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My 2012 Bucket List

Yesterday I had a guy come up to me and ask, “are you ready for 2012?”

Looking around to make sure someone was witnessing this insanity, I quickly said, “Ummm…yeah, I guess so. I mean, I’ve saved-up a few bucks so I can afford to see the flick.”

“No…the REAL 2012. We’re all gonna die. You know that you will die in 2012, right? We all will. You, your family, your neighbors, all the countries…literally millions will die. Humankind will be nothing but documents and badly done museum exhibitions.”

Then it clicked…you know, I COULD actually take a dirt nap in 2012. Maybe the Mayans had a little something something going on with their magical mystery calendar.

Twenty minutes later my man finished shoving my brain into the depths of depression and allowed me to frantically sit down, digest all that was said, and conclude: “I need a fucking 2012 Bucket List!!!”

So…without further adieu:

Yo…It’s My 2012 Bucket List!

1) I’ve got to spend at least one day wearing adult diapers. I mean come on…those things were engineered by wizards from another world. Un-cloth-like thingies that wrap themselves around your entire torso allowing you to wiz all day long without having to stand, lift lids, or aim for urinal cakes. AND they’re disposable!!

2) Huge fan of the Kinks. I won’t lie. I’d like Jager, a keg, and a karaoke machine rigged to place me on stage in front of 20,000 rowdy friends all singing “Lola” at the top of their lungs.

3) Is there really a place on this planet where you’re asked if you’d “like a happy ending?” I’d love to lie on a massage table just once and be asked “you want happy ending?”

4) Take Sarah Palin on the Maury Show and do a paternity test to reveal who the real “baby daddy” is for Trig. We all know how that’s going to turn out…

5) Drink a beer with Bobcat Goldthwait. But only if he uses his old-school “Police Academy” voice the whole time.

6) Start making love to a Porn Star, then get all Gordon Ramsay on her ass and scream, “it’s like crap, served up with crap, with a side of crap. SHUT IT DOWN!!!”

7) Walk through Grand Central Station singing “come on ride the train…hey ride it! Whoo woo” until I get at least a 100-person train going.

8) Find Erno Rubik (inventor of the Rubik’s Cube) and beat his ass to death with his puzzle.

9) Hear Super Nanny tell me to “get on my naughty step.”

And the final, most amazing feat I’d like to pull off before all human life as we know it rots into this sweet sweet rock in space in 2012…..

10) To go on a shopping spree in Victoria’s Secret with Jennifer Aniston then have her do yoga in front of me while wearing that Cheerleader outfit she wore in that one episode on Friends.



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Reader Comments (12)

It's scary how your brain works.

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEverrose

This is brilliant. I needed a good laugh this morning. Thanks. Passing your post along now. :)

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@MeganMonique

Just to add on to your already depressed mood and throw you right into despair mode, I suggest you watch the documentary called "The Age of Stupid". Yeah, you won't want to get up the next day. You're welcome!

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVirginia

When you are ready to get that train thingy going, let me know. I totes wanna be there for that shit!

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

Does the bucket list have to be done in the order written. Let's face it, if you did #10 first (notice, I didn't say did Jennifer Aniston) then surely you wouldn't care too much about other 9!

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSteve

Thank you very much for inserting that song into my brain. Really. I mean it. Thank you.

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (GoodByeGracie)

I want to witness #7, or at least YouTube that shit so we can all see. Dying, totally dying from laughter.

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDiane Faye Zerr

Very interesting...Did he give you any dates? I mean we have a whole 365 days to work with here. Looks like you only have a short time to get this list in order...according to my calculations there are only 522 days until the 1st of 2012.

In reaching completion of your bucket list might I recommend you keep a photolog? Especially the one where you complete #10.

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDadStreet

I was just in Peru and was asked several times each day if I wanted a "happy ending massage." Just sayin...

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMatt

I would be happy with #10. Although, I would have to keep screaming at her "stop making eye contact with me, I can't concentrate!"

July 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Can I please copy and paste your list and use it as mine? Although I do have to say that I am a bit disappointed that our discussion of a three way while hot dog and Old Style vendors circle us hawking their wares didn't make your list. That would have been some cool shit. Maybe we could incorporate Jennifer Aniston (pre-yoga of course) in that fantasy. What do you think?

July 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. Reed

I am so there for # 7......

August 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterbeyotch

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