So, there’s a significant hub-ub going on around the Interweb Machine Thingy about the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) taking full body scans of people as part of the ever-changing airport screening process.
And supposedly if you refuse to go into said scanning machine, a TSA “pat-down” ensues.
What does that entail?
A TSA agent coming literally within millimeters of your “feel good” spots.
I KNOW!!!! Free feel-me-ups! That’s what I immediately thought of too!
So, I jumped in my car, threw the kid seats on the front lawn, sped towards O’Hare and lived in the moment that I was about to get a free government-aided groping.
Thirty-minutes later I was back in the car dejected, depressed, and disturbed by the fact that you have to pay the fee of an airline ticket to get nude pictures of yourself and a slight brushing against your man-area.
Seems like everything these days is over-priced.
So instead, I went home and day-dreamed about how wonderful it would be to experience the joyous TSA screening and all the wonderful things we would say to each other.
So, I give you:
The Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Had The Opportunity To Get X-Rayed & Groped By TSA
1) “Should I look into the camera while you do it and give you my pinky in the mouth bashful look?”
2) “If someone were to have a sock stuffed in their pants would it show up on this thing? Hypothetically of course!”
3) TSA Agent: “Sir...SIR!! Please, place your pants back on your person!!”
Me: “Easy tiger, I was just trying to reveal that I harbor no terrorist weapons…other than this one!!! AAahhhh got you sucka!”
4) “Dude!! I’m sporting a pair of my wife’s panties. Can you be a pal and not grope me in a way that reveals them? She’s watching me like a hawk!!”
5) “Holy shit I look good under these clothes. Seriously, can you text me that x-ray so I can toss it up on Facebook?! Thanks chief.”
6) “Hey bub…try taking a chapter out of your mom’s ethics diary and warm your damn hands up first you masochist!”
7) “Just a heads up, there may possibly be a ‘dangerous package’ in my pants you’ll want to explore. I’m just sayin.”
8) “Heeeyyy…I know those hands. Fred? Is that you?”
9) “What the hell are you laughing at? It’s freakin’ cold in here OK! Jackasses.”
10) “I trimmed things up down there this morning for you and you didn’t even mention it. Not even a thank you. Selfish bastards.”
Oh the good times I’ll have with those frisky TSA cats.
Leave a comment and tell me what you'd say!!