You know those Saturday’s when you’re just kinda hanging out?
The kids are doing their own thing. You’re zoned out plowing through the newspaper while the wife is obsessively drilling through Facebook and for a brief moment that’s when you realize “no one wants anything.”
No one’s screaming “nu-uh!!! I’m gonna tell!!!”
And the dog isn’t at the backdoor slamming his hellish paw against the annoying as shit bell we taught him to ring every time he wants to go out.
Bliss!!!
And that’s when the boy rolled up and muttered to me, “daddy what’s my penis for?”
Working hard not to spit my coffee all over the cute little redheaded bastard, I took a hard swallow and responded, “ummm, to pee with dude!”
The Dude: “Really, that’s it? Just to pee with?”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “Well, I mean, there’s other stuff but you’ll learn about that later.”
The Dude: “Like what daddy?”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “Seriously dude, we’ll talk about it later, it’s complicated and daddy’s tired.”
The Dude: “Is is where babies come from?”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “Holy mother of ….. I mean…man, what are they teaching you at school? Who are you hanging out with!!?!”
The Dude: “No I’ve just been wondering.”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “No, baby’s do not technically come out of your penis.”
The Dude: “What if something happens to it.”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “Well then you put that thing on ice IMMEDIATELY and find yourself a damn good attorney .”
The Dude: “I don’t understand.”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “I’m jumping ahead. You remember when daddy said to make sure and talk to me before you get married?”
The Dude: “Yes daddy.”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “That’s all you need to know right now my man. Now go ride your bike or blow bubbles or something.”
The Dude: “You’ve made me scared to have a penis daddy.”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “It’s a big damn responsibility my son. You shouldn’t take it lightly. Many important people have died or ruined their lives cause they couldn’t handle their penis. It’s a lifetime battle dude…just know that I’ll do all I can to guide you along this bumpy road.”
The Dude: “Daddy, why would my penis go down a bumpy road?”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “Hey – is that the ice cream man?”
The Dude: “No…I don’t hear anything.”
Dumbass Dad (ME): “Who wants to go for ice cream?!!!”
Later that night I cried myself to sleep….
