011.

25) That red thong you bought yourself, thinking you girlfriend (now wife) would be turned on by it? Yeah….not so much. Actually, you know what? Fucking buy it and wear the hell out of it!!

26) Keep sneaking out of the house in middle and high school. You never get caught my man.

27) At some point in your life you’re gonna get manipulated into a whole host of bad shit. And you’ll have to continue to deal with lies and manipulation from that person. Rise above and enjoy life brother.

28) In 2010 your wife and children will get wide-eyed and beg you to buy a Cavalier King Charles. Throw a temper-tantrum and never give in!!!

29) No matter how hungry you are….never…and I mean NEVER buy sushi from Target and eat it.

30) The relationship you build with your children will be the most humbling experience of your life. Let it motivate you.

31) Your wife is the single strongest, greatest, most supportive and loving woman you’ll ever have the joy of sharing a life with. Embrace it and never let a second slip by.

32) Your wife does not think it’s cool that you can make your limp pecker look like a helicopter blade simply by flinging it around in circles really fast.

33) Do not walk into Pet Smart and joke to the lady who’s about to shampoo your dog by saying, “and if you find the dog’s hair just a bit too difficult to wash, we give you permission to just put him down.” They don’t find that humor funny there genius.

34) Don’t spend your life staring at people in stores. It will only motivate them to talk to you about the most drivel shit in their lives.

35) In middle school you’re gonna start using Skoal and not stop for 10 years. Don’t freakin’ do it my man. Your mouth will thank you.

36) You are one lucky lucky bastard to have lived the life you’ve been given. Send yourself another note in 36 more years with even better shit to brag and warn me about.


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Reader Comments (13)

Ummm those were good but you forgot a host of others soooo in honor of your birthday I'll add a few more (because it's AWESOME to post a mini post in someone's comments section)

1. Outside of North Carolina they have this person called a dentist. Call.
2. Do NOT sleep with your kin even though it's acceptable where you're from.
3. Learn how to spell.
4. Try penis enlargement. It's worth a shot.
6. Dogs don't like to be humped back.
7. Crop dusting is illegal in some states.
8. Crazy people are protective of Roger Ebert. Slowly back away.
9. Always listen to this one Jew you'll meet later in life. She is the coolest, smartest person on the planet.
10. NEVER, I repeat NEVER smell your hand.

Happy Birthday my dear friend.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

I love this list. Funny.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPete from

Yes yes this is all well and good but my question is - they sell sushi at Target?!

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

As a fellow soon to be 36-er some of these really made me laugh! Great list! Emma :)

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEmma

#32 ... I've witnessed. Oy Vey.
Frohe Geburtstag!

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@milliferocks

My sister the Vet says Cavalier King Charles are the best! dogs! ever!.

And the honeymoon over again...word.

Happy two day early birthday dude.

July 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermoosh in indy.

You make me laugh so hard. I want to share this with my DH, but what can I say? The guy's an imitator. He reads your stuff and he'll be wearin sideburns, yapping in Pet Smart and doing the helicopter.

And we only want one Daddy Crying, right?

Happy 36! : D

July 5, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPam @writewrds

Terrific list..absolutely hilarious.

#29 Made me laugh out loud..I can't believe they sell sushi at Target.

#33 I can't stand people without a sense of humor. Comedic gold should never have to go to waste.

Thanks for sharing.

July 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHarmony

Happy Birthday. You need to write those on tiny slips of paper and stuff them in hallow cookies. Why hasn't anyone thought of this before?

July 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSeattledad

I think in your 36 years you learned a valuable (sp?) overall lesson regarding sex: What men think women find sexy is not what women think is sexy.

At least you figured it out before 40.

And remember, no chick is ever turned by a picture text of a guy and his schlong. Not matter they may say, they are laughing at you, showing their friends, and their friends are laughing at you too.

I promise.

July 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFranceRants

Hilarious loved it! Got to share it with the hub whenever he finishes what programme he is engrossed in now! Hope you had a good birthday!

July 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMrsBellers

Great stuff!! Everything from hilarious to inspirational. Made me laugh!! Thanks.

July 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBrown Road Chronicles

Man I needed #1 and will for while to come. #12, good advice, as I'll find out first hand in a few months. #30 absolutely inspirational. Thanks.

July 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

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