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The Wife & I Discuss Testicles

This past Saturday we took our puppy Marty to have his manhood removed. Despite the wife trying everything in her power to have the doctors neuter me as well, I managed to escape with my bits and pieces.

But, the whole situation did instigate a conversation between the wife and I about testicles.

Me: “That poor little bastard is gonna have a twig with no berries. You think he’ll need doggie therapy to deal with it?”

Wife: “You’re not taking this too well are you?”

Me: “It’s a guy thing. When another member of the male gender loses his man-bits we’re required to take a collective sigh and moment of silence.”

Wife: “You have serious issues.”

Me: “Those things are important. They’re magical and scientifically speaking, I wouldn’t be shocked if they have some sort of roll in the Earth’s orbit around the moon.”

Wife: “They have a scientific affect all right. They cloud your thinking with images of boobies and panties so you say really stupid things. Case-in-point…the Earth revolves around the sun sweetie.”

Me: “If you ever say ‘case-in-point’ to me again you’ll be orbiting the sun.”

Wife: “I don’t know, I just think those things possibly do more harm than good. I mean, look at child molesters and rapists.”

Me: “Yeah, they should definitely have their balls removed immediately after being found guilty. But come on, they do a lot of good. They produced your children!”

Wife: “They did help with that process. Although, now that that’s done with maybe we should consider removing them?”

Me: “Why, so that I turn into a Snuggie-wearing, Oxygen-watching, girlfriend of yours who doesn’t hump your leg, do naked dances for you after my showers, or complain about going shopping?”

Wife: “Oh my God that sounds blissful. I think I had a small orgasm at the thought of that.”

Me: “That hurts….that hurts deep. My balls are staying with me till the bitter end my dear!”

Wife: “Speaking of that, there’s another testicular fact. Old-man-balls are an absolute horror show. Your balls are never gonna hit your knees are they?”

Me: “When the hell have you seen old-man-balls? Do you have some sort of old person fetish? Is this why you watch Golden Girls all the time?”

Wife: “I just think you should consider wearing like a man testicle bra so when you’re 80 your nuts aren’t dragging the ground.”

Me: “So can I take a second to recap what you seem to believe about my balls? They make me think of nothing but boobies and panties, clouding my thoughts to the point that I even dismiss Galileo’s hard work. You would like to have them removed so I turn into your dream-girl BFF. But, if they do remain part of me it scares you to the point that you spend sleepless nights inventing man-testicle bras?”

Wife: “Honey. You know you were staring at my breasts the whole time you were ranting just then?”

Me: “What color panties are you wearing right now?”


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Reader Comments (18)

hahaha....thank you for my morning laugh...that was awesome.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

LOL! This post was a great way to brighten up my Monday :)

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermapsgirl

Your wife is a smart woman! You should listen to her.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

Naked dances after showering? Where have you been all my life?

If you ever decide to leave your wife, I'll be waiting!

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOfthesea

You have been talking about your junk quite a bit lately.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

lmao. Love it. Sounds a wee bit too much like the conversations I have with my husband.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commentervgerstner

I am fairly new here and it's taken me a minute to figure out I shouldn't always click through to the links in your posts. Much like Adam over at I don't click on many of his pictures either.

This was funny..after I bleached my eyes.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

Why do men have such problems with this?? I didnt when I had my girl dog spayed.
The starter husband hated.. I mean hated cats. We had a male cat that he tolerated for me though. I had to sneak the cat out of the house to have him clipped.. starter husband pitched such a fit when I brought it up.
Y'all are just too attached to those fleshy bags. =]

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHolly B

Don't worry, there is total a solution for your pet. It's at .

Also, I'm pretty sure you need to invent a bra for nuts. It would be like the 'maziere' or 'bro', but down below. Ha.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachael

bahahaha! you crack me up! like...pee my pants funny, like...spit soda out my nose funny! (would it be considered "spitting" if it's out your nose? hhmm..)
Funny as!

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCindy H. @lifeonprint

I love how you expect us to believe you have testicles.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

LOL! That was great. Your wife is funny! I like the way she thinks.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKellie

You are too funny! I both feel sorry for your wife and am jealous of her. The things she puts up with........yet, you are one funny dude. Your picture link with "an absolute horror show" literally made me Laugh Out Loud.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat (@kathym425)

BWHAHAHAH that was priceless and perfect.. and I agree with your wife.. this is so a conversation my hubby and I would have if I hadn't had him neutered and by the way he still does the naked shower dance , hump my leg kind of thing that didn't fix it

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAngel

We all have to accept that our balls will someday be old-man balls. We don't want it to happen, but it does. At least they are still there, all sagging, wrinkled and whatnot. But wait - thats what they look like even when we're young.

They really are weird little things aren't they?


October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSimple Dude

Hilarious! I don't understand the fascination/obsession that men have with their own balls. I mean, the expression "you have balls" or "that takes balls!" sums up the fixation.

I've started saying "That takes ovaries!" to combat this ball obsession.

Your wife rocks, by the way.

October 5, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOld School/New School Mom

That sounds exactly like a conversation I would have with crazysahm, because she has a Golden Girls obsession and has repeatedly told me balls especially old man balls are gross.

October 9, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterunidledad

women commit more child abuse and infant murders. maybe you should joke about how ovaries cause those crimes and see if she takes it well.

joking or not, it's kinda derogatory towards men.

May 1, 2014 | Unregistered Commenterdan

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