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« Me vs. Pooping In Public | Main | I Get Drunk For A Friend »

Things I Miss When the Mother-In-Law Visits

For the past week my wife’s mother’s been hanging out at the abode helping referee the kids during their never-ending spring break.

She hopped off the plane direct from North Carolina last week and has since managed to keep our kitchen clean, our clothes folded, and our kids corralled.

Am I about to complain even for a second? Hell no.

But despite the love she’s shown, you can’t help but look forward to getting life back to the way it was, right? I mean, let’s contemplate the top few things I miss when my saint of a mother-in-law is in the hizouse:

  • Enjoying a rare 15 min. of semi-interrupted time on the only toilet in the house without having to deal with my insecurities and psychotic thoughts surrounding someone else knowing that I pooped.It’s true, I have serious issues surrounding pooping in public and other’s knowing that I’ve just pooped. But that’s another story for another time.
  • Knowing my (men’s underwear + panties = ) manties have not been touched by anyone but myself or the wife.

I’m not gonna lie. I love coming home after work and seeing piles of neatly folded laundry relaxing on top of my made bed.

But what gets me a bit freaked is when I see my manties folded neatly in a perfect square to be kindly put away for safe keeping. I mean, she’s touching where all my dangly bits touch!!

  • Yelling at my dog without her saying, “awe, he’s just a puppy.”

My common response is, “you pet him he’s yours Ms. Mother-In-Law person!!”

  • OK damn it…I masturbate. There, I said it. Can I do it when the mother-in-law is in the house? Yes! But it’s gotta be strategic, stealthy, and no mistakes can happen. And sometimes that’s just damn exhausting. But I do it anyway… I mean no I don’t!!
  • There’s nothing better than walking downstairs completely nude at 5 a.m., fixing a cup of coffee, and just chilling for 30 minutes in the buff before pounding out some miles on the road with a run.

Can I do that with the slightly older Mrs. Wife in the abode? No….it’s just too damn risky. For her sake that is….

  • I’m a habitual toucher of the wife. I’m the guy that can’t help myself but to lovingly tap the wife’s buttocks when she walks by or on rare occasions, cop a feel in her upper regions. And, like most women, it usually results in a “can’t I just walk by you without you groping me?” comment.

To which I usually respond, “I’m just celebrating your gorgeous body sweety!”

It’s just not the same when her mother’s watching. You’d think it would be better…but it’s just not.

I could go on…but I’ll save you.

And since my mother-in-law is known to randomly surf my blog, I’ll just end it with:

I love you Nanna!!


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Reader Comments (13)

Wow. This type of honesty is really refreshing... and funny. And it seems we are a lot alike my friend. Same insecurities and all.

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPete Fazio

Um. . .randomly surf your WHAT?

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChristine

You know, every now & then, I lament the fact that my in-laws live within an easy driving distance. I mean, they share a zip-code and can be over in a moment's notice. Heck, it's really not uncommon to get a phone call saying "I'm on my way."

At the same time, their proximity means that I never have to deal with these issues - mother-in-law isn't going to be there to interrupt me as I walk about the house in my birthday suit. There is zero chance that somebody will walk in as I enjoy some alone time. The toilet I poop in? I'm the only one who poops in it right now.

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Well that answers the "why haven't you posted recently" question and probably answers the "why haven't you posted recently" we would have asked next week after you....catch up on all that non stealthy and stragtegic....yeah, you know! Good luck?

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

I know I told you on twitter how similar you and my husband are ... but I had to come here and laugh again.

Several years ago when Matt was gone for a long training, I spent hours and hours putting together THE perfect gift. I bought a playboy and went through the magazine pasting on dozens of cut out photos of my face over the models' faces ... to make it look like me. All so that when my husband needed some "alone time" he could have it "with" me.

The only problem was that as much as he wanted to show his friends his cool gift ... he couldn't. Because then it was like seeing me naked.

And pooping in peace? With 3 kids and ONE bathroom to share right now, I haven't done it by MYSELF, w/o someone in with me in years! At least you get 15 minutes ...

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJill

I'm shocked! Shocked I tell you that you do those "things" and refuse to believe any of it!
PS. Pic or video? ;)

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

You are so refreshingly normal.

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe expatresse

So this is why daddy is crying?

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMJ

I really feel for your MIL. She folded YOUR underwear. You know the ones you put on after spending alone time both shitting & masturbating. She should get tested.

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

I look forward to the pooping stories! I am the same.. if driving and I get the urge, I have to find a hotel - can't go into any other public place and it has to be a nice hotel where I know they are well kept. At home, I always go go the furthest bathroom away from the gang when I go. Been married for a long time but STILL paranoid! Good luck with the stressful masturbating - is it more erotic with the stress?

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterI am Little Johnny

good lawd! All men are the same - from the poopin', to the floggin', to the gropin'.

Oh...yeah...the term "manties" is possibly worse than "panties." "moist manties"


April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana K

Dear Son-in-law:
If I knew you were such a creepster nudist I would have flown my darling daughter and her precious babies to visit me instead. You know,when you fondle my daughter in front of me, it makes me vomit just a bit in my mouth. Also, if you think I enjoy folding your man-scanties, you've got another think coming.
Trust me, everyone poops, so you really shouldn't be so shy about it. When I was watching you in the bathroom with the nanny cam... well, actually, we won't get into what that did to my psyche. Needless to say, my therapist is going to be buying a new car...

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMara (@chickymara)

Install a fan in the bathroom. It will at least relax you when others are around. The noise drowns out any unpleasantries. And I'm talking about pooping!

April 6, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

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