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Tuesday
Jun282011

Bacon

So, yesterday I got to have a daddy/daughter day.

To kick it off I did what any self-respecting father would do.

I made bacon.

And we ate it…and life was good.

It then got me thinking. Bacon really is such a unique, diverse, and satisfying food.

It can be served with just about any other edible combination – peanut butter, strawberries, honey, and…well…..bacon.

Then it got me thinking even further about how bacon could change...well, the world!

1) Served before every business meeting:

Manager: “Before Bob begins his report, would anyone like some bacon?”

2) Excellent in hostage situations:

Hostage Negotiator: “That’s right, just let 10 more hostages go and we’ll deliver four crispy and warm slices of bacon.”

3) Premature ejaculation?

Husband “I’m sorry honey that never happens to me. Come on...don’t be mad. Hey, guess what? Who has two thumbs and a plate of bacon for his special girl? This guy!!!”

4)      Making oral sex much more appealing to the wife:

Frank: “Hey hun, I ummm…I was thinking maybe tonight I could ummm…you know…like, get a little oral or something?

Wife: “Jesus Frank!!! Is that all you think about, huh? My mouth going down on you? Damn it!!”

Frank: “I wrapped it in bacon!”

Wife: “Let’s do this!!!”

5) Wrapping paper for shitty presents: (overheard at the wedding)

Guy #1 “Hey? Who’s the jagoff that re-gifted the picture of his grandmother holding a poodle with ‘You’re My Favorite Grandson’ shaved in its fur framed in a Kenny G.-singing frame?”

Guy #2 “Who gives a fuck? It’s wrapped in bacon dude! I’m stealin’ it!”

6) Tricking the kids into taking vitamins.

Mother: “Oh look Timmy! Someone left a bacon ball sitting on the counter. Guess I’ll have to eat it.”

Timmy: (Grabbing for his shank attached to his ankle) “Back the fuck off…I’ll cut you ma… Don’t touch my bacon ball. That’s right…walk away…don’t even look at it…keep walking…”

7) To keep from having to talk to the Mother-In-Law:

Step 1: Cook 23.4 lbs of bacon in flat strips.

Step 2: Spent 89 drunkin’ hours sewing said 23.4 lbs of bacon into a size 38 coat.

Step 3: When mother-in-law arrives and starts digging into every inch of your life invite her to go for a walk. Before leaving, slip on the coveted bacon jacket. As you walk down the street, Nature will slowly begin to attack you with louder and more viciousness by the second forcing you to retreat back to the house and retire for the night in your bedroom in a fit of trauma next to the stocked cooler you’ve managed to previously hide under the bed.

I strongly support everyone trying all of these and more. In fact, you should comment and let me know how bacon has forever changed your life!

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Reader Comments (12)

You had me at bacon.

Seriously, these are all brilliant ideas. I don't see how any of them could go wrong.

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusan

Knowing my husband like I do, I can NEVER show him this... He would use # 4 to his advantage...

on the other hand...........

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRegina

Though one must beware of Midwestern In-laws who think it is necessary to put Crisco in the pan BEFORE putting the bacon in.

And my Dad SO should have used #6 when we were kids... perhaps I would not have turned out quite so pale...

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTeresa

All excellent uses for bacon. However, I have another given to me by a good friend of mine. A bacon quilt...not only will it keep you warm, but if you wake up in the middle of the night and are hungry you can have a quick snack and go right back to sleep.

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

Dude, I'm SO trying #4!!!

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

OK, I like #5 and #6. Hubby doesn't need to wrap anything in bacon for me...if ya know what I mean...boom chicka wow wow! xo

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSamantha Gluck

My husband have offered to do #4 repeatedly. So far, I have been strong.

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

I am the president of Jews For Bacon. We just mainly sit around wearing & eating bacon.

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

I thought you were a vegetarian ??!

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercaptainteacake

I'm going to recommend you sit down for this. Your reality with be forever changed. Have you tried. Chocolate. Covered. Bacon? You must. The world's most perfect food. Namaste.

June 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKara

You are a disturbed man. And we all love you for it.

June 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

Will definitly be using number 6 !

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