Hire My Dumb-Ass!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010 at 7:26AM With there being just a slight gap between my last paycheck and the new job I’m about to take, the wifey and I have realized the slight forthcoming pinch to our finances. We’ll make it work, but it’s definitely raised question marks above my head about whether I should try to land a quick one-day or two-day job that could put some walking cash in my pocket till I’m employed again?
With the wifey’s approval to the idea, I sat down and quickly took inventory of the many skills I’ve gained naturally or through this extended break as a stay-at-home dad. Once I exhausted the list and eight beers along with it, I quickly hand crafted a classified ad I plan to run in this week’s paper. I figured throwing it up on my blog couldn’t hurt either.
So…if you’re in the need and a skill seems to fit…let a brother know and give me a call!
Help Wanted
- Young, strapping lad looking for small, non-handy-man jobs to be accomplished around the house.
- Able to provide light hammering of nails, painting, yard mowing and weed-eating.
- Incapable of anything requiring plumbing, electrical, picture hanging, wood cutting, leveling, or other type of manly-man focused household activities.
- Enjoys long walks along the beach and may occasionally look out of his peripherals to view the random bikini-clad lady.
- Eclectic skills abound, ranging from professional beer taster, Jager-bomb maker, running buddy, shower soap holder, sex slave, compliment giver, beer fetcher, break-dance freak of nature, twitcher, professional thumb wrestler, make your friends laugh at my lisp-er, stay up late laughing at other people’s expenses-er, put soft socks on me after a few too many beers and tell me to walk down these wooden stairs and watch me tumble-er, willing to see what can fit in the gap between my teeth while you watch-er, drinker and laugher.
Please note that if I:
- Wear no pants on Friday
- Am caught using your interweb machine thingy
- Watch your pay-per-view
- Destroy CDs in your music collection I believe is pure shit
- Drink all of your beer
- Cram a full day’s worth of work into the 35 minutes before you come home, then fake looking exhausted and saying, “wow…what…a…day. I am beat!!”
- Look you straight in the eyes and say, “yeah, it seriously looks good doesn’t it?!” when you ask, “did you even paint this fucking room today?”
- Twitter about all the insane stuff I find throughout your house (this includes TwitPics)
- Access your Facebook account
- And, hide random empty beer bottles, condoms and pictures of “spy horse” throughout your house
then I cannont be held responsible for said repercussions and damage.
Disclaimer
The party responsible for hiring WhyIsDaddyCrying must hold all responsibilities for said activities and damage and are forbidden from demeaning, beating, laughing-at, Twittering about, or calling his wife regarding any of these issues. You will NOT call the police. WhyIsDaddyCrying holds all copyright regarding anything stolen, TwitPic’d, written about, looked at, sat on, or beer-spilled on. If I look at you, you are considered copyrighted by WhyIsDaddyCrying. WhyIsDaddyCrying is not sold in foreign countries and may be harmful to your health. If you speak to, look at, lick, shake hands with, or brush-up against WhyIsDaddyCrying, please call your physician immediately and tell him/her your situation. WhyIsDaddyCrying is not harmful to children under the age of 18, but should be kept far far away if you’ve witnessed him ingest more than 2 bottles of wine and/or Jager. WhyIsDaddyCrying is not a laxative nor a diabetic cleanser.
Call Today If You Need Simple Jobs Done!
1-800-468-3825 or email whyisdaddycrying (at) gmail (dot) com
Facebook, Jager, Twitter, beer, bikini, gapped teeth, spy horse, stay at home dad, work
Reader Comments (15)
Is that phone number a hidden last qualification? Because if so, that's fresh. And I'm telling yo' wife.
:)
This is awesome!! OMG I'm laughing my ass off at work! I'd totally hire you just off the comedy of this ad! :) Great read as usual!
Seriously, you are hiring out as a Sex Slave?! Hold on, lemme see how much cash is in my wallet...standby......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Crap! Only a Toonie and a Loonie (if you know what those are...I'll mail em to you too!)
We thought that beer bottle we found in Gracie's room was from you! Your hired. Do you take bad checks?
Your ecclectic skillz list is great. Who doesn't need an experienced "twitcher". I'd hire you but my husband already provides me with many of those services and may get jealous. Good luck with the new job and hang in there during the interim.
So, pointing out how much money you would have if you had done unemployment without buying booze would be bad, yes? :)
I was ready to hire until I read the fineprint.
HAH!!!!! That is great. You should run that ad ASAP.
Good lord, I haven't laughed that hard in ages. You, however, are not hired as I have one of you at home already & there is not enough beer in the world for two of you here.
You could be my pool boy! Especially on Friday. Unfortunately, you live way over there....and I live way over here. Damn the bad luck. :-(
So seriously, how are your qualifications different from any other man out there? Perhaps you have most men beat in the looks department and should post a photo of you on Pants Optional Friday. That might give you the leg up you need (and make that a pic or you with your leg up!!)
I don't know what's funnier, your post or the incredible links in it. Serious kudos and Congrats on your new job! I recommend you forego the part-time work, sober up, and save up your energy for the new gig. ;-)
Brilliant!
Other than saying, "Stoopid." with a whistle, what else can you do with that gap?
I like this. Thinking of doing one of my own as I need a 3-6 month gig before my next ``real`` job is ready for me. This Canadian girl loves to read your stuff everyday. =)
WOW... I'm thinking someone had a little too much time on his hands!!! Maybe that time could of been used writing for this OTHER blog I remember you writing for once...sigh. :)
On a lighter note... that was HEE-LAIR-IOUS! :)