An Open Letter to Santa

Dear Fat Boy:

I’ve been mulling around in my head what to say and/or do to you, my man. I mean…back in the day, when I was a kid, I felt like we were brothers. Like we started some kick-ass fraternity and you were the cool older dude that could grow a beard, pound a beer, and still act all “hey baby…can I help in the kitchen?” when Mrs. Claus rolls on the scene.

Now…well, you’re kind of a little bitch. Last Christmas you gave me socks. Fucking SOCKS! After 146 days of not inhaling, not wearing mirrors on my shoe laces, removing the web cam from the wifey’s dressing area, and even buying her flowers once….I get socks.

And....I’ve taken my kids to see you three times. Two of the three times you got frustrated when I’m all, “hold on – let me get one with my phone for my Twitter peeps!!!” Screw you buddy…people wanna see the boy and girl sitting on your lap. Deal buddy. Actually they don’t. I secretly think they’re just hoping it’s Pink Ducky chillin on those kick-ass red pants of yours.

So listen…can we just start over? You’ve been a prick…I’ve been a bit moody, but underneath it all…I mean, we did at one point kinda have a spark right?

So if we’re cool…here’s what I’d really really love to find under my tree this year… I’m just sayin’…:

1)  I’m gonna need a pause button for the kids. Don’t act like you can’t pull this one off…I’ve seen it on Saved by the Bell…time can be stopped!!! Ask Zack Morris.

2)  Actually this one is more of a warning than a request. Let me catch you putting one…just one Snuggie under a tree and see what happens. I’ll start with Rudolph….think I’m playing? Try me. I’ve been to prison…actually I haven’t, but I watch TV!

3)  Can you bring a dinosaur back to life…just for one day? Damn that would be badass. Come on man…just like have it eat a tree, step on a car, and tear through a building or something cool for me to TwitPic.

4)  Ummm…lean in close on this one, OK? A little closer…(can you please, PLEASE, give the wifey something other than skin colored panties to wear? Dude…come on…you know what I mean…help a brother out…thanks man!)

5)  A job! Please…it’s not much I’m asking for…and you know I love you and didn’t mean to take those pictures of Mrs. Claus and put them on the web. I need work man!!

6)  You remember that whole “water into wine” thing? I mean…this is really supposed to be all about the birth of people’s savor…so ummm…I’ve written this business plan…could you just look it over. That’s it…no strings attached, just check it out and let’s talk.

7)  You know how people obsess over the whiteness of their teeth and how racist that shit really is? Well, I’m right there with you….so screw them…can you just fix this fucking tunnel in-between my two front teeth? Seriously…the older I get the more I whistle when I tell the boy to “stop!”

8)  Seriously…some of the elves haven’t been too pleased with the cutbacks this year….lack of knee pads, cleaning up after deer after “taco night,” stuff like that. Drop a cool “grand” on me and I’ll smooth it all over.

So in conclusion…you’ve been mean to me….but I still love ya, dinosaurs fuckin’ shit up would be awesome, a job, I’ve got the Mrs. on film, and water into wine sounds pretty spectacular right!!!??!

Love,

WhyIsDaddyCrying?

What I Learned From Watching SpongeBob SquarePants

I remember when my son was first born I swore to myself, my wife, and any other poor soul that had ears, that I’d never let my kids watch garbage TV. And SpongeBob SquarePants was always my prime example…..my picture on the picket-sign touting garbage TV as the destroyer of our children’s minds.

Those rants were usually done as I lay sprawled on the couch, with a beer, watching the Family Guy, Simpsons, or Saved by the Bell or what-not. Don’t judge me….Saved by the Bell freakin’ rocked.

Now – I get more excited to watch SpongeBob than my freakin’ kids do. I’m exaggerating, but I will watch it. And in doing so – I’ve learned the most amazing life lessons.

As a gift to you – here are ten of them:

1) Always hang around someone a hell of a lot dumber than you are – it makes you look smart and stuff.

2) Gravity can still kick your ass underwater.

3) All squirrels are born with Texan accents

4) A life of celibacy turns you into a happy-go-lucky, burger flipping idiot

5) Mr. Crabs and Kernel Sanders are the only two jagoffs left on this planet obsessed with their “secret ingredient.”

6) You can cry actual tears underwater.

7) If you remain a closet homosexual you’re whole life you’ll end up angry, bald, alone, big nosed and hating sponges.

8) If your arms fall off, you can simply put them back on—voila!

9) Crabs can asexually give birth to female whales

10) Dubbing over Casablanca, Singing in the Rain, and the Godfather with SpongeBob character’s voices is fucking hilarious.