Alcohol Filled Grenades
Friday, August 13, 2010 at 9:10AM Remember those days when you used to be able to pour a beer or glass of wine or both, and leave them sitting on the counter or coffee table and they would be there when you got back?
Since the infestation of children in our lives, alcoholic beverages have been like grenades throughout the house.
You place them down and walking away is like pulling the pin. You have just seconds before it’s knocked over, shattered, kicked, or used because, “my horsey wanted some water.”
And literally making matters worse…my damn cat is obsessed with knocking over full glasses of liquid.
I have a mental list of areas throughout the house that are not only out of the reach of the kids, but tight enough that my fat-ass cat has no chance in cat-hell to get anywhere near it.
Those spots are almost as precious as those along the wooden steps in our house that don’t creak in the early morning when the children are on the brink of cock-blocking a solid hour of silence, coffee, and the newspaper.
The trouble is always remembering if I’d finished that beer or placed it in one of my sacred kid-free places.
If it’s a particular late night with friends I’ll spend a good half-hour on a scavenger hunt searching for half-full beers or overflowing glasses of wine. Somewhere in the middle I’d ultimately get completely turned around checking and re-checking spots.
Eventually, our guests will find me in the fetal position, sucking my thumb, crying and carving messages into the wall with my jagged thumbnail.
But I guess everything in the house suffers the same possible destruction.
When I was dating the wifey in high school I was notorious for breaking lamps, vases and chairs in her mom’s house. Clumsy, no self control and stupidity were the main culprits.
So who am I to judge the nippers for being who they are and just flat out flailing around the house in the midst of a giggle-filled tickle rages and taking down beers, wine and lamps in their wake?
Maybe I should just attach flashing beacons to my beers. That way I’d always know where I left them.
Either that or I’d spend way too much time having seizures.
Reader Comments (6)
SAME THING IN MY HOUSE! EVERY. GOD. DAMN. TIME. with the spilled wine glasses! little shits!
Lol! My favorite is when I attempt to be inconspicuous by pouring wine in a plastic drinking cup, and the kid grabs it thinking it's his meal-time beverage. Because sometimes one just can't wait till 5 p.m.!!
My kids love to point out to the world that I probably have ALCOHOL in my cup. They always scream it like that. "Hey mom, can I have a sip or does that have ALCOHOL in it again?" Thanks, kids.
There is no shit safe in my house. I have run out of spaces on the roof. I say put your beer in the Camel Back and call it a day.
Yeah I drink all my beverages out of a screw top now.
Sippy cups. It is what they are for when the kids no longer need them. Just think, no wasted alcoholic beverages, not need to hide them and you are keeping sippy cups from the landfill, it's a win win!