My Son Is Al-Qaeda

I’m pretty sure my kids are terrorists.

But never at the same time. No….one always has to be America.

I can only break it down to you as though I were the inter-web-machine-thingy.

So let’s say I’m Twitter.

On this particular day the boy is Al-Qaeda and the daughter is America.

Twitter lay in bed thankful to be at the top of the food-chain in its household as it enjoys the silence. The fan is turning as it should to drown out barks from the incessantly annoying beast that lay caged below. Twitter’s bride is asleep next to it kindly keeping her nighttime breath-funk from darkening its nostrils thanks to the “Great Wall of China” pillow barrier she’s built between them.

And the little bastards sleep. Life is good…

But that’s not what Al-Qaeda has planned for the day.

The boy wakens. There’s no haze on the brain, delay in reaction or hesitation in what the goal of the task that lay ahead contains.

He MUST create chaos and disrupt order!

Taking the last step from its Ikea-built loft onto the cold November wood floor, Al-Qaeda stops to listen for the lay of the land. The sun is not up yet so its senses must be keen.

The humming of fans and calm feeling of peace bring a smile to Al-Qaeda’s face as it tip-toes slowly from its room towards America’s lair.

Standing eerily at the country’s doorway Al-Qaeda contemplates… “shall I pounce or douse the toilet and floor with my urine first?”

Al-Qaeda chooses to give the bathroom a thorough golden shower first. But it’s made a mistake because it has yet to realize it cannot pee without slamming the lid down upon completion.

That is when Twitter’s senses become awakened and keenly aware something is afoot!

Twitter immediately turns his eyes to the closet mirrors and watches as Al-Qaeda slowly and methodically makes its way towards America’s doorstep. Twitter tweets, “I see something #alqedaisgonnafuckshitupyo”

America lies peacefully sleeping, clutching its soft, pink blanket.

Al-Qaeda’s brain shuts down. Rationale escapes. There is but only one thing left to do.

Pounce America and make it cry!!!

And with that Al-Qaeda unleashes itself running full-fledged, uncontrollably towards what will end in pure hell just as Twitter swoops in from behind with a “occupy my daughter’s bedroom quick!! Terrorists!!”

But it’s too late.

Al-Qaeda lands solid on America, crushing its dainty hands below. A scream bellows from America.

America has been crushed…but not for good…because Twitter is there to rally the masses.

The wife comes crashing through the door, tossing Twitter aside and grabs Al-Qaeda by the arm.

“What is your problem boy!?!!! We’re sleeping, your sister’s sleeping and your dad’s standing over there tweeting like a douche?! GO TO BED!!!”

Al-Qaeda slowly sleeks away to its cave. America rolls over in its fuzzy blanky calmly going back to sleep. And, the wife gives Twitter a death-look as it tweets, “wife just rocked a whole batch of awesome parenting. Now off to snuggle with her and sex away the night!!”

This….this is just a small moment in what is the life of being parents of two organizations who want nothing but the utmost harm done to the other.

*Editor’s note

Dear Government:

My son is NOT actually Al-Qaeda, nor does he have any affiliations with Al-Qaeda or even know what in the hell it is. Please do not kick down my door, steal my computer or put me in any situation in which Matt Lauer must interview me following a segment in which he “investigates” whether Kim Kardashian’s ass is real or implants.

Love,

Me

I Answer 20 Questions About Myself

So, it’s been a while since I went to the amazing wives, dads, family, and friends that I enjoy following on Twitter to ask, “what do you want to know about me.”

In fact, I think it’s been over a year or so. Here’s some of the other times I’ve done it.

Yesterday I asked on Twitter “the first 20 questions asked I’ll answer truthfully” and then it rained questions.

So, without further adieu….here we go:

@flashyphotog asks:  If you were a drag queen, what would be your signature dance move?

Well first off I only do lawn dances. Butt!! (yes, I meant “butt”) if I were a drag queen how in the holy hell could I not do “The Butt” with touch of “Jessie’s Girl” and a sick rendition of “Single Ladies” sprinkled throughout!! Now throw me my damn leotards and step off!!

@jbenj219 Why do toasters have a setting on them that burns toast so bad that no one would ever use it? It’s simple. Toasters are the product of Al Qaeda. They’re not dumb. They know how much we enjoy toast - the crunchy, buttery, amazingly sexy feeling of toast so early in the morning. Jam, spread thickly across its porous surface only to meet the morning’s first cup of coffee in your hot-garbage morning breath mouth!! It’s ecstasy!!!

And Al Qaeda is here to fuck it all up with a burnt-ass toast setting cause they know our lazy asses will choose that to hurry all that awesomeness up!

@ellemenopee what do you sleep in? Great freakin’ question!! I used to enjoy the succulent feeling of fresh, static-free sheets against my manly-bits until I had KIDS! Now…I enjoy sleeping in the sexy, hott, old-school, crotch-blown-out running shorts I retired years ago. Seriously…I know you’re thinking about leaving your husband for me…you should really refrain.

@ladyquestion and @dakotapam why is daddy crying : Ok, well, the best answer to that can only be found thanks to the amazing @littleanimation who answered the question “Why Is Daddy Crying” with THIS and THIS.

@artisticdork why did you think you’d only get one? It’s true…I did tweet I was scared that I’d only get one response to my question of “ask me anything” to my twitter kids. And well…it all stems back to the time I was 6 years old and my brother and I were at McDonald’s for ice cream and they made one ice cream cone…..and then the machine broke. And…guess who got the cone!?! Yeah….my brother. Ever since then the glass in my life has been half empty.

@dadlogicblog do you lick 9-volt batteries? Wait! That’s not normal?! Oooohhhh…so that’s why my doctors and dentists have been looking at my body and then saying, “ummm…we’re gonna need you to just sit tight for juuuuust a bit, mmmkay? Thanks!!” and then running out of the room only to enter two minutes later with colleagues from other hospitals and medical magazines uttering words like, “I know, I’ve never seen some sick 9-volt addictive battery shit like that either!!”

@thesuniverse Salty snacks or sweet? Show your work in your answer. OK…this question has me both wanting some shelled peanuts and also the phone number to the nearest shrink in your immediate area that makes. Also, ummm…when they diagnose you…please share the drugs!!

@willgoldenstein why is blue? This…has…to be..the most…profound…question…EVER!!! Seriously. Every part of this sentence is just balls-on accurate. Why is blue? I’ll tell you why is blue….because the rapture is pissed from all the press it’s gotten and has decided to merge with the Mayan’s 2012 death-trap claim. Now the entire freakin’ sub-death-world is coming for our asses sometime next year. When? Who the hell knows? But it’s coming. So, why is blue? Better question…Why is a Big Death Dildo Emerging From Sky In A Big “I Must Crush You” Russian Voice Kill Everyone Fashion!!?!

@nordicwonder how would your perfect Father's day go? Sex, beer, running, beer, sex, sex, sex, beer, sleep, sex, beer, massage.

@_green_eyes_ ok..do you have any twitter crushes? Absolutely. Have you not been watching my incredible battle with @ieatmykizsnack over the past year? I don’t think I’ve fantasized about anyone more than her….just check out some of our battles here and judge for yourself!

@overmom will there be a for reals rapture? Please see my above answer to @willgoldenstein

@chickensfeed You are vacuuming, the floor is littered with barbie shoes and tiny lego pieces. What do you do? I call the “annoying co-worker” at work, tell her “the boss really needs you to test your skills at my house before she feels she can give you an accurate job skills assessment!!” and then prop-up a lawn chair next to a cooler of beer and watch the magic happen.

@dadgineer Why, if stranded on a deserted Island, would you bring a collection of Barbara Streisand photos? Ummm…I’m pretty sure, knowing my luck, that in the act of me becoming stranded on an island the sexy Barbara Streisand photos I had with me would get the face burned off them, leaving them to look like Donald Trump with Streisand’s body. And, therefore, I  would spend the rest of my life crying and masturbating to a picture of Donald Trump sporting a pair of large breasts.

@chickmae How did you meet your wife? (I love hear about peoples love stories) OK…I’m gonna cop-out on this one and just throw up a link to the story of how we met…enjoy lady!!!

@beingloopy Do you trim your nose and/or ear hair? Neither…I trim my….well…I said I wouldn’t lie!!!  Regardless, I’m very grateful that I have not had to deal with nose or ear hair yet. But when I do, believe me, I will embrace it, braid it, and throw some Bob Marley beads in it!

@ieatmykidzsnack ok stupid who would be at your fantasy dinner party? Pick 5 people past or present & why. Now fuck offffffffffffffffffffff John Bonham, greatest drummer ever and an amazing drinker; Bobcat Goldthwait, just cause; Casey, the kid who slammed that bully to the ground; Sinead O’Connor just to add some life to the party; Sarah Palin so we had something to throw our empty beer bottles at all night.

@onecheapmama As we get older, why do we actually choose vanilla ice cream when as kids we thought “how boring!”? Because it’s simple, quick, satisfying, sweet, pure and brings us back to the very beginnings of our childhood when the first taste of that succulent nectar from the gods of ice cream touched our tongues and made us say, “yes…YES! All will be good on this great spinning water planet called Earth.”

@toots_a_lot VanHalen or VanHagar? Neither. I know this will cause riots, but I just can’t stand either. Wasn’t my bag. I’m more of a Led Zeppelin, 60s, grunge, indie music kinda guy. Van Halen was kinda everything I didn’t want my music to be. Sorry!!!

@alynrosselini Out of all the tweets you've sent out, which one is your favorite and why? How in the holy hell can I pick one. I think my best so far was my first…and I have no freakin’ idea what that was.

@aprilsm4 Why the fuck am I so pissed off today? Probably for the same reason we’re all pissed off today!! Toilet paper just isn’t what is used to be. I mean, I can remember a time when it was wipe and BAM!! you’re done. Now…not so much. There’s residual. There’s “should I get 1-ply, double-ply” “should I get aloe or will that oil me up so I feel like a tired $2 hooker all day?”

It’s complicated. I get it!

So, that’s it. Those are my answer and I’m sticking to them. Thanks to all those who asked questions!



A Pictorial Look Back

I put this picture on Twitter the other day of the girl rocking out like it’s 1983, and it got me thinking.

I should take a walk back in time through pictures I’ve tossed on Twitter over the past year. I enjoy whipping-out the ole phone camera from time to time in the hopes I’ll catch an unforgettable moment, and toss it on TwitPic.

So, I did just that…I dug through the vaults and now I give you, an assemblage of pictures I’ve snapped and thrown on Twitpic over the past 365 days, complete with commentary:

I volunteer every Monday in my daughter’s kindergarten class. Her “boyfriend” always spends those days drawing thought-provoking pictures of me such as this. His pictures make me cry at night….

Hell yes I played Santa for a friends’ family holiday party!

One of many reasons I can’t wait until the summer. Looong bike rides with the boy along the river.

Sometimes you just have to step outside the box when it comes to requesting a little nookie-time with the wifey.

Unloading chess-jedi-mindtrick-knowledge on the boy…just incase chess becomes a multi-billion-dollar-a-year industry.

And if chess doesn’t work, I’m falling back on roller-derby with my bad-ass daughter!!! Bring daddy the paycheck!!!

Yes, it’s true. Jesus was a tow-truck driver before he became…well..Jesus. I still regret not buying this damn painting from the Antique store.

One of many awesome notes the boy and I pass back and forth every day through his lunch box.

Fuck yeah Pink Ducky got praised by random Spider-dudes in downtown Chicago.

Last but not least, the absolute love of my life on her 36^th birthday.

I'm Done With You Snuggie!!

At some point in my social media madness I became as synonymous with Snuggies as Sarah Palin has with shotguns, seeing Russia from her backyard, and thinking North Korea is our ally.

Could it be my original post about sex and the Snuggie?

Could it be my take on the Great American Snuggie Family?

Could it be that I just brought this Snuggie-shit-storm on myself?

Quite simply…yes is the answer to all the above.

Fact: At least once every three days I get a tweet, Facebook message, or text from a friend about a new Snuggie that’s come out.

It’s like I’ve become the Woodward and Bernstein of Snuggies. Apparently you’re all my “deepthroats” leaving it up to me to blast the hell out of the underground sadistic Snuggie world.

And I love it!! It’s been awesome!

However, it’s become blatantly apparent how the marketing gurus of the world jam just about anything down our throats and make us buy it.

If Justin Beaver’s skill-less singing triumphs aren’t enough to reveal how marketing sadly dominates our interests, then by Baby Jesus Snuggies definitely do.

It wasn’t until my dear friend Stacey (@ieatmykidzsnack on Twitter) sent me a Tweet of a Santa Snuggie that it hit me…I’m experiencing a mild, diluted version of what child actors must experience.

How many times did Gary Coleman get asked by a nervous elevator-rider to just say “what you talkin’ about Willis?!”

How many times did Macaulay Culkin get aftershave thrown on him in the hopes he’d throw his un-chapped palms against his cheeks and reveal his young, innocent “O-Face?”

The numbers must be obscene.

Am I even in same realm as a child actor? Hell no.

Did I think it was an awesome opportunity to use “O-Face” in a blog post? Yes.

But, it’s time for me to part with the Snuggie.

I’m forever grateful for every email, text, Tweet, Facebook post, etc…. that includes Snuggie insanity.

But I’ve made a grown-ass decision to try and leave it all behind. And, like most child actors…I’m doing it by nudity.

I’m grabbing my long coveted “Pants Optional Friday” by the balls and making it a life-style.

Clothes & Snuggies optional baby!!!

I mean come on! The Snuggie Sutra is just a cumbersome reminder of how painful it was to “get it on” under pegged jeans, long sweaters, and Madonna bracelets back in the day.

Who in the hell wants fake fibers creeping into private areas and getting absorbent at the wrong time? We’re all adults now, right?!

So let’s drop trow, throw those tops on a lamp shade and be done with it. It’s Clothes & Snuggies Optional Lifestyle!

Maybe it’s called the “Nudie?” Maybe it’s called the “What Honey? Yeah I Showered Today, I Swear.” Or maybe it’s called the “No I’m Not Sitting On The Remote, I’m Pretty Sure I’d Know!!”

Whatever it is, it’s not a blanket covering our holy given goods, instead, its letting them flaunt, breathe and hang.

So join the club my fellow campers. Let’s go Clothes & Snuggies Optional this holiday season and give the family something to REALLY talk about.

This blog post is not sanctioned by the people at Snuggie. Snuggie is a trademark carried by the Dudes Owning Universal Class H Eveningware (DOUCHE). Snuggies does not believe individuals should copulate, grope, see, touch, imagine, feel, dream, remember, or even brush up against anything that should resemble human skin. Snuggies should only be worn by WhyIsDaddyCrying’s daughter in the hopes it will keep all participants of the male gender from her doorstep. Any man and/or woman seen at Why Is Daddy Crying’s daughter’s doorstep with the desire to copulate, discuss copulation, or any other inappropriate action should be warned a gun is currently aimed at your “feel good” areas. If you are with the local law enforcement agency or FBI please note that last sentence was only a joke. No it wasn’t. Yes it was.

Smurfs & Headbangers Ball

It’s kind of ironic that one of the main Twitter topics yesterday was things I miss from my childhood, because it’s been something I’ve been carefully pondering for some time now.

See, I had this aspiration of sitting down, growing a huge long beard, smoking lots of weed, and writing this amazing tell-all book about my childhood.

Then, family, fatherhood, honey-do lists, and the like happened. Mr. Book probably isn’t ever going to happen.

So, now, I’ve decided to stop sandbagging my drunken dad childhood memories and start blogging them. Why not, right?

So, I started to make a list of possible blog topics I could cover in-between writing about things like why I’d make a shitty terrorist, how winters are a cock-blocking drought for me, and the unfortunate history of a Snuggie family gone wrong.

A sneak peak at my “childhood possible blog topics yet to come”:

• My brother shooting BB’s at my feet in the garage to make me dance
• My brother throwing me outside tied up and naked
• Coming home drunk for the first time
• My brother and I being chased by my rabid mother and her deadly wooden spoons.

But in the process of tossing together a wandering list, I couldn’t help but ponder the wonderful things I miss from my childhood.

Smurfs

Those blue bastards were so magical at the time. Papa Smurf had all the answers and Smurfette was so damn hott. Gargamel was that nasty bastard next door, or in my case, my father. Regardless, you always pulled for the short acid-trip characters to kick some ass and persevere.

Inspector Gadget

That guy makes MacGyver look like a bish. I’ll never forget dropping my book-bag at the door, whipping open the refrigerator door, finding my favorite strawberry and banana yogurt, and plopping down on the chair to take in yet another episode of this cartoonish clutz as he solves an unforgettable crime.

Life was so simple then.

Headbangers Ball

I’ll never forget the hotel room I was in when MTV went live on the air. It was like seeing porn for the first time.

The sound blaring through the TV set. The feeling of not giving a rat’s ass as you let the music video reveal how your life just “should be.” All filled with the anticipation of what video could possibly be next?!

Then, the impossible happened when I was hitting my teenage years. MTV launched Headbangers Ball. I was blessed with the ability to listen to hardcore, talented musicians at a time of day when we had to sneak out of bed to watch. Rebellion mixed with bad-assnes for the win!!!

MTV and Headbangers Ball were the staple of my existence well into college until the network completed its journey of slowly turning into complete shit.

So enough of my ramblings. Those are three prize 1980’s kid choices…what are yours? Tell me what in the hell you miss.