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« So I Got Tattooed....Again | Main | The Age of Not Listening »

Top 10 Things I'd Say If I Had The Opportunity To Get X-Rayed & Groped By TSA

So, there’s a significant hub-ub going on around the Interweb Machine Thingy about the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) taking full body scans of people as part of the ever-changing airport screening process.

And supposedly if you refuse to go into said scanning machine, a TSA “pat-down” ensues.

What does that entail?

A TSA agent coming literally within millimeters of your “feel good” spots.

I KNOW!!!! Free feel-me-ups! That’s what I immediately thought of too!

So, I jumped in my car, threw the kid seats on the front lawn, sped towards O’Hare and lived in the moment that I was about to get a free government-aided groping.

Thirty-minutes later I was back in the car dejected, depressed, and disturbed by the fact that you have to pay the fee of an airline ticket to get nude pictures of yourself and a slight brushing against your man-area.

Seems like everything these days is over-priced.

So instead, I went home and day-dreamed about how wonderful it would be to experience the joyous TSA screening and all the wonderful things we would say to each other.

So, I give you:

The Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Had The Opportunity To Get X-Rayed & Groped By TSA

1) “Should I look into the camera while you do it and give you my pinky in the mouth bashful look?”

2) “If someone were to have a sock stuffed in their pants would it show up on this thing? Hypothetically of course!”

3) TSA Agent: “Sir...SIR!! Please, place your pants back on your person!!”

Me: “Easy tiger, I was just trying to reveal that I harbor no terrorist weapons…other than this one!!! AAahhhh got you sucka!”

4) “Dude!! I’m sporting a pair of my wife’s panties. Can you be a pal and not grope me in a way that reveals them? She’s watching me like a hawk!!”

5) “Holy shit I look good under these clothes. Seriously, can you text me that x-ray so I can toss it up on Facebook?! Thanks chief.”

6) “Hey bub…try taking a chapter out of your mom’s ethics diary and warm your damn hands up first you masochist!”

7) “Just a heads up, there may possibly be a ‘dangerous package’ in my pants you’ll want to explore. I’m just sayin.”

8) “Heeeyyy…I know those hands. Fred? Is that you?”

9) “What the hell are you laughing at? It’s freakin’ cold in here OK! Jackasses.”

10) “I trimmed things up down there this morning for you and you didn’t even mention it. Not even a thank you. Selfish bastards.”

Oh the good times I’ll have with those frisky TSA cats.

Leave a comment and tell me what you'd say!!


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Reader Comments (28)

You simply must fly somewhere soon! Hilarious!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDirty Dishtowels


November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAllison Zapata

Last time I went to the airport, after my scan, they pulled me aside for a special groping. They told me it was because it was a random selection. I was sure they just wanted to feel my junk. However, I did not resist.

Afterwards I told my mom, who I was traveling with, that I felt it was rude that they get to feel people up and not even take them out to dinner first...

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkadield


November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris (@tessasdad)

Mine would be: "Jeez, at least tell me I look pretty or something first"

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris (@tessasdad)

Awesome post. I will have a post about the TSA on Friday.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJustin

Awesome post daddy. Sadly the TSA has a picture of you in the break room. Looks like you need to go back to shoplifting or just start smuggling drugs so the doggies can lick your crotch.

If I were groped I'd say, "Please be quiet, the lemurs are sleeping down there."

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

I'd say: "A little to the to the right...yeah, right there... ;)

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

It's times like these that I wish I knew someone at the TSA. I could use a good groping. I would totally "pretty up the grass" for them, too. Sigh.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMiley

hhhhmmmmm so being from England where we dont have those things on backpacking around the U.S , I did wonder why those men were so smiley about their job .

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercaptainteacake

LMAO!!! I want to be there when they frisk you! Then take pics and post them on FB. What a crack up that would be!

I'd probably say something like "A little more to the left...ah, you got it!!"

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

Is the chick in the scan picture you linked to sporting a tail? 'Cause it looks like she has a tail. And I'd be embarrassed if the people I was traveling with found out about my tail.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmoebaMike

I'm flying this weekend, shall I let you know how it goes? I wonder if they let you keep the picture?

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. Reed

Wow - funny as hell

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCLP

Don't forget to ask for the reacharound.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJack

You forgot to ask if they want you to return the favor

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEric Dauner

By far the funniest blog you have done in a while. Loved it.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTattooqt

Number 5 is killing me!

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShannon Green

Before we begin, I think I should tell you, I need a lot of foreplay.

November 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChopper Papa

This was damn funny. I'm linking this in my post tomorrow.

November 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandria

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