Chilean Hamster Ductwork Rescue 2011

Yesterday morning I went down to the wife’s at-home office in the basement to throw some “we should totally hook-up when both kids are at school today” vibes around. That’s when I heard it.

THUMP!

Me: “What the hell was that?”

Wife: “I don’t know. The furnace has been doing that all morning.”

Me: “Ummm…you know that’s not normal right.”

Wife: “Maybe an animal’s stuck in there, I don’t know.”

I went back up to my at-home office, put the headphones on and kept cranking on work. The thought did cross my mind that maybe the hamster go out….again.

For those who don’t know, the wife has managed to bring into the house a hamster, a fish, a cat, and a dog. Although I blame her publicly, I know deep down that the zoo environment I live in is a direct result of me not being man-enough to just say “no!!!!”

An hour after hitting on the wife I take my headphones off for a call. The call ends and that’s when I hear it.

THUMP! SCRATCH…..SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH

I stand, grab my cell phone, make the slow walk up to the boy’s room and find this:

Immediately I pic text this picture to the wife in the basement. A minute later we’re holding flash lights and listening to our damn ductwork trying to figure out exactly where the little furry bastard is.

That’s when we found him…in the basement, at the rock-bottom part of the ductwork right next to the filter where it connects to the furnace that has been running all day cause it was -5 outside.

And the wanna-be-rat-bastard was alive!! I mean…here’s the trip this furry guy made from the second story of our house.

He was up on a shelf, fell to a dresser, then to the floor.

Then he crawled his ass into this vent on the second floor of our house.

And fell his way through multiple ductwork chambers to the first floor, then to the basement here.

And there…he was stuck, surrounded by metal, receiving the blunt of air from the furnace, trying like hell to find freedom.

So…the wife and I embarked on an epic journey to save the little bastard despite the fact we’d both be “happier” with one less animal.

PLAN A

I thought I’d get all MacGyver on his ass and use the kids’ DS charger cord wrapped around a measuring cup to scoop his ass up.

FAIL: The measuring cup was too large to fit in the hole. (That’s what she said.)

PLAN B

Drop a large rope into the hole in the hopes the furry bastard would climb to his freedom.

FAIL: He just chewed on the end of it like a douche to try and find materials to make a nest for his new Chilean Hamster Deathtrap Home.

Right about here is where I was being all supportive and stuff to the wifey’s effort and got… “The Look.” Ok…I got half, “The Look”…but it still hurt.

Saving The Chilean Hamster & "The Look" from WhyIsDaddyCrying on Vimeo.

PLAN C

Holy shit…we still have fake Christmas garland sitting right here!! Let’s drop it in as a “Ladder of Hope” for the little bastard to climb!!!

FAIL: I have no idea what in the hell he was doing to it, but there was tons of noise and the garland may now be pregnant.

PLAN D

Drop a small cup filled with peanut butter and carrots into the Chilean Hamster Deathtrap until he climbs in then hoist him up.

SUCCESS!!!!

Here, take a look!

Chilean Hamster Rescue Mission 2011 from WhyIsDaddyCrying on Vimeo.

Teddy was saved. Although from the repeated falls that little dude made, I’m not quite sure how long he has to live in this world. We’ll be keeping an eye on him.

The wife? She was just glad the entire episode happened while the kids were at school.

Me? Well…how would you feel after spending a long-shot-possible-afternoon-sex-time fishing a damn hamster-out-of-ductwork day?

Top 10 Things Chilean Miners Will Be Faced With

For two months 33 Chilean miners have been trapped since a mine collapse.

It’s just damn sad. To think of husbands, fathers, human beings trapped that far underground for so long.

Regardless, it’s a testament to human-strength as they fight through a blip in their life so they can come to the surface and continue on.

But despite all that, I’m left wondering what they have to face when they finally breech the Earth’s surface?

So, I’ve come-up with a quick top 10 things the Chilean Miners will have to deal with when they reach the Earth’s surface:

1) TMZ reporters immediately throw before and after photos of the miners on the web claiming, “ummm, clearly the Chilean diet is a fad, those sons-of-bitches have loose skin, saggy faces, and clearly looked stressed.”

2) US Republicans blame Obama and the Democrats for it taking too long save them.

3) New York Governor Republican Nominee Carl Paladino accidentally confuses the rescue as an anti-gay headquarters ribbon cutting and snips the line to the rescue elevator with a large pair of golden scissors.

4) Couldn’t have been said better than by @ieatmykidzsnack on Twitter, claiming “I can't wait for the first miner with both a wife & mistress waiting for him to come up, see them & be like, ‘Umm lower me down. I'm good.’

5) Interpretations of cave drawings left by the “cool miners” picking on the “douche miners.”

6) Paying property taxes for the additional land they lived on for three months.

7) Being judges of “Buried Alive” the new hit TV show where they burry your asses alive for three months, watch you, sell advertising, talk shit about you, and then give the remaining survivor $1,000.

8) One of the miners writing the “tell-all” about the joint masturbation-station where they “relieved” themselves to crude sketches on the wall.

9) Miners immediately killing themselves when finding out Justin Beaver (yes, I know!!! It’s Beiber, but shit I love calling him Beaver) is still on the music charts.

10) Their kids are wearing sex bracelets and they just think Madonna has made a comeback.

It’s a sad story. But it’s an amazing rescue effort. And, for the first time, it’s damn amazing to see such terrific coverage of something so positive.

Welcome back to the surface Miners!