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My Wife is the Antichrist in the A.M.

Holy shit what a dangerous dangerous time of day the morning is in this house. You’d think it would be because of the kids…but it’s not….it’s the wifey—the angriest, most volatile human being on the planet in the morning. There are so many things that astound me about her mornings that I just don’t even know where to start.

She never sets an alarm clock. That in-and-of-itself would keep me from ever falling asleep for a second. I’d pick my massively oversized head up off my slumber cushion every two seconds to cast my eyes on those evil red digits on the clock checking…making sure my deadline hasn’t yet hit.

I go to sleep with two alarms set for shit-stake. That’s how mental I am about schedules.

Now, before unemployment grabbed me by the balls and dropped me to my knees, I used to get up at 4:30 a.m. to run every morning. Now…. I’ve got all day to run, so I sleep in!

By 6:18 a.m. it’s time to begin the lovely adventure of waking the wifey up.

We’ve been married for over a damn decade…you’d think I’d have thick-skin over this issue by now. You’d think I’d have some kick-ass routine down by now. No…I don’t….and it hurts. It hurts my heart….

Wifey in college sleeping...look how calm & delightful she looks, but evil lurks below.


I start by nudging her gently, “wifey (I actually use her real name) …it’s time to get up. Come on, it’s 6:18. Come on, wake up…”

“OK!! I hear you….Jesus I hear you, stop touching me and talking!!” are the words that come out of this delicate little flower as she flips over in bed.

“Did you just call me Jesus? Wow..that’s the kindest thing you’ve said in….”

“Ha-fucking-ha funny man…SHUT UP!!!”

I then get up, go in the boy’s room, lay in bed with him and slowly, lightly tickle him till he wakes up laughing his ass off. Then lay out his clothes, then head back into the lair.

Grabbing the wifey’s shoulder lightly and applying pressure, “hey – it’s 6:35. You need to get up honey.”

“I know!! You told me once, now, you’re telling me again. I liked it a hell of a lot better when you were running right now….I know how to WAKE UP!!”

Actually, this is where I need to leave myself a note every morning that reads:

Dear Idiot-Boy:

Well hey there sunshine!! Good morning to ya! Hey, I know you’re just crawling outta bed, eager to crawl into the basement and begin another day of hopeless job searching, but guess what slugger? Yeah!! You gotta wake up the wifey!!

Oh, she’s a finicky one…so taker easy. Poke her with a stick and run like hell man!! She’ll eventually wake up, and when she does…all she’ll want is more pillows and her blanky so she can sleep sitting up! Once that’s arranged, don’t say shit. Just keep on keeping on. Eventually….she’ll slide outta bed, turn around, and lean over so she’s still be supported by the bed, blanky, and pillow, but here’s where the bonus comes in…her buttocks clad with skin-colored panties will be poked in the air…BUT DON’T TOUCH!!! Just look. If you touch…she’ll cut you!

Now…here’s where you engage her in conversation to help her wake further. It seems like you’re not “telling” her to wake up, you’re “assuming” she’s “awake.”

You know how to take it from here. Good luck slugger….you’ll need it. And hey, make sure you put that cup on…..believe me…you’ll thank me!



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  • Response
    I'm bit emotional while I'm going through this article as I'd faced some similar experiences in my life.

Reader Comments (19)

Gee, she is just about as chipper as me in the morning....hubby is usually first to wake up. He then proceeds to go get the daughter, and put her in bed next to me...she then wakes me up because he knows I won't kill her for waking me up. She usually throws her arms around my neck to hug me and chokes the shit outta me, but I love her to pieces so it's all good.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

My college roommate was the same way ... well, I never checked out her panties, but you know what I mean. (feel free to ignore that fact) I had to wake her up by playing with her hair. Don't say a word, just lightly run your fingers through her hair. And for the love of God man PUT ON THAT CUP!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

Dude! You so deserve something special for dealing with THAT in the am. I got to the point that I stopped trying to wake up my husband because he is so volatile. I take care of the kids, and let him take care of himself.

I like the first comment about getting one of the kids to wake her - might be an idea :-)

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAlli Campbell

I'm cheerful in the morning, but if I fall asleep at night with my glasses on, don't try to take them off or I will punch you right in the face!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEverRose

Love the new page and LOGO! Rock it WhyIsDaddyCrying!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergrnladybug

What's really funny is how close to my mornings that is. You look at them sleeping and they are so cute, like a basket of kittens. Then once you start trying wake them they turn into angry bobcats.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterUnIdleDad

Daddy is crying cause mommy hit him. Holy angry beaver batman that was some funny ass shit. Dear god hide the sharp items. My gf is not a morning person either but at least she won't kill me.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

OMG, I'm laughing my ass off over here. That is ME in the morning. Only I set an alarm because I don't want anyone touching me or talking to me. I even set my alarm an hour earlier than when everyone else wakes up so I can have some quiet time before I have to deal with other people. Lord help the person who interrupts that quiet time. And my poor kids. I've actually told my 8yo "You have your breakfast and cartoons. Unless you're bleeding, puking, or something's broken, STOP TALKING TO ME!"

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

I'm sending this to my husband to explain to him that I am not the only one. Hilarious and true, great post!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShonda

I can relate. Things can get a little bit ugly around here in the AM.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJack

I unfortunately have to admit that I think my husband can relate.

Great post!

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKisha Floren

I'm a total morning person but you couldn't pay me to wake my husband up because he says mean things and is of the devil! :)

Great post as always

Shelle-Real World Venus vs. Mars

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterShelle-BlokThoughts

I so used to be that way but after 16 years of teaching and nearly 12 years of parenting, sleeping late is 8:00 and when I wake up, I wake up...maybe I hit the snooze once. But I now bounce outta bed. But I understand where your wife is coming from. My morning mantra was usually, "I'm up so shut the hell up!" Don't forget to wear your cup in the morning! :)

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisaB

Ha! Love it. Ya...mornings are not my friend. Well, I'd actually have no problem mornings if I could sleep through them. It isn't pretty in the morning here, either.

December 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (@GoodByeGracie)

This blog is hilarious!

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterIvan

One of your best : )

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

"I then get up, go in the boy’s room, lay in bed with him and slowly, lightly tickle him till he wakes up laughing his ass off. Then lay out his clothes, then head back into the lair"

Is it just me, or are you embedding some very interesting sexual fetishes deep into your son's psyche?

December 10, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterittybittycrazy

Well my friend.. another great post. I think my favorite was the response to the Jesus comment. It sounds like something I would spout off to my loving husband during my wrath of fury which usually happens when he wakes me up coming home at 1am from the cakewalk of a flippin job he has. Im hoping that you just remember the nice things she says later in the day to keep you going.. lol

Could she be mad about having to sleep on those 1980 sheets yah got on the bed in the college photo and maybe she is just gettin you back?

December 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJess (@mzfuller8)

Staying up way late fretting, trying to get stuff done or just decompress without anyone asking for something. Makes a person who needs alone time stay up way too late trying to get it all.

I do that too and it makes for a crabby morning person as a result.

My suggestion is to let her know that you love her but the morning routine is wearing on you. So she's got to wake herself up from here on out. Then just step back outta the way when the last minute tornado occurs. (Again speaking from personal experience as an anti-morning person/tornado creator.)

December 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

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