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I'm Having Visions!

I got a glimpse of what life could possibly be like with kids who actually do things around the house.

I was making hamburgers for the family to shove down their throats when I thought, “I should totally ask the boy if he wants to learn how to grill.”

Seeing as every dude is born with the small molecule called “if it involves a flame and eatable flesh count me in,” I figured the boy would answer with a resounding “yes!”

“YES!!” he yelled! I was right.

As I stood there watching him flip the burgers, astonished that he’d managed to not combust into a screaming pile of flames, a small beam of hope crept through my body causing a smile to appear across my face.

Visions of me coming home from work to find the daughter folding her clean laundry as the boy puts the finishing touches on my filet mignon replaced outdated visions taking up space in my head. Visions of strippers saying “no silly, you don’t need to pay us, these dances are on the house,” left my brain to make room for my expanding perfect children scenario.

My smile got larger as I imagined sitting on my lawn chair drinking an ice cold beer as the boy mowed the lawn while the daughter watered the plants.

Next thing I knew my children were suddenly wearing delightfully clean and proper clothes. The boy in his blue trousers and sporty ironed shirt was asking, “Father? Would you like another beer?”

My overly helpful daughter clad in a stunning full-length sundress bursts from the door announcing, “no need, I have already fetched one for him. Here you are father!!”

And that’s when I notice my perfectly prim helpful children were speaking with English accents.

Blood was flowing through my body like a young teenager sneaking a peek at his mother’s friend’s cleavage.

I had convinced myself in a matter of 1.5 minutes that by simply supervising my son’s first attempt at grilling hamburgers I was altering time and setting into motion the very events that would turn my children…PERFECT!

I was a freakin’ genius and I had to tell someone immediately!!

Grabbing my beer I flew open the back door, found my loving wife, and quickly explained the awesomeness that was the perfect children formula I just created.

Her response?

“So where is your perfect son right now Mr. Genius?”

“OH SHIT! The grill!!” I screamed running to the backyard hoping I didn’t see my vision of brilliance literally going up in flames.

I didn’t.

Instead I found the boy catching fire flies while our delicious dinner transformed into hard, black, round weapons of mass destruction.

“Grayson?! What happened to dinner dude?”

The boy stopped, thought for a second, then said, “But you like to cook daddy.”

It was at that moment that I finally realized that I’m a total idiot and that I will forever be stuck serving my precious little children.

But, at least I still had my stripper vision.


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Reader Comments (12)

My father never, ever let me grill. The first time I got to operate a grill, I had to. My aunt was throwing a huge party, at her house, while I was in high school, sneaking a beer when I thought nobody was looking. Only, well, nobody was looking a lot of the time because every single member of the older generation was drunk.

When it was time to eat, nobody really felt that they were ok near flame . . . so I, who had never grilled before in my life, had to grill. I also had to mix margaritas.

Everyone seemed to love the food, but I'm pretty sure I could have served the burgers raw . . . margaritas have a 2 (tequila) : 1 (triple sec) : 1 (margarita mix), right?

August 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Eh, at least you have the free dances. dad and I didn't have a good relationship so he never offered to teach me how to grill.

I learned on my own at about age 25. I'm a freakin master now, though. :-)

If my wife grills half the time it ends up in disaster. Just the other day, I was printing out concert tickets and she decided she couldn't wait. Needless to say there was a good size fire, burnt food, and I had to redo the food from frozen.

August 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmoebaMike

Well, at least you have the memories of that lovely, lovely vision...

August 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMel

Hahahahahah i can't stop laughing at this post it's cracking me up more than the one about what dudes do when the family is away, i tried to take my 2 boys how to grill this summer as well, but i think my plan backfired as now they want a shot everytime we light up the grill which is nearly every weekend seeing as it summer.

It's great but we have a grill that you put briquettes into and then light them up and sometimes the flames get a bit out of control and seeing as they are only 6 years old you are required to stand with them while they do anything near the grill lol...

But keep that dream alive my friend one day we will all have perfect children, i'm with you!!

August 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBen

Yes, you'll always have the dancers.

You actually could probably semi-pull the whole perfect child sevitude gig off with something called "allowance" or bribery, either or.

I'm also not opposed to black mail, threats or a little something I like to call, "cause I said so".

August 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCari

As long as your kids are perfect in your imagination, then all is good.

August 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

Grilling AND fetching beers?!? We'd all have it made wouldn't we? Glad you got your vision in.

August 12, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSara @Periwinkle Papillon

It doen't get any better as they get older. My son will trip over 4 bags of garbage, a dog that's begging to be let out to pee and walk past an overflowing sink to make sure he can get to his X-Box!!

August 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIamLittleJohnny

Laughing too hard to think of a witty comment. Just found your blog tonight. I'll be back.

August 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKate

Enjoy your boy while he's still a small man cub. Seriously. Sooner than you can even imagine, you will have to decrease so your son can increase. It's not an easy thing, trust me on his.

August 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHogsAteMySister

This made my day. Hell, it made my month.

August 25, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatieB

I love reading your blog! i know this may not be the place for this but we are a combat vet family in desperate need of help. Any help you or your fans could do would really help! Thank you so much

August 26, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterallison

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