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Entries in TV (4)


It's All About the Boobs

Yesterday I was sitting on the couch with the kids, watching some boob tube, when a commercial comes on.

Most parents know that when a commercial comes on, usually the children snap out of the TV coma and begin random acts of destruction. So I was braced for the worst. But instead, my daughter says:

“My head almost reaches mommy’s boobies.”

My son pops up from his seat – “My eyes can look right at mommy’s boobies. Come stand next to me and let’s see how far away you are from looking at mommy’s boobies.”

They then proceed to stand next to each other and begin the arduous process of calculating exactly how far my daughter has to grow before her eyeballs see eye-to-eye with my wifey’s rack.

I honestly didn’t know what to say or how do I react. Do I stand up, lift the boy off the ground by his shirt while screaming, “those bad-boys are mine damn it. You keep your dirt-crusted, goopy eyeballs off them, ya hear?!” Or do I say, “hey children, come sit next to daddy mmmkay! Listen, those are mommy’s personal body objects that are not to be discussed, touched, or looked at, mmmkay?!” Or, do I stand up and say, “Oh yeah, well my belly is even with your midget mother’s boobies which puts them in perfect range for…….” Umm…I didn’t chose that one.

Nope, instead I smiled, chuckled, and realized that those precious mounds I so often admire from a far have entered a new phase. I’ve seen many a boob phase over the past 7 years – pregnancy, birth, nursing, post nursing, etc… And now…measuring stick. I gave up the whole, “I don’t like to share” thing a long time ago.

Regardless of what phase they’re in, they’re fabulous and one of many attributes that make wifey a sexy sexy MILF. Now if I could only get her to agree to let me take pictures for my blog post….


The Wife is Hoarding Hoarders!!

"Holy Shit!!!" That's what I said when I scrolled through our DVR and found this! My wife is completely hoarding episodes of Hoarders on A&E.


What I Learned From Watching SpongeBob SquarePants

I remember when my son was first born I swore to myself, my wife, and any other poor soul that had ears, that I’d never let my kids watch garbage TV. And SpongeBob SquarePants was always my prime example… picture on the picket-sign touting garbage TV as the destroyer of our children’s minds.

Those rants were usually done as I lay sprawled on the couch, with a beer, watching the Family Guy, Simpsons, or Saved by the Bell or what-not. Don’t judge me….Saved by the Bell freakin’ rocked.

Now – I get more excited to watch SpongeBob than my freakin’ kids do. I’m exaggerating, but I will watch it. And in doing so – I’ve learned the most amazing life lessons.

As a gift to you – here are ten of them:

1) Always hang around someone a hell of a lot dumber than you are – it makes you look smart and stuff.

2) Gravity can still kick your ass underwater.

3) All squirrels are born with Texan accents

4) A life of celibacy turns you into a happy-go-lucky, burger flipping idiot

5) Mr. Crabs and Kernel Sanders are the only two jagoffs left on this planet obsessed with their “secret ingredient.”

6) You can cry actual tears underwater.

7) If you remain a closet homosexual you’re whole life you’ll end up angry, bald, alone, big nosed and hating sponges.

8) If your arms fall off, you can simply put them back on—voila!

9) Crabs can asexually give birth to female whales

10) Dubbing over Casablanca, Singing in the Rain, and the Godfather with SpongeBob character’s voices is fucking hilarious.


Music Obsession Meets Old Videos

As all new parents do....we documented the hell out of our children's first words, falls, shits, walks, laughs, and insanity. I have about an hour commute every day to work. Along that wonderful, adventurous journey I listen to a ton of music - 90 percent of which my brother claims is "shit" cause he can't pull his head out of the 80's ass.

But along that journey I listen to songs and lyrics and I can immediately connect them to moments in our family's life that make sense...or just flat out fuckin' rock.

Recently I've melded my obsession with music and film. These two films are rookie at best....but they at least give you a taste of the path I'm venturing down. One is low quality....other, is painfully short but filled with potential.

Enjoy kids!

Christmas 2007 from Justin Lyons on Vimeo.

Grayson - A Father's Confessional from Justin Lyons on Vimeo.