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F-You Daddy!

The wifey and I have had a long-time agreement that when it comes to things like making the kids’ lunches for school, putting them to bed, giving them baths, cleaning their puke off the ceilings, etc…we take turns. And it’s a beautiful thing, this agreement is. Only catch is, the boy loves to have me lay in bed with him and talk once the lights are turned out. So, while I never get a night off, the flip side is that I’ve built an incredible level of trust with him.

In fact, I’ve kind of become his shrink. He lays there, bares his soul, then looks to me for advice. And while I may or may not be the most top-notch guy on the planet to ask for advice from, I feel I still do a stand-up job.

Here are just a few of the conversations to date. (Please note names of the boy’s friends have been changed to those of famous people as not to identify anyone):

The Naked Lady

Boy: “Daddy…R. Kelly has a picture of a naked woman in his room.”

Me: “A naked woman? Really? Did you see it? Does she look good?”

Boy: “Yes I saw it.”

Me: “Well where does he keep it?”

Boy: “Behind a poster.”

Me: “Wow…well Grayson, you and R. Kelly are a bit too young to be looking at pictures like that and looking at women in that way.”

Boy: “I know daddy.”

Me: “If that happens again I want you to bring the picture to daddy immediately, OK?”

Boy: “I will daddy.”


She’s Mine…No She’s Mine!

Boy: “Daddy…Matt Damon and Ben Affleck fight every day on the playground over Fergie and I really don’t like it. They’re both in love with her.”

Me: “What do you mean ‘fight?’ Like throwing fists and hitting each other and stuff?”

Boy: “They grab each other and try to throw each other to the ground. Whoever hits the ground first loses.”

Me: “And then what, the winner scoops Fergie up and carries her off into the sunset?”

Boy: “No…the winner is Fergie’s boyfriend.”

Me: “Does Fergie know this?”

Boy: “No. But they fight all the time and are always telling her they love her and she keeps saying she doesn’t love either of them.”

Me: “Do you like Fergie?”

Boy: “Yes.”

Me: “Here’s what you do. Never tell her you love her because you don’t, you’re too young to even be talking about love. Treat her like you would any other of your friends. Go play with her, get to know her, and let her get to know you.”

Three Days Later…

Me: “So are Matt Damon and Ben Affleck still fighting over Fergie?

Boy: “Yes, but daddy…I ignore it and have been playing with Fergie and her friends for the past couple of days. And we’re friends and have made up a bunch of games together.”

Me: “Atta dude…”…and a manly man tear slides down my cheek.


F-You Daddy!!

Boy: “Daddy…I know how to stick up my middle finger.”

Me: “You what?!”

Boy:Gary Busey taught me how to stick up my middle finger—see!”

Me: “Whoa…dude. Put that thing away. Do you know what that means?”

Boy: “No, but it’s such a huge finger and everyone laughs when I do it.”

Me: “You know the ‘f-word’ that you’ve talked about hearing before?”

Boy: “Yeah. Oh, daddy? That word is written on the table next to my keyboard in computer class.”

Me: “Wow…well, anyway, sticking your middle finger up is like saying the ‘f-word’ to someone. It’s not good Grayson. Don’t ever, EVER do that again. The school will send you home and mommy will cry.”

Boy: “She doesn’t cry when you do it.”

Me: “That’s different. When I do it to mommy it means ‘I love you.’”

Two seconds later the boy flipped me off and said “I love you daddy!” All I could do was give him a hug and say, “Grayson, don’t ever stick your middle finger up at me or anyone else again. And, I promise I won’t either… whenever you’re watching me.”

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Reader Comments (26)

FABULOUS! Changing the names to famous characters only made the stories MORE amusing. I adore your relationship with Grayson; its great!
Best line: "Me: “That’s different. When I do it to mommy it means ‘I love you.’”

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@piggytailmommie

AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!! That was fantastic. Kids are great! Nice job making sure he brings YOU the picture of the naked woman. ;)

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNina


March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

This is hilarious.
You and Grayson are awesome.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

That is one lucky boy.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

1 - Funny
3 - great cover for your Finger Work.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

Haha! Monkey See, Monkey Do!
I love late night snuggle chats with my kids...makes my heart melt!

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Bwahahahahaha! Isn't it great what kids pick up on? And we have to fight the urge to just bust up laughing!

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteruthostage

Love it. My son and I have had some really trusting conversations too.I didn't have that option growing up.We weren't allowed to say anything ...about anything. LOL. So I made sure when I had kids,that they could tell me whatever they wanted! And boy,do they! haha

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy southernlady75


March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCass

I'm just wondering if my wife will be having these convos with our daughter when she gets older ... great stuff!

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMike

That was great...hits so close to home on some of the conversations I have with my boy. Keep up the posts.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRob

This was hilarious! Love the part about you telling him to bring the picture of the naked lady home to you STAT. I can't imagine what you might want to do with it.... Once again, another great post! :-)

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternuckingfutsmama

I have a really long middle finger.
When I stick it up at people they always say, "You have a really long middle finger."
It totally does not get across what I'd like to get across.
It is however, a neat way of saying, "Hey! I have a long middle finger."

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLindsayDianne

Really should have checked my comment form better cuz... Well.. I deleted that blog. Woops!

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLindsayDianne

I hope to have that good of a relationship with my boy when he gets to be that age.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterunidledad

Hahahahahaha. Love this post. The situations only get trickier as they get older, but hopefully he'll keep coming to you. (And with dad's advice, he's going to be one slick lady's man! He's already backdoored Matt Damon and Ben Affleck!)

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

This is the best series of bedtime conversations I've ever heard. The names have been changed to celebrities is fantastic.

If the middle finger = love, then I must really love that asshole who stole my parking spot.

This is great! A good sense of humor is one of the greatest things to pass on to your kids.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDirty Dishtowels

You're a goober...and a damn fine father. Anyone who denies the positive impact an involved father makes in a child's life is hallucinating. Keep up the good work...and keep on listening, always.

March 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNikkiMoi

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