I'm A Little Uncomfortable With This!
Monday, November 2, 2009 at 6:16AM I was totally thrown out of my element on Friday. Wifey had booked-up my morning by volunteering me to work both my son’s and my daughter’s Halloween classroom parties. Luckily the schools are across the street from each other…unluckily Mother Nature was on the rag that day and decided to unleash a deluge of water all morning long. It was kind of her way of saying – “here…take this you gap-toothed idiot. Yeah…how would you like to be in charge of all weather all the time and get blamed for deaths, and ruining Timmy’s birthday party, or Suzie’s wedding which will ultimately end up in a divorce cause she got caught with her sister’s husband and goat on his birthday….” That woman seriously needs therapy.
So I get to the boy’s classroom and there’s about 28 seven-year-olds sitting around dressed up as race car drivers, princesses, a lion, White Sox player, a Bears player, and…well, I don’t know what the hell this one kid was, but I’m pretty sure I saw him in a porno once.
I’m all, “Hey – I’m Grayson’s dad. My wife volunteered me to help with the party”
“Hi Grayson’s daddy! Everyone – this is Grayson’s daddy. Say hello!”
It took me a second to realize I should quickly switch into “Grayson’s daddy” mode where everyone talks to everyone else like their 7 years old. So I quickly imagined all my conversations being in 1st grade teacher lingo…
“Hey sweet wifey…how was your day pretty little girl.”
“Uhh..fine?!”
“Awesome, give me high fives!! Hey, you wanna juice box and a snack?”
“Fuck you…give me a beer and walk away from me.”
“Uh oh…does someone need a tickle? I think so!!! Someone needs their frown turned upside down!!!”
“Touch me and I’ll cut you!”
Now that I was in the mindset – in comes the ringleader…the classroom volunteer head-mother-in-charge. Dressed in a girl-scout outfit, just to prove she was “in the spirit,” she proceeded to gather her tiny gaggle of parents together to begin informing us of our tasks.
Girl Scout Mom delegated tasks like a fucking general. And when she got to me, “and you…you get the game activity. I brought a small pumpkin. Take it – figure it out. Your station’s over there.”
Now, I’ve led a pretty successful career so far and I’ve prided myself on needing little to no supervision or management. I’m a freakin’ strategy creating and implementing machine. But I was literally stumped. If a tree were placed immediately in front of me just then, I would have spent the next hour walking into it repeatedly while pissing myself.
So the little bastards are split up in four groups of approximately 6 kids each. The first group I get is staring at me. I’m killing time by having them explain what characters they’re dressed as while I fake nod like I’m listening (the wifey knows this nod well) but all the while I’m going through my childhood memories trying to remember a cool game we can play with this damn pumpkin.
Then little Franky says, “are well gonna play hot potato with that pumpkin?”
I was so damn relieved I caught myself just as I was about to scream, “fuck yeah we are!” and high five the little bastard through a wall.
So each group of approximately 6 kids came to my station for a total of 12-minutes each. And during that time, one kid looked at me like I was an idiot cause I didn’t know what Star Wars character he was, another kid clearly has no father at home and insisted on sitting in my lap and rubbing my back making me the most uncomfortable I’ve been since the time I watched Michael Jackson with that kid when….well pretty much anytime he was with a kid….., another girl thought it was the funniest thing in the world to stomp my damn foot, and the most memorable little bastard was the one who thought it was hilarious to cough in my face!
When it was over I returned the bruised and beaten small pumpkin to Girl Scout Mom…thanked her for her leadership…slipped my phone number in her purse….and ran into the pouring rain to the daughter’s classroom party so I could do it all over again.
In the end, I did survive…the kids did have fun…and I did get acknowledgement from the wife that at some point in the very distant future, I would be rewarded with sex for my deeds.
Snuggie, dad, girl scout, halloween, kids' party, mother nature, pumpkin, son, volunteer, wife
Reader Comments (14)
My favorite line by far was:
"If a tree were placed immediately in front of me just then, I would have spent the next hour walking into it repeatedly while pissing myself."
You are hilarious! And yes there is always the kid that has to touch you. One in every class!
The miracle is not that you survived but that you maintained your sense of humor enough to blog it into an account that made me laugh on a Monday morning, no small feat! You rock!
hahahahahahah toooo funny.......
Did YOU wear a costume to this elementary school love-fest?
Thanks for the laugh/cry. Gotta go fix my runny mascara eyes now.
You sir are a genius. It never crossed my mind to use small children as a bargaining tool for sex. Brilliant!
She actually expected you to "figure out" that you were playing hot potato with a fucking pumpkin....what a bitch. I really hate people who don't feel it is necessary to explain things. I am happy you survived, and still have a little bit of sanity. Hope you get that reward sex sooner than later after those shenanigans.
Ahhhh, the ever present dangling carrot: sex reward. Good luck with that. It's awesome that woman have this power cause we don't have to do shit and pretty much can have sex anytime we want.
I LOVE working with kids. I remember one time when I went in to school to read with a class of 5yos. One particular kid is a scream; slightly ADHD, reading with him is a bit of a frazzled affair. We'd read 3 - I swear 3!! - words before he suddenly piped up
"Why is your booby showing?"
I'm blessed (well, over-blessed really!) in that department so I immediately looked down to the canyon. I couldn't see anything so just looked at the kid blankly. He proceeded to prod me in the bit of my cleavage that was on display in the V of my t-shirt. Because of the way I was leaning in towards him, there was a bit of movement of the baps into the cutaway part of the shirt. I vowed then and there that whenever I went into school in future, I would ALWAYS have a scarf.
Change my shirts? Hell no sweetheart, I'm not hiding these treasures away completely. A scarf is adequate covering thank you ... as long as it's tablecloth sized :)
Hilarious as always! You kill me. I always look forward to reading your blog.
Ha ha! I'm sitting here wiping the tears from my eyes. That is too hilarious! You are definitely a good sport to do that and be able to laugh about it later. Of course the promised reward is always enough to restore good humour, isn't it ;)
if she didn't fall to her knees when you walked through the door then you had to wait too long. Wow, I go to my daughters school all the time and it is not nearly so amusing. I do have the overly talkative touchy kid as well. However, I am a girl, so if I want to get laid as a reward then I don't have to wait.
Heather - that kid scared me...seriously...for a bit I thought he was placed by some family was setting me up to be sued for child molestation...not cool...not cool at all
Bridgette - I'm pretty sure you're the freakin' rock star here missy. I had to keep a sense of humor, other wise I would have started swinging a wiffelball bat at everyone
Megan - thanks lady!!
Kim - I was going to...but with the rain and the not wanting to really be there...I passed.
toywithme - nooooo - don't do it. I never said that. Damn it I keep dicking over the male population out there...if you're reading..sorry dudes...
MamaBennie - that was pretty wrong of her, but to her defense...she was wearing a pretty hott Girl Scout outfit. I'm just sayin'.....
Venti - every dude knows that and ever dude is angry about that and that's specifically why we die so young...I think..
Jabulani - on behalf of all my blog readers, we'd appreciate it if you'd please post pictures with your comments. That is all. Thanks
kathygee1 - and I always look forward to your kick-ass comments. You rock lady!!
Kat... the wife's not dumb. She knows I'll do anything for that reward.
cjaxon - yeah well I can look at myself in the mirror wearing skimpy underwear whenever I want and I can.....fuck it..never mind....I'm screwed...or not....
"Then little Franky says, “are well gonna play hot potato with that pumpkin?”
I was so damn relieved I caught myself just as I was about to scream, “fuck yeah we are!” and high five the little bastard through a wall."
OMG!!! Ive just cried and pissed myself all in one fall swoop.. HIL-FRIGGIN-LARIOUS!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
You lived one of my nightmares!