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Entries in mother nature (2)


A Good Day

So, I had a cheesy moment with my little dude….and I loved it!!!

It’s been snowing like a bitch for the past few days. And since I’m a jobless statistic, I’ve actually enjoyed the snow because I’m not commuting in it.

I wake the kids up saying, “look out the window.”

I shovel it. I slip on it and bust my damn back wide open. I feel manly about it because I can control whether I allow it to rest on my sidewalks or not. And I’m humbled by Mother Nature’s ability to manhandle me despite my repetitive verbal abuse.

Then it hits me….I should totally build one kick-ass snow fort that will be a three month project with the kids.

It’ll melt some. Turn to ice some. Take some bad-ass snowball fighting hits some. But we’ll keep rebuilding, patching, working on it and making sure come spring, it’s still standing during the big-thaw!

And so I did it. And it’s something I should have BEEN doing. But I haven’t.

And, I’m not beating myself up for it. I’m chalking it up to another amazing experience in my time as a stay-at-home jobless-statistic dad.

Then it hits me…I should have been building one kick-ass fort of confidence around myself over the past month. And I should have had a three-month maintenance plan around it. And I haven’t.

I melted some. Took some vicious snowball hits. I cried. I looked in the mirror and walked away in disgust. And at the end of the day, all I'd really done is waste time.

And I wasn’t rebuilding, patching, or working on shit. NOTHING. No-thing.  

Thanks ex-boss, for giving me another amazing moment with my kids I otherwise would have missed.

Thanks ex-boss for making me realize another strength I hold within myself that’s now unleashed.

Thanks ex-boss for stopping my life at what I’ll hold as the most current critical moment in my self-awareness.

Thanks ex-boss…..but don’t get cocky you bastard

I had an amazing phone call yesterday with a job I have a 99% chance of getting. It’s the best Christmas gift I could have gotten. I felt like I’d dropped 300 lbs. I got a piece of ME back. And, there’s still one more very strong potential job out there that I won’t hear about until January.

Nothing’s in stone and it could all crumble. But for now I feel lucky. Fuck that…I feel overwhelmingly fortunate. Only time will tell how it all plays out.

But yesterday was a good day.


I'm A Little Uncomfortable With This!

I was totally thrown out of my element on Friday. Wifey had booked-up my morning by volunteering me to work both my son’s and my daughter’s Halloween classroom parties. Luckily the schools are across the street from each other…unluckily Mother Nature was on the rag that day and decided to unleash a deluge of water all morning long. It was kind of her way of saying – “here…take this you gap-toothed idiot. Yeah…how would you like to be in charge of all weather all the time and get blamed for deaths, and ruining Timmy’s birthday party, or Suzie’s wedding which will ultimately end up in a divorce cause she got caught with her sister’s husband and goat on his birthday….” That woman seriously needs therapy.

So I get to the boy’s classroom and there’s about 28 seven-year-olds sitting around dressed up as race car drivers, princesses, a lion, White Sox player, a Bears player, and…well, I don’t know what the hell this one kid was, but I’m pretty sure I saw him in a porno once.

I’m all, “Hey – I’m Grayson’s dad. My wife volunteered me to help with the party”

“Hi Grayson’s daddy! Everyone – this is Grayson’s daddy. Say hello!”

It took me a second to realize I should quickly switch into “Grayson’s daddy” mode where everyone talks to everyone else like their 7 years old. So I quickly imagined all my conversations being in 1st grade teacher lingo…

“Hey sweet wifey…how was your day pretty little girl.”


“Awesome, give me high fives!! Hey, you wanna juice box and a snack?”

“Fuck you…give me a beer and walk away from me.”

“Uh oh…does someone need a tickle? I think so!!! Someone needs their frown turned upside down!!!”

“Touch me and I’ll cut you!”

Now that I was in the mindset – in comes the ringleader…the classroom volunteer head-mother-in-charge. Dressed in a girl-scout outfit, just to prove she was “in the spirit,” she proceeded to gather her tiny gaggle of parents together to begin informing us of our tasks.

Girl Scout Mom delegated tasks like a fucking general. And when she got to me, “and you…you get the game activity. I brought a small pumpkin. Take it – figure it out. Your station’s over there.”

Now, I’ve led a pretty successful career so far and I’ve prided myself on needing little to no supervision or management. I’m a freakin’ strategy creating and implementing machine. But I was literally stumped. If a tree were placed immediately in front of me just then, I would have spent the next hour walking into it repeatedly while pissing myself.

So the little bastards are split up in four groups of approximately 6 kids each. The first group I get is staring at me. I’m killing time by having them explain what characters they’re dressed as while I fake nod like I’m listening (the wifey knows this nod well) but all the while I’m going through my childhood memories trying to remember a cool game we can play with this damn pumpkin.

Then little Franky says, “are well gonna play hot potato with that pumpkin?”

I was so damn relieved I caught myself just as I was about to scream, “fuck yeah we are!” and high five the little bastard through a wall.

So each group of approximately 6 kids came to my station for a total of 12-minutes each. And during that time, one kid looked at me like I was an idiot cause I didn’t know what Star Wars character he was, another kid clearly has no father at home and insisted on sitting in my lap and rubbing my back making me the most uncomfortable I’ve been since the time I watched Michael Jackson with that kid when….well pretty much anytime he was with a kid….., another girl thought it was the funniest thing in the world to stomp my damn foot, and the most memorable little bastard was the one who thought it was hilarious to cough in my face!

When it was over I returned the bruised and beaten small pumpkin to Girl Scout Mom…thanked her for her leadership…slipped my phone number in her purse….and ran into the pouring rain to the daughter’s classroom party so I could do it all over again.

In the end, I did survive…the kids did have fun…and I did get acknowledgement from the wife that at some point in the very distant future, I would be rewarded with sex for my deeds.