If You Blog And Start To Meet People

So today’s post will be based off the ever popular, “If you give a mouse a cookie.”

If you don’t know it, my bad…you’ll catch on pretty quick to the flow. If you do know it…I feel your pain, although, it is a damn good story.

So…here we go:

If You Blog And Start To Meet People

If you blog and start to meet people in your town,

They might learn you’re a complete douchebag.

And if they learn you’re a complete douchebag,

They might look at your wife kind of funny.

If they look at your wife kind of funny,

She might say, “I try but just look at the way he drools!”

And if they look at the way you drool,

They might say, “Awwww….I bet he’s really cute when he’s asleep!?”

And if they think you’re kind of cute when you’re sleeping,

They might also think you don’t pass gas and kick your left leg uncontrollably.

And if they think you have self control they might also think you’re dad of the year,

And if they think you’re dad of the year,

They might nominate you for some fancy award and a ticker-tape parade,

And if shards of paper are falling all around you while people say “dad of the year,”

You might check your medication,

And if you check your medication you’ll notice you’ve over medicated yourself,

And if you’ve over medicated yourself you’ll realize you’ve actually fallen asleep with the paper shredder over your head again,

And if you’re fallen asleep with the paper shredder over your head again,

You might use the scraps to invite people over for drinks,

And if you invite people over for drinks you might start talking too damn much,

And if you start talking too damn much you might spill the beans about your blog,

And if you start to spill the beans about your blog well…

People might start to learn you’re a real douche!!

My 2012 Bucket List

Yesterday I had a guy come up to me and ask, “are you ready for 2012?”

Looking around to make sure someone was witnessing this insanity, I quickly said, “Ummm…yeah, I guess so. I mean, I’ve saved-up a few bucks so I can afford to see the flick.”

“No…the REAL 2012. We’re all gonna die. You know that you will die in 2012, right? We all will. You, your family, your neighbors, all the countries…literally millions will die. Humankind will be nothing but documents and badly done museum exhibitions.”

Then it clicked…you know, I COULD actually take a dirt nap in 2012. Maybe the Mayans had a little something something going on with their magical mystery calendar.

Twenty minutes later my man finished shoving my brain into the depths of depression and allowed me to frantically sit down, digest all that was said, and conclude: “I need a fucking 2012 Bucket List!!!”

So…without further adieu:

Yo…It’s My 2012 Bucket List!

1) I’ve got to spend at least one day wearing adult diapers. I mean come on…those things were engineered by wizards from another world. Un-cloth-like thingies that wrap themselves around your entire torso allowing you to wiz all day long without having to stand, lift lids, or aim for urinal cakes. AND they’re disposable!!

2) Huge fan of the Kinks. I won’t lie. I’d like Jager, a keg, and a karaoke machine rigged to place me on stage in front of 20,000 rowdy friends all singing “Lola” at the top of their lungs.

3) Is there really a place on this planet where you’re asked if you’d “like a happy ending?” I’d love to lie on a massage table just once and be asked “you want happy ending?”

4) Take Sarah Palin on the Maury Show and do a paternity test to reveal who the real “baby daddy” is for Trig. We all know how that’s going to turn out…

5) Drink a beer with Bobcat Goldthwait. But only if he uses his old-school “Police Academy” voice the whole time.

6) Start making love to a Porn Star, then get all Gordon Ramsay on her ass and scream, “it’s like crap, served up with crap, with a side of crap. SHUT IT DOWN!!!”

7) Walk through Grand Central Station singing “come on ride the train…hey ride it! Whoo woo” until I get at least a 100-person train going.

8) Find Erno Rubik (inventor of the Rubik’s Cube) and beat his ass to death with his puzzle.

9) Hear Super Nanny tell me to “get on my naughty step.”

And the final, most amazing feat I’d like to pull off before all human life as we know it rots into this sweet sweet rock in space in 2012…..

10) To go on a shopping spree in Victoria’s Secret with Jennifer Aniston then have her do yoga in front of me while wearing that Cheerleader outfit she wore in that one episode on Friends.

The-to-the-End

Feeling A Bit Nostalgic

So I’m feeling a bit nostalgic.

I loved the job I had in Virginia. I loved its purpose. I loved the people.

There were over 100 employees and I knew them all and they all knew me. From janitorial to the CEO – I was comfortable with them all. And I rocked that fucking job.

But things change as they always do. And, well – my time was up. I needed to move on and I did. I moved to Chicago for the job I held for 18 months before being let go for budget cuts.

And I don’t regret it for a second. I just miss the job, but more importantly—the people.

So – my last day of work they threw me a bash. And some kick-ass folks put together this video documenting some of my stupidity over the past eight years. Some of it’s filled with inside jokes. But in short:

• Yes I met Hal Holbrook and Dixie Carter
• Yes I got to “play” the Easter Bunny on year for a holiday event.
• Yes I met, had a great conversation with, and headed up a major PR event for the great Tony Bennett.
• Yes, I landed us on the front page of the Arts section of the New York Times.
• Yes, I got to learn from the best when it came to marketing and public relations, and later be given the lead in opening a $30 million museum wing—successfully.
• Yes I have a massive head, gap-tooth, and affinity to flash my middle finger at the most inappropriate time.
• Yes, I made some kick-ass amazing friends, colleagues…

And so…a glimpse into a great, significant part of my career and life. I can’t wait to see what lies ahead, and what memories I’ll be making for those future “good luck” videos.

Job Memories from on Vimeo.