Doomsday? Tomorrow's Not Convenient For Me
Friday, May 20, 2011 at 6:34AM So apparently tomorrow as each time zone reaches 6 p.m. the end of the world as we know it will come crashing down.
I was driving in my car when I first heard about this impending doom. I was listening to NPR when the story came on.
This guy they interviewed was 110% confident that as each time zone reached 6 p.m. it would start to experience horrific earth quakes which would soon be followed by the skies filling with the “believers” as they ascended into the heavens while the rest of us douches were left to live “hell on earth.”
When the story ended I was still driving. A drop of sweat trickled down my forehead to my eyebrow before falling from my face and landing on my crotch making it look like I had a pee stain on my pants.
My heart was racing ever so slightly like when you’re taking a shower and the wife walks in and for a split second you believe it’s because she’s going to hop in there with you.
And a tiny bit of fear crawled down my spine the same way it did the first time I overheard my parents having sex.
Logically I knew this all couldn’t be true.
Was there really some elaborate code weaved throughout the words of the Bible telling people that on May 21, 2011 the earth was gonna crack like an egg, morph into hell and launch the good souls into the air like bottle rockets?
And why 6 p.m.? Because they wanted to piss-off the people left behind by interrupting their dinners, drinking, and trash TV with lava flows and death?
And what about people that are flying in airplanes? Or the space shuttle docked at the space station right now? Did they manage to find some cosmic loophole? Does that mean they just get a free pass?
And the logistics of all this is really driving me bat-shit.
What if you’re a good soul but happen to be in your basement? Do you get pulled through two floors of wood, beams, roof, tile and all the stuff in your house on your journey to heaven?
Or does your soul just leave your body and rise leaving your flesh and bones to simply collapse to the ground?
Cause that would be freaky as hell if you happen to be standing around a whole group of people who are good souls.
And what if you’re masturbating and your soul rises from your body leaving your corpse naked, vulnerable, and unsatisfied only to be found by your wife….or mom?
What if “become a believer and one with the lord” was on your Bucket List but you just haven’t gotten to it yet? Do I get a free pass?
I guess only time will tell.
I’m sure I’ll be a little on edge that afternoon like I was on New Year’s Eve 1999.
But logic has me confident it’ll be just another day of chasing the nippers, checking out the wife’s attributes, quoting the Honey Badger video, and showing the neighbors my favorite lawn dances like “the sprinkler” and “the shopping cart.”
I guess the only way I’m ever going to buy-in to the doomsday thing and really start to panic is if an announcement is made that Dick Cheney would like to address the world at 6:30 p.m. on the 21st.
Then I’ll know I’m fucked.
Dick Cheney, bucket list, crotch, doomsday. bible, heaven, lawn dances, souls
Reader Comments (8)
Hey it's GreatWithoutGod from twitter - just wanted to say that you are really fucking funny! I love reading you!
Nice job daddy. LOVED.
The Honey Badger wouldn't give a shit about the Rapture.
Just Sayin'.
Cant they wait till August?? I've got plans man!!!
First, I love the idea of a roaming apocalypse. Like a wave of destruction that needs to stop & wait because India doesn't have daylight savings time.
And I never thought about the people on the space shuttle. I mean, they're especially fucked. Everyone who is on the earth is going to be destroyed in a timely fashion - but without anybody around to guide the space shuttle back in, they're dealing with a slow & painful death.
God apparently hates astronauts.
Is there any video here on your blog or on YouTube of you doing "the sprinkler" or "the shopping cart"? I would love to see that!
Garfunkel, as in Simon & Garfunkel, did a song on an album called 'Do spacemen really past dead souls on the way to the moon', have album on vinyl (where’s that turntable, where's that album?)YouTube has a video (really stills with auto) of this. Wouldn’t the people in other time zones have (at least) about 60 minutes to repent ‘cause they would hear about what was happening in time zone zero? It would really suck to be in that first time zone. If we are all still here Saturday night, I’ll be reading your blog again - if not you’ve been very entertaining, Thanks for the laughs.
I grew up with a picture in a random room of my house of "The Rapture." It was chaos and death with a bunch of souls floating up t o heaven while the "sinners," had to endure their fate. I must admit I had a little sigh of relief this evening when the closest thing that came between me and death was a black widow spider I found during some yard work. thanks, Daddy, for your down to earth take on what many thought would be the end of times. xoxo