Last night after the little bastards’ heads nestled calmly on their little cartoon-covered pillows and the dog assumed his position as chief asshole in the house, the wife and I turned on Monday Night Football.
At first I was shocked she was actually sitting there watching the game with me not all, “I think Cake Boss is on!” Or, “I have a new episode of Sister Wives, wanna watch?”
Those are the phrases that usually get me reaching for my beer and heading out of the room at the speed of light.
That’s when she started it:
The Wife: “Why is it called ‘football?’”
The Wife: “I mean, they had to name soccer soccer cause football was already taken, so why did they name it football? Why not pigskin or man-game or tight ends?”
Me: “There wasn’t a single word in that entire question that remotely made sense. I award you no points and may god have mercy on your soul.”
The Wife: “You seriously need to stop stealing lines from movies. Why didn’t you ever play football? Cause you whittle mommy wouldn’t whet you? Hummmm? Scared da big bad player might hurt your whittle bones?”
Me: “You know I’m over a foot taller than you and could literally crush you with my thumb, right?”
The Wife: “I think it’s awesome that they’re wearing pink though. I mean…they do make pink look sexy as hell.”
Me: “I’m wearing pink right now… Wanna see?”
The Wife: “Only if it’s a pair of pink underwear made of $50 bills.”
Me: “So what I’m taking from this conversation is that you want to role-play in the bedroom. You want me to dress like a football player supporting breast cancer month? Is that what all this is about.”
The Wife: “Are you gonna look like that quarterback right there for the Colts? Cause I could have me some of that!!”
Me: “You mean the guy who right there who likes like he fell straight out of a Def Leppard video from the 80s? I’ve got an old mullet wig down in the basement I could toss on if that’ll help?”
The Wife: “Quick…go get it and turn the game on the HD flat screen downstairs. I’ll be right there…”
Thanks Cults new quarterback Curtis Painter! I owe you one buddy!