Working From Home Makes Me Stabby

For years I used to be envious of those who work from home.

I used to imagine them waking at 8:59 a.m., hair in Einstein mode as they walked down stairs to log onto the computer.

No lines to the coffee maker or having to fake interest as that annoying co-worker shows you 231 freshly printed pictures of their 4-year-old kid’s birthday party the day before.

The joy of being able to stroll upstairs and relax for the morning bathroom break without worrying about Bob sitting down in the stall next to you and blowing a hole in the back of the toilet.

Well let me be the first to tell you it’s not so grand.

You don’t believe me do you? Fine!

Here’s a few highlights of how my day went yesterday.

Let me first set the stage. We have a dog (it’s my wife’s, I don’t claim it), a cat, a daughter who attends half-day kindergarten, a neighbor’s kid that hangs out during the day (which is cool…he’s a good dude), and my wife also works from home four days out of the week, part-time.

6:45 – 7:55 a.m. – Alarm goes off. I wake the boy, make his lunch, feed him, tell him 157 times to take a bite of cereal, and then drop him off at school.

8:14 a.m. – Go to the grocery because we have no bread, milk, or cat food.

8:40 a.m. – Log into work.

8:42 a.m. – Let the dog outside because he rang his bell by the door which means he wants out.

8:44 a.m. – Let the dog back inside because he’s barking…..at nothing.

9:32 a.m. – Step outside to take a call from the boss because my daughter’s screaming because she doesn’t want to wear the shirt her mother’s telling her to wear.

10:02 a.m. – Tear-ass down the street after my wife’s dog which my daughter let out of the front door.

10:24 a.m. – Go to the bathroom.

10:26 a.m. – Stand up from the bathroom before finishing because the neighbor’s kid is jumping up and down outside the door screaming “I’m gonna have an accident Justin!!! Hurry!!!”

10:36 a.m. – The dog rings his bell to be let outside.

10:37 a.m. – Let the dog back in because he’s barking at the wind.

11:00 a.m. – Step in cat puke filled with pieces of our indoor plants he’s eating.

11:11 a.m. – Lose Internet connection because the wife decided to rearrange her desk and unplug the Wi-Fi without warning me.

11:34 a.m. – Apologize to the other professionals on the conference call I’m on because my daughter just walked in the door and screamed “Macy’s in the house!!!!!”

11:45 a.m. – Take daughter to school.

12:05 p.m. – Shun the dog for chewing a hole through my wife’s sandals while I was out taking the daughter to school.

12:30 p.m. – Ask the wife if she’s up for a little afternoon “action.”

12:31 p.m. – Go back to my desk excited because the wife said “not today” which means maybe tomorrow!!

12:46 p.m. – Run to the front window because the high-school drop-out drug dealing 16-year-old kid is fighting with his girlfriend on his front lawn again.

12:58 p.m. – Yell down to the wife that he dog just peed on kitchen rug….again.

1:09 p.m. – Strongly consider buying a bottle of Jack and killing it.

And it goes on…..There’s four more hours of this.

I’m seriously considering making the local coffee shop my new office. Although I’m so damn ADD I’d spend the entire day people-watching and being distracted by bright shiny things.

So maybe I’ll visit the dog-pound instead.



Oblivious In Training

You know those people who walk down the center of a grocery isle with their cart at a snale’s pace completely oblivious to the fact not a single human being can pass them?

Or that person who strolls down the middle of a parking lot causing you to slowly creep behind them while fighting the urge to floor it and enjoy the sound of them tumbling over the hood, roof, and back of your car?

Or the jackass who walks through a door a mere 4 feet in front of you and lets it swing closed without holding it for you?

Well those oblivious, brain-dead, life-suckers are what my son is turning in to.

He’s essentially a human gnat bouncing around in a wide open space utilizing his uncanny ability to land in only the most annoying spots possible.

Example 1

We were going for a bike ride the other day. The sun was out, birds were chirping, I had an amazing view of the wife’s derriere bouncing ever so slightly on her bike seat, and my son was leading the pack with his head turned around to us asking things like:

“You know that Pokemon card where the little blue guy looks all innocent and stuff? He turns into a dragon!”

“Hey dad, what happens if you fart when you’re butt’s on the seat? Will it hurt you?”

Boy: “Hey daddy, guess what?” Me: “What?” Boy: “Hahaha…you said the Nerd Word. You’re a nerd now!”

Meanwhile, bikers on the peaceful pathway are diving off to the grass, desperately grabbing their children, and giving me death looks as my son obliviously drives his death-machine down the middle of the path without looking ahead because he’s too busy trying to see my reaction as he reveals to his old man that he’s in fact a huge nerd.

Example 2

We have a dog that I didn’t want but wasn’t man-enough to say “hell no” to. Apparently dog’s poop. And apparently my son’s shoes are a magnet for said poop.

The other day I notice footprints of shit in my house. Immediately I panic, yell for the boy who’s broken the golden rule of no shoes in the house. Sure enough, there’s a massive pile of crap attached to his foot.

After explaining the golden rule….again, I then say, “please go outside and clean off your shoe.”

What does my 8-year-old boy do? He uses the back deck steps to wipe the shit off his shoe. To him, the steps were technically “outside.”

Oblivious.

So I know you’ve got good stories. Leave a comment of the most oblivious thing your little nipper does that makes you want to drop kick him/her?

Our Neighbors Think We're Heathens

My neighbors think we’re horrific parents.

I’m convinced of this is fact.

It’s spring, everyone’s outside, windows are open, wind’s blowing in the right direction…life couldn’t be better. We live in a very urban area – I can almost touch my house and my neighbor’s house at the same time.

So, I’m outside drinking wine and watching the kids live-out their childhood. Occasionally I’ll wave to a neighbor with that calm, collective, “what’s up man! Life’s good…just relaxing with the family” kinda wave.

Usually that’s the kid’s cue to go absolutely ballistic.

Immediately the boy yells “I said no Macy now STOOOOOP!!!!” Then rides away on his bicycle towards the corner of the street inches from going into traffic.

As I’m running down the sidewalk carrying wine, yelling “HONEY…GRAB MACY…SHE’S BLEEDING” I happen to notice half the neighborhood stopping mid-discussion and turning towards our rabid family.

“WHAT?!” my wife screeches from inside the house.

“GRAB MACY…GRAYSON MADE HER BLEED AND NOW HE’S RIDING HIS BIKE INTO TRAFFIC!!”

This is where I bring the scene to a screeching halt and reveal that we are actually the “older” family on the block. My kids are almost 6 and 8. The average age of the rest of the block’s children… 1.7 years old. So they’re standing there in horror as they watch elements of parenthood unfold that they have yet to experience.

As they gather their children and herd them away from the scene with disappointing looks on their faces I can almost hear them mumbling “we’ll never be like that will we George?”

“Never Marcia. We’ll never parent like those heathens!”

The neighborhood air is consistently filled with the loving ramblings of our family-of-four as sentiments such as these come flying out our house windows regularly:

 “I said GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!! How many times do I have to ask you?”

“I AAAMMMM finishing in the shower…geeeeze!!”

“OOOOWWWW daddy!!! Your pulling my hair, let me comb it!!!”

“Mooooommmyyyyyyy Macy won’t stop snoring!!”

“NO! You cannot have a chocolate bar while you go to sleep!! That’s just insane! Now go to bed!!”

“But honey!!! I thought tonight was really going to be ‘the’ night!?”

I think back to before we had kids and I remember the many times in the grocery seeing the mother say to the little boy, “stop touching things on the shelf. Do you hear me?! One more time Mr. and you’re in BIG trouble.”

And I always thought…I’d never, NEVER talk to MY kids like that. Guess it goes to show the number one rule as a parent is never say “I’ll never.”

Now if I can get my wife to stop talking to me like that in the grocery…