This past Saturday we took our puppy Marty to have his manhood removed. Despite the wife trying everything in her power to have the doctors neuter me as well, I managed to escape with my bits and pieces.
But, the whole situation did instigate a conversation between the wife and I about testicles.
Me: “That poor little bastard is gonna have a twig with no berries. You think he’ll need doggie therapy to deal with it?”
Wife: “You’re not taking this too well are you?”
Me: “It’s a guy thing. When another member of the male gender loses his man-bits we’re required to take a collective sigh and moment of silence.”
Wife: “You have serious issues.”
Me: “Those things are important. They’re magical and scientifically speaking, I wouldn’t be shocked if they have some sort of roll in the Earth’s orbit around the moon.”
Wife: “They have a scientific affect all right. They cloud your thinking with images of boobies and panties so you say really stupid things. Case-in-point…the Earth revolves around the sun sweetie.”
Me: “If you ever say ‘case-in-point’ to me again you’ll be orbiting the sun.”
Wife: “I don’t know, I just think those things possibly do more harm than good. I mean, look at child molesters and rapists.”
Me: “Yeah, they should definitely have their balls removed immediately after being found guilty. But come on, they do a lot of good. They produced your children!”
Wife: “They did help with that process. Although, now that that’s done with maybe we should consider removing them?”
Me: “Why, so that I turn into a Snuggie-wearing, Oxygen-watching, girlfriend of yours who doesn’t hump your leg, do naked dances for you after my showers, or complain about going shopping?”
Wife: “Oh my God that sounds blissful. I think I had a small orgasm at the thought of that.”
Me: “That hurts….that hurts deep. My balls are staying with me till the bitter end my dear!”
Wife: “Speaking of that, there’s another testicular fact. Old-man-balls are an absolute horror show. Your balls are never gonna hit your knees are they?”
Me: “When the hell have you seen old-man-balls? Do you have some sort of old person fetish? Is this why you watch Golden Girls all the time?”
Wife: “I just think you should consider wearing like a man testicle bra so when you’re 80 your nuts aren’t dragging the ground.”
Me: “So can I take a second to recap what you seem to believe about my balls? They make me think of nothing but boobies and panties, clouding my thoughts to the point that I even dismiss Galileo’s hard work. You would like to have them removed so I turn into your dream-girl BFF. But, if they do remain part of me it scares you to the point that you spend sleepless nights inventing man-testicle bras?”
Wife: “Honey. You know you were staring at my breasts the whole time you were ranting just then?”
Me: “What color panties are you wearing right now?”
