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« A Glimpse Into The "Woman Bible" | Main | An Open Letter to the Fortune Cookie Writer Dude Person »

A Glimpse Into The "Man Bible"

Many of you wives out there may not know this but there is an actual “A Man’s Guide On How To Act Around Your Wife Behind Closed Doors.”

It’s a ratty, beaten-up old book that’s holding on by a thread. The pages have been taped into place and over 184 varieties of beer can be found stained throughout.

It is THE Bible we all live by and must obey or our balls will drop off for good.

I mean literally fall off.

The reason I’m talking about this is because the ladies need to know. They need to know we have no choice in this matter.

The way we interact with you behind closed doors is not a decision left to on to us.

Let me just toss out there a few examples from the Man Bible.

Page 28, Part C – When walking by your wife stare at only her breasts while saying “Damn…just…just damn those are fine.” If no one is near, feel free to lift your hand cautiously but with urgency to make sure they feel the exact same as they did the last time you walked by her.

Page 36, Part A, Section 2 – Entering the bedroom after a shower whilst only wearing a towel only to find your wife reading a book is one of the most coveted times of a man’s life. One must quickly thank the gods with a double bump to the chest and then spring into action with one of the following moves:

  • The Helicopter – grab the base of your manly bit and begin swinging it around like a helicopter propeller while looking excitedly pleased at the wife.
  • The Pose – shanty on over as close as you can to the wife, lift a leg up on whatever is near, lean down on your knee with your elbow while dropping your towel in one smooth motion. Follow this up with a sly “hey, I uh…gotta a little something for ya there sugar plum.”
  • The Urgent Parent – immediately act as though you both had previously agreed upon a “quicky” and urgently shut the door, drop the towel, grab the lube and head straight for the bed while saying “OK hun, the kids are watching TV so we’ve got about 7.5 minutes to knock this out. Let’s do this!!”
  • The Pool Boy – walk over to the closet, throw on some boots, drop your towel, grab hold of your dangly bit and walk towards the wife whilst uttering, “I uh…found a sturdy hose. You ready for me to give your pool a good scrub-down?”
  • The Ride Em Cowboy – this is purely an old school technique used to visually attract the wife to you. Simply drop the towel, put a huge smile on your face, act like you’re mounting a horse, then with one hand slapping the fictitious horse’s ass and the other holding the fictitious horse’s reigns flail around viciously so that all your sexy attributes are bouncing and slapping to and fro as you scream “yee haw mother fuckers!!” as though you were leading a pack of bad-ass horse-ridin’ cowboys.

Each one of these moves is guaranteed to win her physical affection.

Page 1, Section 1 – Always rip the shower curtain back when the wife is bathing and repeat “You want me to get your backside?”

Page 49, Section 4,528 – Late at night while the wife is watching Hoarders, slip into a pair of her underwear whether you fit in them or not. Then, after sliding on a pair of your fanciest black socks, slowly tip-toe down the stairs. Get a running start and then slide across the floor into your wife’s view and just wait for her amazed and aroused response.

So, that’s all I’ve been sanctioned to share with you ladies. But I hope it’s enough for you to understand that we, by law, MUST do these things or pay the devil his due.

So bear with us. Continue to love us.

And know that we have nothing but your best interest in mind!


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Reader Comments (28)

Thank you so much for this post! It explains why my husband acts like such a strange sex crazed ass at times. :) Apparently he was correct when he said that he had no choice. Phew, good to know.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenn Fox

WAIT! Where is this book? Can you buy it or get it from the library or something?

Is reaching over the seat while I am strapping the kids into their carseats and grabbing my ass part of this too? Because he is a PROFESSIONAL at that.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

HAHAHAHA. This is the perfect way for me to start my morning. Just...brilliant! I laughed so hard!

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

Dude, we need to have a talk. According to Page 1, Section 1, Article 1, Paragraph 1, you are NEVER, EVER to share any of the information included in the Man Bible with a significant other, spouse, domestic partner, lover, or friend with benefits.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPete from

First of all, I was sure that my husband has read this bible. But as it neared the end, I was thankful that I'm pretty sure he hasn't...

How does your wife resist?!

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

Page 1, Section 1 is why I now lock the bathroom door obsessively when I'm showering. I had the life scared out of me WAY too many times by an amorous husband trying to get in the shower with me.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichele

Everything is becoming clear to me now.. glad to know my husband has no choice in the matter, he has to follow the Bible LOL

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJeni

Not sure I needed those mental images so early in the morning....or anytime really!

You are too much. ;-)

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

It's amazing to me you that you haven't been castrated.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

congratulations! i was both thankful that he is actually following a manual of sorts and terrified of what else might be in there.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMonica DeLaCruz

LMAO! The helicopter has made it's way into our bedroom many a times! Great post! Too funny!

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlisa

What if you are sitting on the floor folding laundry and he comes up behind you, fresh from the shower, and just presses against your back? I got that this morning!

LMAO thanks for sharing. Explains a lot.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNolie

There are quite a few "behaviors" that I've copied from the man's bible. My wife just thinks I'm a pain in the ass.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMatty

Dude - you forgot Page 49, Section 4,527 where it mentions that no utterance of wearing your wife's underwear should ever be posted to a web log or "blog."

Then, of course, if the offer of a backside washing in Page 1, Section 1 were ever to be turned down, the "can I wash your frontside?" should be asked . . . and then, should that be turned down, "can I just stand her & masturbate?"

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

you are brilliant

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLLA_Princess (Amy)

The preceding information was a paid public service announcement from the Women are from Venus, Men are from *Mars (by which we mean *Uranus) fund.

It is tragic that in this era of enlightenment, we still must explain these basics to women. But so we must.

Viva the helicopter.

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHogsAteMySister

As I was reading your post I was also seeing out of the corner of my eye your two lovely children. I kept wondering what sort of therapy they would need if they walked in on...say... Page 49, Section 4,528. Thanks for the laugh! I also love that one of the tags for this post is "balls". Ballsy!

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCookie's Mom

its like you're a man or something. So accurate. (checking bedroom for hidden cameras)

June 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana K

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