Yesterday morning I went down to the wife’s at-home office in the basement to throw some “we should totally hook-up when both kids are at school today” vibes around. That’s when I heard it.
Me: “What the hell was that?”
Wife: “I don’t know. The furnace has been doing that all morning.”
Me: “Ummm…you know that’s not normal right.”
Wife: “Maybe an animal’s stuck in there, I don’t know.”
I went back up to my at-home office, put the headphones on and kept cranking on work. The thought did cross my mind that maybe the hamster go out….again.
For those who don’t know, the wife has managed to bring into the house a hamster, a fish, a cat, and a dog. Although I blame her publicly, I know deep down that the zoo environment I live in is a direct result of me not being man-enough to just say “no!!!!”
An hour after hitting on the wife I take my headphones off for a call. The call ends and that’s when I hear it.
THUMP! SCRATCH…..SCRATCH, SCRATCH, SCRATCH
I stand, grab my cell phone, make the slow walk up to the boy’s room and find this:
Immediately I pic text this picture to the wife in the basement. A minute later we’re holding flash lights and listening to our damn ductwork trying to figure out exactly where the little furry bastard is.
That’s when we found him…in the basement, at the rock-bottom part of the ductwork right next to the filter where it connects to the furnace that has been running all day cause it was -5 outside.
And the wanna-be-rat-bastard was alive!! I mean…here’s the trip this furry guy made from the second story of our house.
He was up on a shelf, fell to a dresser, then to the floor.
Then he crawled his ass into this vent on the second floor of our house.
And fell his way through multiple ductwork chambers to the first floor, then to the basement here.
And there…he was stuck, surrounded by metal, receiving the blunt of air from the furnace, trying like hell to find freedom.
So…the wife and I embarked on an epic journey to save the little bastard despite the fact we’d both be “happier” with one less animal.
I thought I’d get all MacGyver on his ass and use the kids’ DS charger cord wrapped around a measuring cup to scoop his ass up.
FAIL: The measuring cup was too large to fit in the hole. (That’s what she said.)
Drop a large rope into the hole in the hopes the furry bastard would climb to his freedom.
FAIL: He just chewed on the end of it like a douche to try and find materials to make a nest for his new Chilean Hamster Deathtrap Home.
Right about here is where I was being all supportive and stuff to the wifey’s effort and got… “The Look.” Ok…I got half, “The Look”…but it still hurt.
Holy shit…we still have fake Christmas garland sitting right here!! Let’s drop it in as a “Ladder of Hope” for the little bastard to climb!!!
FAIL: I have no idea what in the hell he was doing to it, but there was tons of noise and the garland may now be pregnant.
Drop a small cup filled with peanut butter and carrots into the Chilean Hamster Deathtrap until he climbs in then hoist him up.
Here, take a look!
Teddy was saved. Although from the repeated falls that little dude made, I’m not quite sure how long he has to live in this world. We’ll be keeping an eye on him.
The wife? She was just glad the entire episode happened while the kids were at school.
Me? Well…how would you feel after spending a long-shot-possible-afternoon-sex-time fishing a damn hamster-out-of-ductwork day?