Top 10 Things Chilean Miners Will Be Faced With

For two months 33 Chilean miners have been trapped since a mine collapse.

It’s just damn sad. To think of husbands, fathers, human beings trapped that far underground for so long.

Regardless, it’s a testament to human-strength as they fight through a blip in their life so they can come to the surface and continue on.

But despite all that, I’m left wondering what they have to face when they finally breech the Earth’s surface?

So, I’ve come-up with a quick top 10 things the Chilean Miners will have to deal with when they reach the Earth’s surface:

1) TMZ reporters immediately throw before and after photos of the miners on the web claiming, “ummm, clearly the Chilean diet is a fad, those sons-of-bitches have loose skin, saggy faces, and clearly looked stressed.”

2) US Republicans blame Obama and the Democrats for it taking too long save them.

3) New York Governor Republican Nominee Carl Paladino accidentally confuses the rescue as an anti-gay headquarters ribbon cutting and snips the line to the rescue elevator with a large pair of golden scissors.

4) Couldn’t have been said better than by @ieatmykidzsnack on Twitter, claiming “I can't wait for the first miner with both a wife & mistress waiting for him to come up, see them & be like, ‘Umm lower me down. I'm good.’

5) Interpretations of cave drawings left by the “cool miners” picking on the “douche miners.”

6) Paying property taxes for the additional land they lived on for three months.

7) Being judges of “Buried Alive” the new hit TV show where they burry your asses alive for three months, watch you, sell advertising, talk shit about you, and then give the remaining survivor $1,000.

8) One of the miners writing the “tell-all” about the joint masturbation-station where they “relieved” themselves to crude sketches on the wall.

9) Miners immediately killing themselves when finding out Justin Beaver (yes, I know!!! It’s Beiber, but shit I love calling him Beaver) is still on the music charts.

10) Their kids are wearing sex bracelets and they just think Madonna has made a comeback.

It’s a sad story. But it’s an amazing rescue effort. And, for the first time, it’s damn amazing to see such terrific coverage of something so positive.

Welcome back to the surface Miners!

Giving In to the Silly Bandz

Silly Bandz. Seriously….they’re killing me.

I was talking to a friend a few weeks ago when she mentioned these damn things. I was all, “what? Silly What? You’re stupid…you just live in a high-class hoitie toitie area where stupid trendy crap like that rules all.”

Two weeks later my kids come home from school, each wearing little rubber band looking things around their wrists.

My immediate reaction was, “Honey!!!! Did you have the kids listening to Madonna again!!”

But then they took them off and I saw they weren’t the beloved jelly bracelets of my childhood, instead they were in the shapes of cars, robots, and dinosaurs.

I’ll admit it, I fought the kids wearing those them initially. I was all, “I don’t understand why you kids wear those things!! They don’t do anything but just look silly on your arm!!”

Then the boy chimed in, “daddy…they are called ‘silly bandz.’”

Then, like the reflection of one’s life a mere seconds before it’s taken from them, I remembered the Madonna jellies, the Converse Chucks, Jams, Ocean Pacific shirts, Garfield lunch boxes, Inspector Gadget yogurts, and listening to the Beastie Boys full notch through a boom box resting cool-like on my shoulder as I walked down the street.

I can drop a cool $5 on worthless pieces of crap “Bandz” that help create memories for my kids as they blunder their way through childhood. And I look forward to the day when I happen to overhear them at the age of 30 talking with friends having the same conversations we’re having now….

“Yeah…and what about the socks with the different colors stripes at the top, and the Izod shirts, Bon Jovi, and when Guns-N-Roses re-did Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.”

Just simple mile markers along the journey to adulthood….