A New Sexual Vocabulary

So my parenting alarms have been on high alert recently for some reason.

I think it’s because the oldest little bastard is nine now. He’s at that age where he starts learning things at school, which he brings home and kindly unleashes on to our seven-year-old daughter.

But for some reason all things related to sex have me feeling like I’m a sweaty crackhead in the middle of an intervention fumbling with my fingers, looking around paranoid as shit at everyone and everything near me.

Driving in the car the other day Kings of Leon, Sex on Fire came on and the boy’s singing the lyrics.

And I’m cringing, holding the steering wheel tight as can be as I hear a rare silence from the back seat. And all I can imagine is what’s going through his head….

Boy’s Head Thoughts:

“Oh look, something shiny. I should make a fart noise right now. Wonder if I have a booger? I really hate my sister. I wonder why my penis is bigger than my dad’s? I should ask for a play-date for the 438^th time today. Hey….this is kind of a cool song. Sex? What’s sex? Let me ask…”

Thankfully that question never came out.

And then there’s the bedroom situation in our humble abode. Three bedrooms literally on top of each other.

You can hear EVERYTHING.

So we deck each room with fans to cut down on hearing the boy snore. Hearing the girl fart all night (not kidding). And to eliminate any sounds of the wife and I having our monthly “relations.”

But at the end of the day, our door still doesn’t lock and we have no idea what’s happening in the hallway on the other side of it.

I guess I could pipe Kenny G. into the hallway to force them to wear earplugs. I could set trip hazards connected to pots and pans. Or we could just move our location to the basement next to the cat litter box.

So many choices…

Regardless I’m fearful because I feel the older the kids get the stealthier things will need to be.

I’ll never forget coming home as a teenager and hearing one of my parents have relations with a step parent. It was one of the most horrifying experiences. So I exited the house, re-entered and slammed the ever-living-shit out of the door just to make damn sure they knew I was home.

I cock-blocked the hell out of them and don’t regret it to this very day.

So maybe the best thing to do is to retrain ourselves and the responses we have to sex to sound like we’re having the most interesting conversation in the entire world.

So as my curious little bastards stand in the hallway they hear their mother emotionally saying:

“That’s sooooo curious!!”

“OH MY GOD!!!! I remember that time too!”

“Yes, yes, YES!! We can take the kids to Disney World if they stay in their rooms at night!!”

Or hear their daddy grunting:

“Oh, oh, oh those shoes match your outfit perfectly!”

“Yes, keep doing that to your hair cause it’s beautiful.”

“Oh my god I think I’m going to come to your holiday party this year!!”

But in reality we all know the real new retrained phrases will be:

Wife: “Are you done ironing your clothes yet?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I thought I’d last longer than that at scrabble.”

You Like Me, You Really Like Me

So apparently some insanely awesome editor at Babble.com took it upon herself/himself/itself to add my blog as the #7 position in their Funniest Dad Blog category of the annual list of top 10 Dad Bloggers.

And I’m pretty damn proud of that. I mean, it’s kinda like a pat on the top of the head from parenting world to say “who’s a good boy?!!” as I sit on the kitchen floor slamming my tale to the ground in happiness while hoping someone accidentally drops a beer.

When I found out I immediately texted the wife: “Hey – I just made the annual babble.com top 10 Funniest Dad Blog at #7 position!”

Five hours later she texted back, “how much is the check you get for that?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Her: “Oh”

Then I texted my brother (@ibeenorm) the same thing.

His response? - “neat”

I didn’t care though. I felt good about myself. So….I decided to pull out a pen, some paper and write my thank you list for all those who made this award-winning #7 a crowning achievement in my blog life.

So, here it goes.

I’d like to thank all the other sperm that allowed me to reach the egg first. You guys and girls put a lot of trust in me to not fuck this life up and I’m forever grateful. It sucks to be you right now.

I’d like to thank my children. You give me lots of great material, memories and amazing moments. If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t drink so much, crouch naked in a corner crying at night and probably have tons more sex with your mother.

My brain. I’d like to thank my brain for being demented and twisted enough to pull together the words on this blog. I know the wife wants me to filter what you produce way more than I do, but we both know life would be so much lamer if I did.

I’d like to thank my dad for showing me how not to parent.

I’d like to thank my house for only having one damn bathroom in it. Because mornings should be spent with your wife in the shower, son brushing his teeth while holding his nose closed and daughter at the doorway holding her crotch and jumping up and down screaming “hurry up daddy I have to pee!!!” while you have your a.m. poop.

The wife….the apple of my eye.

What the hell does that even mean? I know it’s super old. It’s been in the bible and Shakespeare used it, but how the hell can an apple and someone’s eye merge to join a literary phrase pertaining to someone you want to bone the hell out of?

I’d like to thank the wife for letting me obnoxiously flail around in her life as the third child in the family and for not chopping off my pecker in the middle of the night so that I’ll stop chasing her around the house with it while screaming “just look at it!!!”

Finally, I’d like to thank the Interweb Machine Thingy. Because of you I can spew my insanity onto endless pages. Thank you for becoming my therapist and for allowing me to dump on you with no regard of self preservation or respect of others.

Now let's go celebrate!

The Boy Drops The F-Bomb

So my son dropped his first F-bomb over the weekend.

Yes, it’s my fault. I do have a pretty filthy mouth and try so very hard to keep it clean around the kids. But, we live in a small house and sometimes I forget my place and well…a word may sometimes slip out.

I have to say though…he used it absolutely perfectly.

Here’s how it happened.

The boy’s on a travel soccer team. This past weekend he had a tournament about 45 min. away from our house. After his first game we spent a few hours wasting time before he had to play game number two. And, what’s more fun that wasting time at a Mexican restaurant with an oversized margarita?!

While enjoying my beverage I take out the trusty phone and check out the radar (I’m one of the biggest weather geeks on the planet). That’s when I see a whole big blob of shit headed our way.

Me: “Dude, looks like you’re game is gonna get cancelled. It’s about to storm pretty bad.”

The Boy: “No way daddy. It’s sunny and nice outside. We’ll play it.”

Me: “I’m looking at the radar and we’re gonna get nailed by Mother Nature. Trust me dude.”

The Boy: “Whatever daddy. We’re gonna play.”

Me: “Wanna make a bet?”

The Boy: (After thinking for a few seconds he gets a grin and says) “Yeah! Let’s bet!!”

Me: “If you play even a half-second of your game, I’ll give you a NuttyBuddy every day for 5 days.”

At this point the boy’s literally bouncing in his seat with joy because how could he lose?! The sun is out for shit-sake!

Me: “If the game gets cancelled though…everyday next week, as soon as I walk in the door from work, you have to take my shoes and socks off and rub my feet.”

At this point he immediately stops bouncing in his seat. The daughter starts dry-heaving and the wife says, “oh dear lord, don’t do that to him. He’s just a boy!!”

The boy starts looking out the window at the sky, then at me, then at the sky, then…he puts out his pinky and says, “it’s a bet. Pinky swear it!”

With the bet now underway I sat back to let the day take its course. Literally five minutes later it starts to get dark outside and the sky opens up.

Ten minutes later the wife checks her email on her phone and reports, “oh no Grayson. The game just got cancelled.”

And THAT’s when it happened. Slamming his elbows on the table and letting his head fall to his empty palms in shame he says, a little louder than a mumble, “fuck!”

Shocked at the word that just came out of his mouth, he immediately looks up at me as his face turns beat red. He then looks at his mother and immediately buries his face in his arms out of shame.

And thank baby jesus he did, because the wife and I ask quietly as we could started laughing like hell.

It's not like he used it in a harsh way by including it in a verbal bashing to someone. He used it absolutely perfectly because having to take your old man's shoes and socks off and rub his feet after a long day at work is definitely a "fuck" moment.

I'm Having Visions!

I got a glimpse of what life could possibly be like with kids who actually do things around the house.

I was making hamburgers for the family to shove down their throats when I thought, “I should totally ask the boy if he wants to learn how to grill.”

Seeing as every dude is born with the small molecule called “if it involves a flame and eatable flesh count me in,” I figured the boy would answer with a resounding “yes!”

“YES!!” he yelled! I was right.

As I stood there watching him flip the burgers, astonished that he’d managed to not combust into a screaming pile of flames, a small beam of hope crept through my body causing a smile to appear across my face.

Visions of me coming home from work to find the daughter folding her clean laundry as the boy puts the finishing touches on my filet mignon replaced outdated visions taking up space in my head. Visions of strippers saying “no silly, you don’t need to pay us, these dances are on the house,” left my brain to make room for my expanding perfect children scenario.

My smile got larger as I imagined sitting on my lawn chair drinking an ice cold beer as the boy mowed the lawn while the daughter watered the plants.

Next thing I knew my children were suddenly wearing delightfully clean and proper clothes. The boy in his blue trousers and sporty ironed shirt was asking, “Father? Would you like another beer?”

My overly helpful daughter clad in a stunning full-length sundress bursts from the door announcing, “no need, I have already fetched one for him. Here you are father!!”

And that’s when I notice my perfectly prim helpful children were speaking with English accents.

Blood was flowing through my body like a young teenager sneaking a peek at his mother’s friend’s cleavage.

I had convinced myself in a matter of 1.5 minutes that by simply supervising my son’s first attempt at grilling hamburgers I was altering time and setting into motion the very events that would turn my children…PERFECT!

I was a freakin’ genius and I had to tell someone immediately!!

Grabbing my beer I flew open the back door, found my loving wife, and quickly explained the awesomeness that was the perfect children formula I just created.

Her response?

“So where is your perfect son right now Mr. Genius?”

“OH SHIT! The grill!!” I screamed running to the backyard hoping I didn’t see my vision of brilliance literally going up in flames.

I didn’t.

Instead I found the boy catching fire flies while our delicious dinner transformed into hard, black, round weapons of mass destruction.

“Grayson?! What happened to dinner dude?”

The boy stopped, thought for a second, then said, “But you like to cook daddy.”

It was at that moment that I finally realized that I’m a total idiot and that I will forever be stuck serving my precious little children.

But, at least I still had my stripper vision.



A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

On Sunday I’ll be a whopping 36 years old.

So, before I entered into this long weekend of celebration I thought I’d sit down and spend a few moments reflecting on the years that have flown by.

Upon reflecting I decided to write myself a quick little note recapping some of the highlights I thought my dumbass would want to know if I should ever be lucky enough to do this whole life thing all over again.

A Note To Myself About 36 Things Over The Past 36 Years

1) Music can get you through the most fucked-up of times.

2) Sometimes just sitting in an airport with your best friends laughing like hell as you people-watch and wait for someone to step on a chewed piece of gum in the middle of the floor is all you need at that very moment in life.

3) If you’re a dude…never…and I mean never masturbate without lube.

4) When you’re in middle school, do not tape a mirror to your shoe so you can look up girls’ skirts. It doesn’t work and makes teachers a little angry.

5) Bacon

6) That time you fall in the snow, can’t move, and get molested from behind by a very large dog in front of all your friends who were laughing too hard to do anything to help. Yeah….you’d do the same.

7) You’ll spend a good part of your life wishing you could do your honeymoon over again with the wife. And then again.

8) Brace yourself for that first flight you make from NY to NC. Your cousin will introduce you to Led Zeppelin popping your ear’s virginity. Welcome to the land of music my friend.

9) Parading in front of your wife at 11 p.m. wearing nothing but her panties is not a smart thing to do unless she’s drunk.

10) You’ll sext your wife once. Only once. Give it time, you’ll see why and it won’t be pretty.

11) Do not spend even one second of time trying to make your wife laugh when she’s in the last stages before pushing a human out of her vagina.

12) After running a marathon, avoid walking down flights of stairs for at least four days.

13) As a horny teenager, it’s best to close your room door when you “plunk your twanger” because I guarantee your mom will bust your sorry ass.

14) DO NOT go see Paula Abdul in concert because you think that will get you to second base with your girlfriend. You won’t even get a kiss and a piece of your music soul will die that night!

15) Standing naked and holding your “package” in front of your wife as you say, “This is the Honey Badger. It's pretty bad-ass, look at it go….” Will NOT turn her on.

16) Don’t ever hand your 2-year-old a ginger root to chew on when you’re not 100% sure what a ginger root even tastes like cause you’re still a rookie at cooking.

17) Standing up in the middle of a math test in 9^th grade and shoving an ink pen in the fan for no apparent reason is not smart. Not smart at all.

18) That first tattoo you get…yeah, you probably should have thought twice.

19) When your first child finally comes into the world he won’t breath for almost a minute, but hang tight….all will be good.

20) When your brother talks you into hiding your report cards from your parents for half a summer so he won’t get in trouble and can enjoy his time, don’t…..fucking…..do it.

21) Go see that Pearl Jam and Ben Harper concert again, only this time sneak your ass to the front row.

22) Yeah, ummm…remember that Indian pipe you hit with a few other friends that night in college. Yeah….it’s laced. Run away my man – run away!!!

23) DO NOT wear those jams to school that your mom keeps making you from scratch! They give you a “butt in front” look and will get you almost killed.

24) Don’t listen to what people say. 90210 sideburns are still badass in 2011.

25) That red thong you bought yourself, thinking you girlfriend (now wife) would be turned on by it? Yeah….not so much. Actually, you know what? Fucking buy it and wear the hell out of it!!

26) Keep sneaking out of the house in middle and high school. You never get caught my man.

27) At some point in your life you’re gonna get manipulated into a whole host of bad shit. And you’ll have to continue to deal with lies and manipulation from that person. Rise above and enjoy life brother.

28) In 2010 your wife and children will get wide-eyed and beg you to buy a Cavalier King Charles. Throw a temper-tantrum and never give in!!!

29) No matter how hungry you are….never…and I mean NEVER buy sushi from Target and eat it.

30) The relationship you build with your children will be the most humbling experience of your life. Let it motivate you.

31) Your wife is the single strongest, greatest, most supportive and loving woman you’ll ever have the joy of sharing a life with. Embrace it and never let a second slip by.

32) Your wife does not think it’s cool that you can make your limp pecker look like a helicopter blade simply by flinging it around in circles really fast.

33) Do not walk into Pet Smart and joke to the lady who’s about to shampoo your dog by saying, “and if you find the dog’s hair just a bit too difficult to wash, we give you permission to just put him down.” They don’t find that humor funny there genius.

34) Don’t spend your life staring at people in stores. It will only motivate them to talk to you about the most drivel shit in their lives.

35) In middle school you’re gonna start using Skoal and not stop for 10 years. Don’t freakin’ do it my man. Your mouth will thank you.

36) You are one lucky lucky bastard to have lived the life you’ve been given. Send yourself another note in 36 more years with even better shit to brag and warn me about.