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I Fantasize About You....

So a few months ago I started “following” on Twitter this ballsy, cunning, and very funny lady named @IEatMyKidzSnack. She’s kind of like a mix between a sleeping lioness, a unicorn spewing Skittles, and that chick from college who did nothing but take bong hits and spew phenomenal one-liners that had you pissing your pants in laughter.

Her Tweets are hilarious but if you choose to talk directly to her, you better buckle-up and get ready. She’ll tell it like it is, wrapping up her 140-character response with one of her many endearing patented adjectives like “lover” or “assjacket.”

Anyway, enough about her (oh, she has a blog too. Go check her Electrical Box.)

One dark and dreary day I got a tweet from her that read:

I fantasize you do ‘jazz hands’ after you orgasm.”

Anyone who knows me understands that when you drop a bomb on me like that…I’m gonna obsess over retaliation. So I thought…and thought…and then dropped on her:

“I fantasize about you Googling something and it returning 100,000 ‘go fuck yourself’ results.”

From that point on a vicious “I fantasize about” match has ensued.

So I throw it to you World…read the top 20 “fantasies” below, and then comment and let us know who you think is dominating the battle. (pppssssttt….. over here…come here… Hey, if you pick me I’ll give you a giraffe and my kids for the summer. Just sayin’!)

And now…..the top 20 “Fantasies” between @ieatmykidzsnack and @whyisdaddycryin:

WhyIsDaddyCrying:I fantasize about you getting wet every time Pinocchio tells a lie.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize asking you to play rock, paper, scissors and you bringing me crack, rolling papers and lesbians. You are sick.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying:I fantasize about you getting a colonic and 7 gerbils, 2cats and Gary Coleman come out.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize your wife telling you she wants Stove Top Stuffing & you waiting in the kitchen with your pants down all day.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: I fantasize about you running a prosperous business smuggling families of Mexicans across the border in your vagina.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize going on the Amazing Race with you and trading your passport for weed.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about swapping your bong water out with cat urine.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize that you keep Snausages in your boxer briefs so dogs lick your crotch.” 

WhyIsDaddyCrying: I fantasize that you make Susan Boyle look like Jennifer Aniston standing next to you.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you drunkenly pissing in your Neti Pot and forgetting before you use it to clear your sinuses.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: I fantasize about Octomom and Justin Bieber getting restraining orders against you?”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you taking too many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and it falling asleep.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying:I fantasize about you running down a flower-covered hill like Laura Ingalls only with 3 bears & a giraffe chasing after you.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going for acupuncture but end up getting gender reassignment surgery.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: I fantasize about you calling Sarah Palin's daughter regularly for life advice.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going to Chuck E. Cheese and getting shanked with a spork by a 3 year old.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying:I fantasize about you going in to the dentist & them reading your chart wrong & stapling your vagina shut permanently.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going on Fear Factor & having 3 minutes to eat a bull’s testicles & time running out with one bite left.”

WhyIsDaddyCrying: I fantasize about your therapist giving you up for Lent.”

IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you needing a taint episiotomy.”

OK world…judge us.

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Reader Comments (47)

I think this battle of wits is my most favorite part of Twitter. They are even more hilarious to read all strung together. I want tee-shirts with at least half those quips on them for Christmas please.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

This one puts IEatMyKidzSnack over the top:

“I fantasize you taking too many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and it falling asleep.”

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEarl

IEatMyKidzSnack the foulness from a female alone give her the win in my book... so unexpected - yet awesome!

it rocks that you have a top 20 list!

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDaDa Rocks!

if we vote will you still keep these going? sometimes its the only funny thing on twitter!

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterskamp

Schindler's List was funnier than anything I read there.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPetey

IEatMyKidzSnack wins hands down. You give good Tweet,but face it. Her one-liner started the whole damn thing. If it were not for here jazz hands and orgasm taunt....this whole war would not have ensued. You won some of the battles, but she, my dear, has won the war. LOL!

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLadyWanderlust

My winner would be:
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting a colonic and 7 gerbils, 2cats and Gary Coleman come out.”

with a close runner up of:
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about your therapist giving you up for Lent.”

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

She had me at "Stove Top Stuffing"

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@TheHaj

I'm voting for you because a.) You obviously need the support and b.) I really want a giraffe.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAndie Reid

I hate to do this, because I actually like the both of you (and follow you both) but IEatMyKidzSnack is my fellow Heeb lovah.

I gotta go with my girl.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDysfunction Junction

This is why I live my life online.


I love you both!! You make me laugh till I cry!! Thanks!

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Funny doesn't cover this!! Oh my gosh I want to show this to the world so the world will lighten up. You guys rock.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKim

You are the SHIT!!!! :)

Ok, can I have your kids now? Thanks. I look forward to a great summer with them. Oh my goodness. And the giraffe. I can't believe I almost forgot about the giraffe!

But for real... y'all are both so funny. How do you even come up with this stuff? Do you sit by the computer for hours trying to think of the next "I fantasize" thing? Or does it happen when you least expect it, for example, did IEatMyKidzSnack think of the Chuck E. Cheese one whilst at Chuck E Cheese with the kiddos? And then did she write it down on a little notepad to make sure she wouldn't forget it??? These are the questions that fill my day.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDeah

WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you going in to the dentist & them reading your chart wrong & stapling your vagina shut permanently.”

That one wins the contest because dentists don't staple vagina's shut. That's what the hygenist is for.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJen O.

I've quite enjoyed the battle between you two...but I gotta say, she's winning this one

Good luck in Round 2...or are you at Round 100 by now?

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

the gary coleman line... fantastic. whyisdaddycrying for the win

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternate (natelopez53)

I'm afraid I'm for the lady. See, if you were a gentleman, you'da let her make her comment and then just cast her an enigmatic look which made HER wonder. THEN you would have won the skirmish, battle and the whole darn war. So now you know, you can go practice, huh. ;)

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

You're both too funny so the only way to settle this is to go round two.

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

I have watched this battle of the minds over twitter and often thought...I hope they like each other! It's been funny to say the least.
Ieatmykidzsnack wins with the stove top stuffing hands down!

March 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

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