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Daddy? What's My Penis For?

You know those Saturday’s when you’re just kinda hanging out?

The kids are doing their own thing. You’re zoned out plowing through the newspaper while the wife is obsessively drilling through Facebook and for a brief moment that’s when you realize “no one wants anything.”

No one’s screaming “nu-uh!!! I’m gonna tell!!!”

And the dog isn’t at the backdoor slamming his hellish paw against the annoying as shit bell we taught him to ring every time he wants to go out.


And that’s when the boy rolled up and muttered to me, “daddy what’s my penis for?”

Working hard not to spit my coffee all over the cute little redheaded bastard, I took a hard swallow and responded, “ummm, to pee with dude!”

The Dude: “Really, that’s it? Just to pee with?”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Well, I mean, there’s other stuff but you’ll learn about that later.”

The Dude: “Like what daddy?”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Seriously dude, we’ll talk about it later, it’s complicated and daddy’s tired.”

The Dude: “Is is where babies come from?”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Holy mother of ….. I mean…man, what are they teaching you at school? Who are you hanging out with!!?!”

The Dude: “No I’ve just been wondering.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “No, baby’s do not technically come out of your penis.”

The Dude: “What if something happens to it.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Well then you put that thing on ice IMMEDIATELY and find yourself a damn good attorney .”

The Dude: “I don’t understand.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “I’m jumping ahead. You remember when daddy said to make sure and talk to me before you get married?”

The Dude: “Yes daddy.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “That’s all you need to know right now my man. Now go ride your bike or blow bubbles or something.”

The Dude: “You’ve made me scared to have a penis daddy.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “It’s a big damn responsibility my son. You shouldn’t take it lightly. Many important people have died or ruined their lives cause they couldn’t handle their penis. It’s a lifetime battle dude…just know that I’ll do all I can to guide you along this bumpy road.”

The Dude: “Daddy, why would my penis go down a bumpy road?”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Hey – is that the ice cream man?”

The Dude: “No…I don’t hear anything.”

Dumbass Dad (ME): “Who wants to go for ice cream?!!!”

Later that night I cried myself to sleep….


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Reader Comments (22)

Honestly, when it's time to have the talk just sent him to ummm anyone but you. I'm fairly confident you still have no idea how to properly use a penis. In fact I'm not sure why you still have one. I am glad to see you back & laughed out loud my friend.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

This had me absolutely cracking up. I'd just play the King Missile song for him over & over & over again until he wondered why he couldn't detach his penis.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Ah! I laughed so hard my little boy was looking at me like I was crazy. Little does he know.....

Thank God for Fathers!! I am sure the boy had asked mom a few days ahead of time and she told him to ask you! At lease that is what I totally plan to do when our boy starts asking those questions.. "Go ask your father dear. Cause I sure as hell don't know!" =)

I've missed your antics! Glad to see you back!

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRegina

Oh I laughed so hard through this I was crying!!!

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSoberJulie

That is funny, captured hilariously in dialogue.

My accidental approach to parenting is similar: give honest answers to my twins with way too much information then (later) realize they wanted a simple answer and cry myself to sleep.

Something like that...

I had an equally awkward conversation with my 4 year old who wanted to know how he got out of my tummy. "Because there isn't a door, is there mummy?" I'm not ready for this line of questioning yet!

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAllison

Dude, I loved this. One word of advice. You're a guy and a guy should never utter the phrase, "I took a hard swallow," when the conversation is about the penis. I tell you this because I care about you, bro. You know I care right? I won't swallow, but I care.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJR Reed

Wow, yeah, I'm not looking forward to those conversations.......

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

I've been thinking a lot about these kind of conversations that I know are right around the corner. I like how you told him it's a big responsibility and how many lives have been ruined because a man couldn't take control of it.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

Rewind, you could have said, why those are because then you don't have to sit down to pee, you can pee against walls, against trees, fun stuff. And they make it easier to hit cheerios in the toilet. And then dropped some cereal in the toilet and have him take target practice to distract him.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara L

Good lord, after this I am REALLY glad I don't have a penis

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjillsmo

"You've made me scared to have a penis, daddy." just made me pee. Perfection.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTracy @nystoopmama

My son pointed to his balls and asked: "what's this mommy?"
Me: "Your scrotum"
Son: "What's it for?"
Me: "Jokes when you get older."

He seemed happy with that answer. Although later his preschool teacher took me aside and said he'd been pointing out his "strocum" to anyone who would look. Ok. This behavior sounds totally normal for a guy.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTonya

LMAO - I've had some comedic moments trying to explain tampons and pads. I am a single mom so taking my son into a stall with me has been a must for some time and it's always awkward. How do you explain thongs to a kid? I told my son I did not want the lines to show ... :)

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterC...

Son: Mommy, why do you pee backwards?
Me: Huh?
Son: Your peepee's missing. That why you pee backwards?
Me: I'm a girl. Go ask your dad.

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSara

This is the best thing I have read all week. Also, it makes me glad that I have girls...

August 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLex

"You've made me scared to have a penis daddy." LMAO! Your poor, poor son.

August 31, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlisa

I'm gonna go there and say it, kids say the darnedest things. My youngest was convinced that I had a penis, he would torture me at in town bathroom visits by beckoning to all within earshot saying "I know you have a penis, mama." Humiliated I would childishly respond "I do not!" Weeks of be called an owner of the penis finally revealed that he believed that anyone capable of peeing had a penis "pee-nis"...I'm not gonna lie, I was relieved by this 4 y/o logic.

Best of luck for your future talk!

September 1, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHarmony

LOL! This made me pee my pants! This has also happened to me except I am a mom so I had the luxury of saying "go ask daddy." LOL!

September 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRhoda Crook

Bahahaha..... poor child. I concur with another poster. Have someone else explain the birds and the bees. lol

September 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterL.A.C.E.

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