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« I Answer 20 Questions About Myself | Main | Working From Home Makes Me Stabby »

True Confessions You Never Wanted To Know About Me

I’ve been a little pint-up over the past few days.

Recently I’ve felt like a kitten chasing a red laser dot all over the house, slamming into walls, and frustrating myself until I pass out in a sleepy ball just steps away from where I messed the floor.

Maybe I’m just starting my period a few days early.

Or maybe I’m hitting my mid-life crisis at a really inconvenient time in life.

It could be all this stress of the impending date-dodging rapture. I brace for May 21….now I’m clenched for October 21….or maybe Baby Jesus conspired with the Mayans and now we have to wait till 2012?

It’s freakin’ exhausting.

So, I took all my clothes off, walked out into the harsh thunder and lightning last night, threw my face towards the dark skies above and waited for an answer.

And that’s when it hit me. I need to unburden myself of needless, brain and conscience-consuming matter.

I need to confess!!

I need to turn my blog into a creepy, dark, wooden, confessional booth with you lucky readers on the other side of that screen that doesn’t hide you from seeing the other person.

So, grab a stiff drink and you’re favorite blanky cause you’ll need it. I give you:

10 Things You Really Don’t Care Or Want To Know About Me But That Are Going To Make Me Feel Less Like I’m Stuck In A Dark Closet With A Zombie Clown Eating My Brain And Juggling My Sanity

1) I masturbated in a public library. It’s true. I got a D one year in a class, so my father decided to drop me off at the local library every day after school for three hours to study. I used my time wisely one day by finding a special place where I could “interrogate the suspect.”

2) I vandalized my own car when I was 16. I finished drinking a 40oz of Old English and threw it out the car window….only the car window was still up. I quickly grabbed some of the glass, threw it on the passenger seat, and found a good sized rock and tossed it on the seat. The next morning I was all, “holy shit someone threw a rock through my car window!!”

3) I used to blow my nose in my sheets. It was before I was a teenager, but old enough to know better. But yeah….there’s not really anything more I can say about that one…except….sorry mom.

4) Five years ago when I lived in Virginia I was on a 8-mile run early one morning when my colon let me know I had exactly 1 minute to drop trow and unleash the fury. I had no choice. I pooed on someone’s front yard as I leaned my back against a tree and tried to cover it up with the dirty leaves I used post-explosion.

5) My mom caught me masturbating. Oh yeah…I already wrote about that one.

6) In eighth grade I carved my girlfriend’s initials into my arm (very tiny.) My parents found it and you would have thought they found me shooting heroin while having sex with my grandmother and feeding a baby bourbon. Actually, now that I’m a parent I’m pretty sure I’d freak-the-hell-out too.

7) When I was volunteering as a tour-guide one day at a historic home, I had to poop extremely badly. And so I did. In the historic bathroom. Minutes before I had to tour 25 people through the house and the newly soiled bathroom. I blamed the smell on the fact the bathroom used well water. No one believed me. I still have nightmares about that day…and I’m sure they do too.

8) The very first concert I ever saw was Paula Abdul. Just saying that makes me want to throw myself in front of an ice cream truck. It’s true. But I did it for my girlfriend at the time because I was weak and hoping that she’d let me touch her boobie through her shirt. She didn’t.

9) In eighth grade I came to school with no underwear on and wearing a very short pair of Umbros. Don’t ask why…I was a teenager  in the late 80s damn it! Anyway, my decrepit 80-year-old teacher took me in the hallway and told me “you’re going to have to keep your legs closed the rest of the day. I can see your personal area. And I’m sending a note home with you for your parents about it.” The note never made it home.

10) I Favred my wife two years ago and she almost divorced me. I was living alone in Chicago while she was in Virginia with the kids waiting for our house to sell. So, thinking the wife probably longed for a pic of my man-part, I took a picture of it and pic texted it to the wife. Eagerly I waited for a return pic text. Instead, I got a call…from the wife…threatening to divorce me if I ever did that again. So…I did.

OK…that should be enough to lighten my load for at least a few hours.

Thanks for letting me vent and if you’re a psychiatrist and want to give me free session, my email’s on this blog page.


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Reader Comments (17)

Le sigh. Why does none of that really surprise me??

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterWanda

I once caught my parents in the act. Then another time I was looking for porn and found a tape of them. I've seen more parent sex than a dude should even think about. However, I never cranked it in a library. That's new!

There's more, but I can't bring myself to share.

Oh ok..stink finger in the back seat while dad drove me and the GF home. Repeatedly. I was too young to drive. How he didn't figure it out, I'll never know.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDan Moyle

I really have to learn to suppress that stupid sense of curiosity. My day is NOT going to be well with these horrors bouncing in my head. :-/

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@timrs2001

Oh, by, oh boy, oh boy...I half-expected the poop and masturbation topics. And not to sound like the shrink that I am (LCSW, actually), but I'd say you have a healthy ego and strong coping skills when life throws you under the psychological bus...As I always say in session, humor should be part of any intervention...

Love the honesty, love the creativity. Your teachers must be so (secretly) proud:).

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

I believe you're part bonobo monkey. I want to thank you for making me not want to eat breakfast. Asshole.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

None of this surprises me in the least, but thank you for a good hearty laugh to start my day. I have to take D to the Dr. for her check-up...2 kids and me in a tiny room. Should be interesting.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

1. Funny, and too closely resembles my life. B. I think it's funny the ads that show up on the side of this post for me are:
Ads by Google
Divorce Forms
Fast Divorce
File Divorce
Divorce Advice
Divorce Papers

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@dadandblog

I feel sorry for your wife!! LMFAO!!!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMichele O (icymae)

Oh My this is quite the list. I wish my husband would text me some know on Thursdays when we do shots at the bus stop I would bust open the phone and show/brag about my hubby's package....

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPage

*Eye roll* and *head shake*. You kill me.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

Wow!! Now I am really going to pay attention to my sons...the oldest in particular

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKrystal

I am dying over #4! DYING!

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLeigh Ann

You have a lot of poop secrets. I do too, but I'm not man enough to share them.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBridget

Oh help me. I made it up to #4 and had to stop on account of LAUGHING TOO HARD.

I was having a bad day and this cheered me up. Gonna save the rest for laters. Thanks dude.

May 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Animated Woman

omg. hilarious. checked you out and now am adding you to my roll. definitely could use this kind of laugh daily.

May 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMonica DeLaCruz

LMAO! My friend told me about your blog - so glad I dropped in - absolutely hilarious!!! I'm glad I could be here to hear the confessions. I hope you're in a more sane place now, cuz clowns are scary!

June 2, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJae

Hilarious....had to try hard not to bust out laughing at work in my very quite office of cubicles.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpreggocomplains

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