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If I Were A Parental Crack Dealer

“Daddy!!! I can’t go to sleep!!”

Holy mother of all things that make me want to slam my head in the door…that one ranks up there near the top.

Every time the wifey and I hear that, our first response is to pound the pause button on the remote of whatever mindless insanity we’re watching, look at each other and drop our heads in that position that screams “are you fucking kidding me?”

We quickly draw straws (or actually the wife gives me that look like “you better take your ass up there chump!”) and  I make my way upstairs to explain to the children that “daddy has no magical pixy dust to toss in the air allowing my sweet SWEET children to fall patiently and quietly into slumber land.”

This is often met by, “aaawwww come on daddy…my eyes don’t want to shut!!!”

Or, “But it’s not night time yet!!!”

Or my favorite, “can’t I just have dinner?”

As if I didn’t just spend the past hour fighting them to chow their nighttime morsels.

Wouldn’t it be fantasticly awesome if we, as parents, had nighttime flakes allowing anyone we sprinkle them on to experience an eight-hour blissful sleep?

It would be the parental crack we’ve all been searching for.

No longer would Friday nights be filled with fathers surrounding grills, wives sipping wine and laughing in a corner while the kids destroy house and home.

Instead wives would be sipping wine and glaring at their watches like hawks as husbands flocked to their favorite dealer in the hopes of scoring even a dime-bag of the “I Cant’ Sleep Daddy” dust.

Parental mobs would storm the streets burning down businesses and taking over governmental positions to make sure “I Can’t Sleep Daddy” dust was considered “medicinal.”

Then “clicks” would form along the school playground as parents divide themselves amongst “those who have kids addicted to the ‘Sleepy Daddy’ dust,” and those who simply kiss their parents on the forehead, thank them for providing them with the greatest life ever, and nod quietly off to sleep.

Eventually all hell would break loose on the football field as the favorite quarterback, who according to Susan is a “Daddy Dust” user, throws the game-losing touchdown and suddenly it becomes a city-wide school board issue.

Actually, now that I think about it…it’s not worth it. I guess I’ll just stick to the old fashioned parental rhetoric of explaining to the children that daddy’s only magical power is to piss off their mother in 2.1 seconds flat.

And, I’ll save the magical sleeping dust for myself.


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Reader Comments (17)

Since its wrong... very wrong to medicate your child for your convenience and sanity....... I will not mention benadryl ... nope. will not, that would be bad.

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHolly B

Hey, I'm gonna be out front grabbing a smoke, if you happen to walk by with a couple of dimebags of that stuff I'm buying. Just leave it in the mailbox and I'll send a minion over with the cash.

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterGwen

They'll manipulate you, control you and bring you to your knees in prayer in you'll wonder, "What were we thinking?" but then...when they finally do fall asleep, you'll feel their warm breath on your cheek and kiss their soft skin and you'll smile and know that without them, you wouldn't have any material.

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJillian

My daughter is 12 and still pulls that crap. She then wants to know if she can watch a movie on the laptop. Ha, I know her game. She might want to watch a movie, but she will be spending time on the internet as well. Kids!

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHey Jen

There is a magical parental crack/fairy dust. It's called benedryl. :P

Keep a tally. When they're teenagers make sure to roust them out of bed extra early on the weekends to pay them back for this nonsense.
And if you do find that magic powder, I'll be your first customer. My kids also hate sleep.

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterfollowthatdog

One o f these days you won't even be able to wake them up. One day they will fully understand the power of sleep. Then they will have kids and boom , payback.

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

Hahaha! I like Jillian's comment!

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittleAnimation

My son is almost 8 and (knock on wood) this hasn't been a problem yet. Actually, he's the one usually watching the clock and getting cranky if we can't come tuck him in RIGHT AT BEDTIME.

BTW - I been really enjoying your blog for a couple weeks now and I've named you one of this week's Blogger Crushes over at my place...

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTennessee Mom

I have the same problem having four children of my own. I discovered a huge help that I use on the days I know they are not going to go to sleep...MELATONIN! 100% safe and all it does is relax them just enough for their bodies to tell them it's sleepy time. My pediatrician recommended it for me. They even make gummies with melatonin in it and drops you can put in their drinks at bed time. I love it, I even use it myself sometimes.

At fist I felt bad, but then I realized I valued sleep and quiet more than a high moral standard.

Or when all else fails....Nyquil those bastards!

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris daughter texted me 10 FRIGGING times the other night...from her damn room...which is 2 fecking feet from our door..."I can't sleep...what do I do..." 10TIMESSSSSSS!!!!
I wish there was crack dust to put them to sleep...I'd buy stock!

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

My five year olds have quit the "I can't sleep" game with us. Now they just come out of their bedroom with random bizarre questions. "Mommy why do we have to learn?" "Daddy why is there a moon?" They lie there thinking of ways to expedite my trip to the room with the padded walls!

August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMom2ATeam

I gotta tell you, this is brilliant. I wish we had some daddy sleeping dust in this house. Wil could certainly use some. Instead he just let's Ari watch endless amounts if Blue's Clues until he passes out.

I'm with Chris on this one--MELATONIN is the best thing EVER. I originally got it for my son--he's on ADHD medication that works beatifully at school then completely jacks him up at bedtime. Doc recommended melatonin. Works like a charm. Now, the son takes it, I take it, little sister takes it--if we had a dog, he'd be on the sleepy crack too. I've even considered covertly slipping one or ten into the hubby's drink when he's just a little to frisky for my liking.

August 19, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobin

Posts like this make me realize just how fortunate my parents were with me. They NEVER had a problem with me going to bed, I'd usually go myself or fall asleep where I sat. Sometimes they'd find me collapsed in the hallway where I tried to make it to bed, but never quite made it even to the bedroom door.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdiamond dave

Dude, if you get a hold of some of this "dust" please share. I've had so many nights ruined by the "I can't sleep" trick. It always happens during the best part of the show too. It's like they have little radars that go off to let them know "this is the good part, queue up the tears."

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDaddysFishBowl

Love it and was hoping someone else would mention the 'occasional' necessary usage of benedryl... Hey sometimes the sanity of the parent is on the line! LOL

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy-Brooke

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