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Doomsday? Tomorrow's Not Convenient For Me

So apparently tomorrow as each time zone reaches 6 p.m. the end of the world as we know it will come crashing down.

I was driving in my car when I first heard about this impending doom. I was listening to NPR when the story came on.

This guy they interviewed was 110% confident that as each time zone reached 6 p.m. it would start to experience horrific earth quakes which would soon be followed by the skies filling with the “believers” as they ascended into the heavens while the rest of us douches were left to live “hell on earth.”

When the story ended I was still driving. A drop of sweat trickled down my forehead to my eyebrow before falling from my face and landing on my crotch making it look like I had a pee stain on my pants.

My heart was racing ever so slightly like when you’re taking a shower and the wife walks in and for a split second you believe it’s because she’s going to hop in there with you.

And a tiny bit of fear crawled down my spine the same way it did the first time I overheard my parents having sex.

Logically I knew this all couldn’t be true.

Was there really some elaborate code weaved throughout the words of the Bible telling people that on May 21, 2011 the earth was gonna crack like an egg, morph into hell and launch the good souls into the air like bottle rockets?

And why 6 p.m.? Because they wanted to piss-off the people left behind by interrupting their dinners, drinking, and trash TV with lava flows and death?

And what about people that are flying in airplanes? Or the space shuttle docked at the space station right now? Did they manage to find some cosmic loophole? Does that mean they just get a free pass?

And the logistics of all this is really driving me bat-shit.

What if you’re a good soul but happen to be in your basement? Do you get pulled through two floors of wood, beams, roof, tile and all the stuff in your house on your journey to heaven?

Or does your soul just leave your body and rise leaving your flesh and bones to simply collapse to the ground?

Cause that would be freaky as hell if you happen to be standing around a whole group of people who are good souls.

And what if you’re masturbating and your soul rises from your body leaving your corpse naked, vulnerable, and unsatisfied only to be found by your wife….or mom?

What if “become a believer and one with the lord” was on your Bucket List but you just haven’t gotten to it yet? Do I get a free pass?

I guess only time will tell.

I’m sure I’ll be a little on edge that afternoon like I was on New Year’s Eve 1999.

But logic has me confident it’ll be just another day of chasing the nippers, checking out the wife’s attributes, quoting the Honey Badger video, and showing the neighbors my favorite lawn dances like “the sprinkler” and “the shopping cart.”

I guess the only way I’m ever going to buy-in to the doomsday thing and really start to panic is if an announcement is made that Dick Cheney would like to address the world at 6:30 p.m. on the 21st.

Then I’ll know I’m fucked.



My 2012 Bucket List

Yesterday I had a guy come up to me and ask, “are you ready for 2012?”

Looking around to make sure someone was witnessing this insanity, I quickly said, “Ummm…yeah, I guess so. I mean, I’ve saved-up a few bucks so I can afford to see the flick.”

“No…the REAL 2012. We’re all gonna die. You know that you will die in 2012, right? We all will. You, your family, your neighbors, all the countries…literally millions will die. Humankind will be nothing but documents and badly done museum exhibitions.”

Then it clicked…you know, I COULD actually take a dirt nap in 2012. Maybe the Mayans had a little something something going on with their magical mystery calendar.

Twenty minutes later my man finished shoving my brain into the depths of depression and allowed me to frantically sit down, digest all that was said, and conclude: “I need a fucking 2012 Bucket List!!!”

So…without further adieu:

Yo…It’s My 2012 Bucket List!

1) I’ve got to spend at least one day wearing adult diapers. I mean come on…those things were engineered by wizards from another world. Un-cloth-like thingies that wrap themselves around your entire torso allowing you to wiz all day long without having to stand, lift lids, or aim for urinal cakes. AND they’re disposable!!

2) Huge fan of the Kinks. I won’t lie. I’d like Jager, a keg, and a karaoke machine rigged to place me on stage in front of 20,000 rowdy friends all singing “Lola” at the top of their lungs.

3) Is there really a place on this planet where you’re asked if you’d “like a happy ending?” I’d love to lie on a massage table just once and be asked “you want happy ending?”

4) Take Sarah Palin on the Maury Show and do a paternity test to reveal who the real “baby daddy” is for Trig. We all know how that’s going to turn out…

5) Drink a beer with Bobcat Goldthwait. But only if he uses his old-school “Police Academy” voice the whole time.

6) Start making love to a Porn Star, then get all Gordon Ramsay on her ass and scream, “it’s like crap, served up with crap, with a side of crap. SHUT IT DOWN!!!”

7) Walk through Grand Central Station singing “come on ride the train…hey ride it! Whoo woo” until I get at least a 100-person train going.

8) Find Erno Rubik (inventor of the Rubik’s Cube) and beat his ass to death with his puzzle.

9) Hear Super Nanny tell me to “get on my naughty step.”

And the final, most amazing feat I’d like to pull off before all human life as we know it rots into this sweet sweet rock in space in 2012…..

10) To go on a shopping spree in Victoria’s Secret with Jennifer Aniston then have her do yoga in front of me while wearing that Cheerleader outfit she wore in that one episode on Friends.