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Monday
Aug162010

I Sleep Naked

Grab your puke buckets kids cause it's true.

I sleep naked.

Call it being sexually hopeful mixed with trying to be comfortable and add a dash of hating to wear clothes and walla! You’ve got a 35-year-old douche with back-hair his wife won’t shave for him who occasionally gets sweaty-ass syndrome when he’s nervous sleeping like a neurotic bear.

I remember in college when my roommate used to go home for the weekend I double and triple checked the door to make sure it was locked, slid out of my boxers, climbed into bed, and dozed off into slumber land with a huge stupid grin on my face.

When the wifey moved in with me I spent a few months being hesitant about revealing my love for sleeping naked.

“What if she thinks I’m gonna try and molest her in the middle of the night and gets all Lorena Bobbit on me?” I thought.

Shortly after, I dropped trou and never looked back.

Then we had kids.

When they were babies all was good. They had no idea at 2:16 a.m. as they screamed and cried while I changed their diaper and the wife dropped a boob in their mouth that daddy’s ding-a-ling was swinging free.

As wee toddlers they’d come in the bedroom but were too small to actually make the long-distance journey to the peak of the bed which gave me ample time to do a pillow tuck and cover.

Then…they got older.

This past weekend I woke-up and followed-through with my religious morning routine which encompasses time alone kidless and wifeless as they lay slumber above my head. A couple hours later as the wife came to life she said, “you really need to start wearing underwear when you sleep.”

I was all, “over my dead body woman!”

“Well, your daughter came into our bedroom last night and you were laying buck-naked on top of the sheets, on your back, with your entire package presented for the world and your daughter to see. And she saw… She saw it all.”

And that’s when it hit home. Sure there’s the occasional turn the corner while daddy’s getting out of the shower and see a split second of his pecker before the towel blocks the horror. There’s the walking in while daddy’s just finishing pulling up the undies and seeing a milla-second shot of his ass before boxer-briefs do their job.

But nothing. NOTHING. Is like the scaring of a young girl sleepily walking into her parents’ bedroom at 2 in the morning and finding her father counting sheep with his “sheers” laying flaccid for the world to see.

Well…I guess the only other worse scenario is if she caught her daddy actually using those “sheers” on mommy.

So chalk-up another long-loved comfort gone out the window. I now sleep clad in cotton and am none-to-happy about it.

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    Why Is Daddy Crying? - WhyIsDaddyCrying - I Sleep Naked

Reader Comments (27)

As my husband has said, now she's ruined for all other men.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

I feel your pain! I too like to sleep naked but my kids are old enough (10 & 12) that it's not such a good idea anymore. When they're here I go to a t-shirt and undies but when they're at their dad's place..........bring on the nakedness!!!!

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat (@kathym425)

Also a naked sleeper here.

And my 7 yo son has recently decided I should no longer sleep naked even though he is an underwear only sleeper and constantly begs me to let him sleep naked.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSahd Story

I don't know what I'm going to do when I have kids, but I hope that I will be able to just continue to sleep naked no matter what. Being naked is human. We were not born with cloths on.

As far a I can tell our society are the ones that have made it wrong. You don't see the kids in tribes in Africa all upset about seeing their mothers titties hanging out for everyone to see, do you?

Maybe it is time that they understand what a penis really is.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMouse

You've ruined her! Lmbo...this was too funny. Later on in life she'll have a few stories to share.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterL. Eleana

Yeah, I hear ya. Am getting to close the not walking around the house with the hose out.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

Imagine the keywords that will bring people to your blog now that this post is up. I shudder to think. Very funny as always!

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

My husband and I still sleep naked. Our kids are older (ages 8-15) but we keep our bedroom door locked at night...they have no chance of getting in!

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

I was talking with a friend who is also an acting teacher and I asked "when do kids start to get shy about singing out?" She said "the first time someone says 'Shhhhhh!' to them."

Why can't regular ole ("flaccid") nudity in one's own home, room, bedroom be OK.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterfreeryan

I don't suppose locking your bedroom door is an option?

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSunday

She isnt ruined, you havent ruined her until she walks in on you having the sex. Or jerking off. Either one is bad.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

I figure once she hits 13 y/o she'll stop entering your room unannounced. then you can resume the greatness that is naked sleeping.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSlackjaw37

HA! My husband sleeps clothed - I am the free flowing nudist. My daughter has totally walked in with all of mom spilling out from the covers. She has also let the dogs come and wake mommy and daddy up which is fine - WHEN I HAVE CLOTHES ON. =)

Don't worry - we've all see a peen on accident ;)

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJaime-Ann

The human body is where we live and at the risk of being unpopular, I think maybe it's a good thing to normalize it for kids. This is what it looks like. Nothing special. Nothing glamorous. Kinda ugly and hairy. That's it. Don't bother getting all excited about it. If you don't want to see it, don't walk in on us unannounced. If you do see it, well, then you know what it looks like. We move forward, move on. No? I guess I"ll find out as my kids get older...

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrsWhich

Of course I feel your pain. But we ladies also make garment adjustments. The cutie-pie jammies and gowns suddenly turn to more family friendly man jammies! *{(:^)
Buuuut.....my son moves to college on Wednesday. So maybe I can wear something cute again. LOL

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDawne

And this is why my door is locked. If they can open doors, they can learn how to knock on a closed door.

Good story. And I agree, they aren't traumatized until they see you having sex. .. and then proceed to tell friends and family in graphic detail about it.

August 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdananner

This made me laugh! My ex slept in the nude as well until our two month old daughter puked down his back and it ran in his ass crack. I still don't think he's recovered.

August 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarol

No - dat ain't normal.

The only reason why I don't sleep naked is that I will end up in the highschool auditorium, on stage, naked wondering where my locker is and that class that I forgot to go to all year and now I'm failing and I'm going to have to stay behind and be in school forever...while being naked. That's why I don't sleep naked.

And I tell my husband that he needs to keep his hose in boxers. Hide it and stop dancing like Chippendale on the balcony.

August 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJillian

Worse yet, when you're sleeping naked under the sheets, then you're woken up by one of your kids climbing in bed with you. Normally not an issue, but it can be when you see your shorts lying in a chair on the other side of the room, well out of reach. Then you have to do the quick elbow sheet lockdown, preventing child access under the covers, so you don't have a really uncomfortable and embarrassing moment with your kid.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdiamond dave

I used to sleep naked every night too, but once my child was old enough to start walking to our room in the middle of the night, I got dressed. However, every time he stays at my folks house, I'm sans-a-clothes again. No better feeling in the world than sliding into cool sheets buck naked. My husband on the other hand, is much more modest than I and I don't believe he's ever slept nude in the fifteen years we've been together. He doesn't know what he's missing.

August 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMirth

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