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« True Confessions You Never Wanted To Know About Me | Main | Doomsday? Tomorrow's Not Convenient For Me »

Working From Home Makes Me Stabby

For years I used to be envious of those who work from home.

I used to imagine them waking at 8:59 a.m., hair in Einstein mode as they walked down stairs to log onto the computer.

No lines to the coffee maker or having to fake interest as that annoying co-worker shows you 231 freshly printed pictures of their 4-year-old kid’s birthday party the day before.

The joy of being able to stroll upstairs and relax for the morning bathroom break without worrying about Bob sitting down in the stall next to you and blowing a hole in the back of the toilet.

Well let me be the first to tell you it’s not so grand.

You don’t believe me do you? Fine!

Here’s a few highlights of how my day went yesterday.

Let me first set the stage. We have a dog (it’s my wife’s, I don’t claim it), a cat, a daughter who attends half-day kindergarten, a neighbor’s kid that hangs out during the day (which is cool…he’s a good dude), and my wife also works from home four days out of the week, part-time.

6:45 – 7:55 a.m. – Alarm goes off. I wake the boy, make his lunch, feed him, tell him 157 times to take a bite of cereal, and then drop him off at school.

8:14 a.m. – Go to the grocery because we have no bread, milk, or cat food.

8:40 a.m. – Log into work.

8:42 a.m. – Let the dog outside because he rang his bell by the door which means he wants out.

8:44 a.m. – Let the dog back inside because he’s barking… nothing.

9:32 a.m. – Step outside to take a call from the boss because my daughter’s screaming because she doesn’t want to wear the shirt her mother’s telling her to wear.

10:02 a.m. – Tear-ass down the street after my wife’s dog which my daughter let out of the front door.

10:24 a.m. – Go to the bathroom.

10:26 a.m. – Stand up from the bathroom before finishing because the neighbor’s kid is jumping up and down outside the door screaming “I’m gonna have an accident Justin!!! Hurry!!!”

10:36 a.m. – The dog rings his bell to be let outside.

10:37 a.m. – Let the dog back in because he’s barking at the wind.

11:00 a.m. – Step in cat puke filled with pieces of our indoor plants he’s eating.

11:11 a.m. – Lose Internet connection because the wife decided to rearrange her desk and unplug the Wi-Fi without warning me.

11:34 a.m. – Apologize to the other professionals on the conference call I’m on because my daughter just walked in the door and screamed “Macy’s in the house!!!!!”

11:45 a.m. – Take daughter to school.

12:05 p.m. – Shun the dog for chewing a hole through my wife’s sandals while I was out taking the daughter to school.

12:30 p.m. – Ask the wife if she’s up for a little afternoon “action.”

12:31 p.m. – Go back to my desk excited because the wife said “not today” which means maybe tomorrow!!

12:46 p.m. – Run to the front window because the high-school drop-out drug dealing 16-year-old kid is fighting with his girlfriend on his front lawn again.

12:58 p.m. – Yell down to the wife that he dog just peed on kitchen rug….again.

1:09 p.m. – Strongly consider buying a bottle of Jack and killing it.

And it goes on…..There’s four more hours of this.

I’m seriously considering making the local coffee shop my new office. Although I’m so damn ADD I’d spend the entire day people-watching and being distracted by bright shiny things.

So maybe I’ll visit the dog-pound instead.


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Reader Comments (14)

This post reminds of of the Everybody Love Raymond when Debra wanted Ray to work from home. but unlike you. You went back to going to work full-time after a day. My wife and I sure did get a laugh out this post. Due to the fact that every working parent considers this though of working from home.

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGeeky Daddy

Yeah but if none of this happened you'd have nothing to write about. Kids are starving in Africa you selfish piece of shit.

Oh yeah and I laughed. A lot. Nice job stupid.

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

That sounds like a walk in the park to me!! I bet you get so much done in a day!! I do not know why you are complaining honestly....But thanks for the laugh though - so, did you finally ever get to finish going to the bathroom?

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKrystal

I have days like this too only I usually go ahead and have the Jack. It makes the stupid dog and the children much easier to handle.

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBridget

LOL! Yep, that sounds like my life as a work-at-home mom. Except if my husband worked at home too, we would kill each other, not get busy in the middle of the day, I can assure you!

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAbby

Hi, I stumbled upon your blog and loved it! I work from home too, and let me tell you, it's definitely not as glorious as it may seem. Majority of my family thinks working from home means I am actually just sitting around watching TV. Between chores, my kid, and doing my job, I could really use a bottle of wine/vodka/anything alcoholic at the end of the day.

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIrina

You are a funny fella. Tell your wife we said so, maybe tomorrow......

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

Kitchen carpet? Yuck.

This had me laughing, man . . . my workplace has a very, very liberal work from home practice. Basically, I can work from home at a moment's notice.

I never do. Ever. Because hoping to be productive with kids in the's simply never going to happen.

May 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

I don't have kids.. but when I get to WFH I feel I spend the whole day being an animal butler.. 7 cats, 1 dog.. someone always wants out or in...

I'd rather be in the office if I had your day though!!

May 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbubblewench

I worked for a well known insurance company for 7 years before I had kids. After I had my twins, I returned part was too much with 2 babies (I am mommy) I worked part time from home. As of last March I had 2 3 year olds and 2 dogs at home with me while I worked. Guess what, I quit. I am sure that is not an option since, I am just assuming since your wife works part time, that you are the main bread winner. It's been tough. I made almost as much money as my husband. We went down to a third of that and then nothing over 3 years. So, when my 10 year old Boston Terrier pees on the carpet in an hour and my 5 year old Boston Terrier asks to go outside for the 40th time today and my twins wake from a nap and give me full on instructions as to how to prep their snack and post nap activities, I'll be thankful I do not have to work. In turn, when this all happens again tomorrow, be thankful one of your kids goes to school and that your wife is home with you. My hsuband is gone. He teaches. And P.S. "Not today" actually means, "probably not this week" ;)

May 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChrista

I have an idea - cat and dog? Need to go. :)

And I like that you scheduled a little afternoon action (in your head at least).

Found you via Twitter, glad I did!

I can't get over the fact that your dog can ring a bell to be let outside. That's awesome. Barking is NOT awesome though.

May 26, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

The joys of working from home - sense my sarcasm? At least you gave us all a nice detailed schedule which we can avoid seeing in our own now. I like how you don't claim the pet dog as yours but your wife's. Funny. :)

Hilarious blog! So glad I stumbled across it. I'm a single mum of 2 and would never DREAM of working from home. Going into the office is a break!

June 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEve

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