Oblivious In Training
Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 6:42AM You know those people who walk down the center of a grocery isle with their cart at a snale’s pace completely oblivious to the fact not a single human being can pass them?
Or that person who strolls down the middle of a parking lot causing you to slowly creep behind them while fighting the urge to floor it and enjoy the sound of them tumbling over the hood, roof, and back of your car?
Or the jackass who walks through a door a mere 4 feet in front of you and lets it swing closed without holding it for you?
Well those oblivious, brain-dead, life-suckers are what my son is turning in to.
He’s essentially a human gnat bouncing around in a wide open space utilizing his uncanny ability to land in only the most annoying spots possible.
Example 1
We were going for a bike ride the other day. The sun was out, birds were chirping, I had an amazing view of the wife’s derriere bouncing ever so slightly on her bike seat, and my son was leading the pack with his head turned around to us asking things like:
“You know that Pokemon card where the little blue guy looks all innocent and stuff? He turns into a dragon!”
“Hey dad, what happens if you fart when you’re butt’s on the seat? Will it hurt you?”
Boy: “Hey daddy, guess what?” Me: “What?” Boy: “Hahaha…you said the Nerd Word. You’re a nerd now!”
Meanwhile, bikers on the peaceful pathway are diving off to the grass, desperately grabbing their children, and giving me death looks as my son obliviously drives his death-machine down the middle of the path without looking ahead because he’s too busy trying to see my reaction as he reveals to his old man that he’s in fact a huge nerd.
Example 2
We have a dog that I didn’t want but wasn’t man-enough to say “hell no” to. Apparently dog’s poop. And apparently my son’s shoes are a magnet for said poop.
The other day I notice footprints of shit in my house. Immediately I panic, yell for the boy who’s broken the golden rule of no shoes in the house. Sure enough, there’s a massive pile of crap attached to his foot.
After explaining the golden rule….again, I then say, “please go outside and clean off your shoe.”
What does my 8-year-old boy do? He uses the back deck steps to wipe the shit off his shoe. To him, the steps were technically “outside.”
Oblivious.
So I know you’ve got good stories. Leave a comment of the most oblivious thing your little nipper does that makes you want to drop kick him/her?
Reader Comments (13)
The other day, I put the remote in the fridge - at the time I did this, it made sense. I had the fridge open & my son was trying to grab it. There are places in the fridge that he can't reach unless he climbs, and I never leave the fridge open long enough for him to climb.
But, being a father, I quickly forgot that I left the remote in the fridge. I spent the better part of the day being grumpy because I had to stand up to change the channel. Imagine my surprise when, in preparing a snack when they were grump - hey there's the remote.
My 9 year old devil spawn insists on using our shower with the shower head...but he's not tall enough to replace it after he's yanked it down. So in my morning stupor when I am half awake I turn on the shower and the @#$% shower head starts spinning around like a sub machine gun spraying everything in its path. Little turd.
If we're walking on the sidewalk (or biking or skating or moving in any way), he always somehow ends up in the grass. Straight lines are apparently really hard. God help us when he is old enough to drive.
HAHA nerd word I hear that all the time too. It was funny like the first 100 times...Seriously I have two boys 8 and 9 years old, my life is one big dysfunctional joke. I must come up with some brilliance and repost.....see ya in a few
I know these people! One and all! Well, I don't know them, but I see them, sure. And they drive me nuts.
Funny blog. I shall return.
I feel your pain! First of all, I hate those people. The inconsiderate dolts of society! Or are they just too dumb to realize that they are dumb?
As for the kids... My son likes to look everywhere but ahead when he's (walking | riding a bike | riding an ATV | any possible sort of locomotion). I can't count the number of times he has walked into the corner of a wall or the wrong edge of a door. We were camping recently and he was riding a little kids 50cc ATV (with the governor dialed down as FAR as possible) and nearly A) ran into someone's car. B) drove into the fire pit. C) took his head off when he drove under my truck's open tailgate.
If you find a solution to a kid's absentmindedness, please don't hesitate to share. I'll be watching.
WonderGirl chews with her mouth open. Like a little freaking bovine. DRIVES ME BATSHIT.
:Smack. Crunch. Slurp. Smack.: UGH.
"Please chew with your mouth closed."
:Smack. Smack. Smack.:
And then Mr. SwearPants???
He just chews.
On everything. THROUGH everything.
Cords. Pencils. The handle of my brand new purse.
Prozac help me. Someone is not going to survive their childhood.
I'm a stoner so ugh I have no idea what you're talking about.
My twin 4-year-olds call everyone names. Nice cashiers or waitresses get, "Thanks HOT DOG or worse WIENER!" I just have to shrug and tell people I'm their aunt...
The whole person walking through a door a few feet ahead of you and not holding it...........yeah, some guy (50 maybe?) did that to me. I was pushing my 4 year old son who is in a wheelchair. I also had a bag full of library books to return. I wanted to dropkick that guy.
My 16 year old (yes, a practical adult) was asked to put the load of laundry in the dryer. Sure enough, when I went to fold those clothes, they were wet. Apparently, I have to also tell her to press start!! 2 more years, 2 more years......
My 7 year old son, oblivious to the world.. decided to scrape his dog-poop filled shoes off on our front steps.. I found it hours later, when the sun was down and I was enjoying some much need "quiet time" on said step.
I know this comment is a whole year AFTER your post, but I only just recently started reading your blog. (which happens to be hysterical!)
Any-hoo.....my boy-wonder (11) and Sassy Sally (8) are just as oblivious! Seriously, when I say "hey, can you pass me that _____ right next to you?"; how hard is it to reach over 1.367 feet and discover said object?!?! It drives me ape-shit crazy!! I'll never understand WHY in the hell they get up and walk around the entire room (Staring at the ceiling) in "search of the object I asked them to pass to me??
yeah, so...great blog! :-)