A Pictorial Look Back

I put this picture on Twitter the other day of the girl rocking out like it’s 1983, and it got me thinking.

I should take a walk back in time through pictures I’ve tossed on Twitter over the past year. I enjoy whipping-out the ole phone camera from time to time in the hopes I’ll catch an unforgettable moment, and toss it on TwitPic.

So, I did just that…I dug through the vaults and now I give you, an assemblage of pictures I’ve snapped and thrown on Twitpic over the past 365 days, complete with commentary:

I volunteer every Monday in my daughter’s kindergarten class. Her “boyfriend” always spends those days drawing thought-provoking pictures of me such as this. His pictures make me cry at night….

Hell yes I played Santa for a friends’ family holiday party!

One of many reasons I can’t wait until the summer. Looong bike rides with the boy along the river.

Sometimes you just have to step outside the box when it comes to requesting a little nookie-time with the wifey.

Unloading chess-jedi-mindtrick-knowledge on the boy…just incase chess becomes a multi-billion-dollar-a-year industry.

And if chess doesn’t work, I’m falling back on roller-derby with my bad-ass daughter!!! Bring daddy the paycheck!!!

Yes, it’s true. Jesus was a tow-truck driver before he became…well..Jesus. I still regret not buying this damn painting from the Antique store.

One of many awesome notes the boy and I pass back and forth every day through his lunch box.

Fuck yeah Pink Ducky got praised by random Spider-dudes in downtown Chicago.

Last but not least, the absolute love of my life on her 36^th birthday.

An Open Letter to Santa

Dear Fat Boy:

I’ve been mulling around in my head what to say and/or do to you, my man. I mean…back in the day, when I was a kid, I felt like we were brothers. Like we started some kick-ass fraternity and you were the cool older dude that could grow a beard, pound a beer, and still act all “hey baby…can I help in the kitchen?” when Mrs. Claus rolls on the scene.

Now…well, you’re kind of a little bitch. Last Christmas you gave me socks. Fucking SOCKS! After 146 days of not inhaling, not wearing mirrors on my shoe laces, removing the web cam from the wifey’s dressing area, and even buying her flowers once….I get socks.

And....I’ve taken my kids to see you three times. Two of the three times you got frustrated when I’m all, “hold on – let me get one with my phone for my Twitter peeps!!!” Screw you buddy…people wanna see the boy and girl sitting on your lap. Deal buddy. Actually they don’t. I secretly think they’re just hoping it’s Pink Ducky chillin on those kick-ass red pants of yours.

So listen…can we just start over? You’ve been a prick…I’ve been a bit moody, but underneath it all…I mean, we did at one point kinda have a spark right?

So if we’re cool…here’s what I’d really really love to find under my tree this year… I’m just sayin’…:

1)  I’m gonna need a pause button for the kids. Don’t act like you can’t pull this one off…I’ve seen it on Saved by the Bell…time can be stopped!!! Ask Zack Morris.

2)  Actually this one is more of a warning than a request. Let me catch you putting one…just one Snuggie under a tree and see what happens. I’ll start with Rudolph….think I’m playing? Try me. I’ve been to prison…actually I haven’t, but I watch TV!

3)  Can you bring a dinosaur back to life…just for one day? Damn that would be badass. Come on man…just like have it eat a tree, step on a car, and tear through a building or something cool for me to TwitPic.

4)  Ummm…lean in close on this one, OK? A little closer…(can you please, PLEASE, give the wifey something other than skin colored panties to wear? Dude…come on…you know what I mean…help a brother out…thanks man!)

5)  A job! Please…it’s not much I’m asking for…and you know I love you and didn’t mean to take those pictures of Mrs. Claus and put them on the web. I need work man!!

6)  You remember that whole “water into wine” thing? I mean…this is really supposed to be all about the birth of people’s savor…so ummm…I’ve written this business plan…could you just look it over. That’s it…no strings attached, just check it out and let’s talk.

7)  You know how people obsess over the whiteness of their teeth and how racist that shit really is? Well, I’m right there with you….so screw them…can you just fix this fucking tunnel in-between my two front teeth? Seriously…the older I get the more I whistle when I tell the boy to “stop!”

8)  Seriously…some of the elves haven’t been too pleased with the cutbacks this year….lack of knee pads, cleaning up after deer after “taco night,” stuff like that. Drop a cool “grand” on me and I’ll smooth it all over.

So in conclusion…you’ve been mean to me….but I still love ya, dinosaurs fuckin’ shit up would be awesome, a job, I’ve got the Mrs. on film, and water into wine sounds pretty spectacular right!!!??!

Love,

WhyIsDaddyCrying?

A Day With Pink Ducky Part Deux

A month ago, almost to the day, I pulled a good little plastic dude from the depths of depression and showed him one hell of a good day. Yep, Pink Ducky.

He was stuck in a real bad routine of sitting in a rotting, moldy bath-tub bag, alone, cold, depressed. So I showed him a good time!

Well, after posting pictures from his day on Twitter and this blog, Pink Ducky became a star. He got an endorsement deal from Jared Galleria of Expensive-Ass Jewelry and got paid!

I kinda lost track of the little guy cause he was so damn busy. Then, on Saturday I woke-up to the smell of waffles wafting through the air. Everyone in the house was asleep, so the first thing that came to mind was, “Oh shit, someone broke in my house to make waffles!” Thinking of family first, I grabbed a bat and walked downstairs holding the wifey in front of me for protection. And much to my glee I found Pink Ducky!!!

“You’ve been in a slump,

And feeling like a chump,

So I’m crankin’ out some waffles and here to say,

Today is gonna be YOU’RE day!!”

“Why the hell are you talking in rhyme’s Pink Ducky,” I asked?

“It’s kind of a long story,

But if you really wanna know the whole thing will be on Maury.”

“You were interviewed on the Maury Povich Show? Damn Pink Ducky, you’re a rock star!”

Anyway, the conversation continued…. But the bottom line was, the little bastard wanted to lift my spirits and enjoy a day together. So…we caught the first train to the city.

Then, he brought me to the Sears Tower.

Once we got up top he said, “Everything you see here can be yours if you try,

Damn..this is getting scary…we’re up pretty freakin’ high.”

After telling Pink Ducky the rhyming stuff was getting pretty damn old, we headed out for some grub at Ada’s Restaurant.

Then, we went to the Marshall Fields building (Macy’s) and wrote letters to Santa.

Not five damn minutes after Pink Ducky wrote his letter, Santa freakin’ delivered. That’s the luckiest Pink Ducky I’ve ever seen in my life.

Then, after dodging falling ice, having to deal with Pink Ducky having an “accident” cause the bathroom was broken, and buying him a pair of Crocs – the #2 ranked article of clothing on the list of things I can’t stand….#1 of course being the Snuggie – he decided he knew what my problem was.

“You know what’s wrong with you baby?

You’ve got to learn how to get down and sexified with your lady”

So we pounded a shitty PBR and headed home.

Then he whipped-out the guitar and showed me the art of serenading.

Took me on a tour of my wifey’s naughty drawer.

And showed me how a glass of red wine always helps get thing started.

But none of it helped. Pink Ducky failed. I tried to break it easy to him that I was still pretty depressed but he kept getting calls on his cell phone and said he had to run off to “a thing.”

In the end – it was kinda cool hanging out with the little fella again. And I do miss him. And I can’t freakin’ wait for the Maury show so I can find out why the hell he talks in rhymes.

A Day With Pink Ducky

So we have a ducky. A pink ducky to be exact. He’s a cool dude, hangs out, doesn’t really cause much trouble. The little bastard used to light up from within. When we first brought him into our crazy life he was a rock-star. The kids slept with him…the daughter held him on a pedestal. Mainly because his flashing guts made them feel like the owner of the most bad-ass piece of awesomeness that ever existed.

Then his lights stopped blinking.

He spent a week shoved between the mattress and the wall of my daughter’s bed until he was saved by the ole fashioned sheet changing maneuver. Then he lived on my daughter’s dresser and was there the day fishy died. A week later, the daughter rediscovered him and he was transported to the tub. Since that time, he’s become one of two dozen toys crammed in a bathtub toy baggy, rarely played with, constantly cold, damp, wet, and ignored. Until yesterday.

During a regular shower routine, I noticed pink ducky chillin’ in his bathtub bag. Sad. Angry. Depressed. I scooped him up and said, “hey little man!!! What do you say I make today, YOUR day?”

Three high-fives and a wing-bump later, we were on our way to live life to its fullest. And so….here’s our day….

He drove us to a pancake breakfast where he quickly scoffed one plate after plate after plate of yumminess. He carbo loaded like a master.

After we got home, well fueled pink ducky said, "all right bitches...let's go for a ride!" So the whole family hopped on our bikes and headed out.

Along the way we made a stop cause ducky got wood.

Knowing this would probably be the last time pink ducky ever has a day in the real world, he thought he'd make his mark and let everyone know how he feels about the war.

Worn out, pink ducky ate a quick little snack and setteled in for some TV time and a nap. I took off and took care of some stuff around the house. An hour later I went back to check on everyone and pink ducky was gone. I looked everywhere. Then...I found him.....and was horrified.....

I decided to leave them alone....and let them get done what clearly needed to get done. Lucky ducky.

  Then we headed out for dinner with our good friends, the @momomatic family. It was there that Pink Ducky decided to get his "drink on."

And that wasn't enough.....afterwards he hit the liquor store for more....

Pink ducky didn't just get drunk....he got stupid drunk. He took his clothes off. He streaked a Chuck-E-Cheeze. He got depressed and tried to cut himself open to remove his dead flashy light thingy. He told off-color racist jokes. He even made passes at the wifey. Then...like all good stupid drunk pink duckies do....he got sick.

He puked like he'd never puked before. We all got to experience his Mexican dinner all over again. A couple hours later, we cleaned him all up, laughed about the memories, gave each other hugs, and promised we'd do it again soon. I love that little pink bastard.

After I tucked him in to his cozy warm bubble bath for night time, I cried myself to sleep and dreamt of pink ducky and me running through fields of dazies, laughing, and being free, together, and happy.....

The End