You know those people who walk down the center of a grocery isle with their cart at a snale’s pace completely oblivious to the fact not a single human being can pass them?
Or that person who strolls down the middle of a parking lot causing you to slowly creep behind them while fighting the urge to floor it and enjoy the sound of them tumbling over the hood, roof, and back of your car?
Or the jackass who walks through a door a mere 4 feet in front of you and lets it swing closed without holding it for you?
Well those oblivious, brain-dead, life-suckers are what my son is turning in to.
He’s essentially a human gnat bouncing around in a wide open space utilizing his uncanny ability to land in only the most annoying spots possible.
We were going for a bike ride the other day. The sun was out, birds were chirping, I had an amazing view of the wife’s derriere bouncing ever so slightly on her bike seat, and my son was leading the pack with his head turned around to us asking things like:
“You know that Pokemon card where the little blue guy looks all innocent and stuff? He turns into a dragon!”
“Hey dad, what happens if you fart when you’re butt’s on the seat? Will it hurt you?”
Boy: “Hey daddy, guess what?” Me: “What?” Boy: “Hahaha…you said the Nerd Word. You’re a nerd now!”
Meanwhile, bikers on the peaceful pathway are diving off to the grass, desperately grabbing their children, and giving me death looks as my son obliviously drives his death-machine down the middle of the path without looking ahead because he’s too busy trying to see my reaction as he reveals to his old man that he’s in fact a huge nerd.
We have a dog that I didn’t want but wasn’t man-enough to say “hell no” to. Apparently dog’s poop. And apparently my son’s shoes are a magnet for said poop.
The other day I notice footprints of shit in my house. Immediately I panic, yell for the boy who’s broken the golden rule of no shoes in the house. Sure enough, there’s a massive pile of crap attached to his foot.
After explaining the golden rule….again, I then say, “please go outside and clean off your shoe.”
What does my 8-year-old boy do? He uses the back deck steps to wipe the shit off his shoe. To him, the steps were technically “outside.”
So I know you’ve got good stories. Leave a comment of the most oblivious thing your little nipper does that makes you want to drop kick him/her?