I Fantasize About You....
Thursday, March 18, 2010 at 8:47AM So a few months ago I started “following” on Twitter this ballsy, cunning, and very funny lady named @IEatMyKidzSnack. She’s kind of like a mix between a sleeping lioness, a unicorn spewing Skittles, and that chick from college who did nothing but take bong hits and spew phenomenal one-liners that had you pissing your pants in laughter.
Her Tweets are hilarious but if you choose to talk directly to her, you better buckle-up and get ready. She’ll tell it like it is, wrapping up her 140-character response with one of her many endearing patented adjectives like “lover” or “assjacket.”
Anyway, enough about her (oh, she has a blog too. Go check her Electrical Box.)
One dark and dreary day I got a tweet from her that read:
“I fantasize you do ‘jazz hands’ after you orgasm.”
Anyone who knows me understands that when you drop a bomb on me like that…I’m gonna obsess over retaliation. So I thought…and thought…and then dropped on her:
“I fantasize about you Googling something and it returning 100,000 ‘go fuck yourself’ results.”
From that point on a vicious “I fantasize about” match has ensued.
So I throw it to you World…read the top 20 “fantasies” below, and then comment and let us know who you think is dominating the battle. (pppssssttt….. over here…come here… Hey, if you pick me I’ll give you a giraffe and my kids for the summer. Just sayin’!)
And now…..the top 20 “Fantasies” between @ieatmykidzsnack and @whyisdaddycryin:
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting wet every time Pinocchio tells a lie.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize asking you to play rock, paper, scissors and you bringing me crack, rolling papers and lesbians. You are sick.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting a colonic and 7 gerbils, 2cats and Gary Coleman come out.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize your wife telling you she wants Stove Top Stuffing & you waiting in the kitchen with your pants down all day.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you running a prosperous business smuggling families of Mexicans across the border in your vagina.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize going on the Amazing Race with you and trading your passport for weed.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about swapping your bong water out with cat urine.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize that you keep Snausages in your boxer briefs so dogs lick your crotch.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize that you make Susan Boyle look like Jennifer Aniston standing next to you.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you drunkenly pissing in your Neti Pot and forgetting before you use it to clear your sinuses.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about Octomom and Justin Bieber getting restraining orders against you?”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you taking too many licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and it falling asleep.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you running down a flower-covered hill like Laura Ingalls only with 3 bears & a giraffe chasing after you.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going for acupuncture but end up getting gender reassignment surgery.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you calling Sarah Palin's daughter regularly for life advice.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going to Chuck E. Cheese and getting shanked with a spork by a 3 year old.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you going in to the dentist & them reading your chart wrong & stapling your vagina shut permanently.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you going on Fear Factor & having 3 minutes to eat a bull’s testicles & time running out with one bite left.”
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about your therapist giving you up for Lent.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you needing a taint episiotomy.”
OK world…judge us.
Chuck E. Cheese, Fear Factor, Gary Coleman, Sarah Palin, blogging, colonic, jazz hands
Reader Comments (47)
These are the two best ones IMO:
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting a colonic and 7 gerbils, 2cats and Gary Coleman come out.”
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize your wife telling you she wants Stove Top Stuffing & you waiting in the kitchen with your pants down all day.”
Great stuff - both of you :)
You know I love you both and look for the "I fantasize" tweets every day but sorry Daddy, gotta go with my girl, if only cause she scares the shit out me :-)
Swapping bong water for cat pee. Classic. One vote for Whyisdaddycrying!
I think it's a close race but this one sealed tyhe deal for me:
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about you getting a colonic and 7 gerbils, 2cats and Gary Coleman come out.”
I'm sorry. She totally pwned you
I collect giraffes so it's tempting, but I gotta go with my girl 'Snacks.
“I fantasize you going to Chuck E. Cheese and getting shanked with a spork by a 3 year old.”
Partly because it was thanks to her that I started following you too, and partly because I'm afraid she'll shank me at the McDonald's playland.
I have to say, I just found out about you in the past few weeks, and I've loved every thing I've read. This was hands down the funniest. While I never noticed (before this) the battle that you and Ieatmykidzsnack have had ... I'm going to watch much more closely.
With that being said, remind you I love what you write... and quite frankly I don't need to more kids I have two boys and that is PLENTY for me, even too much some times ... if I vote for you, you could take mine?
Well since I'm half in love with you both, it's a pretty tough call. But at the end of the day I have to go with IEMKS becuse when SHE says to shut up or she'll cut me, I really believe her. When you say it, I just think you're adorable.
... shit I accidently clicked "Create Post"
As I was saying, I though you guys were both really close ... until I read Ieatmykidzsnack's “I fantasize your wife telling you she wants Stove Top Stuffing & you waiting in the kitchen with your pants down all day.”
Wow. Just Wow. I don't know enough internet lingo to express how hard I laughed. LOL LMAO LMFAO ROLF COTFLGOHAHA ROFLOLBAG
Either way, she won.
omfg just laughed so hard i peed! you got my vote daddy you are "da bomb"
I would say it's a draw. I would also like to add that your followers should chime in about their fantasies.
i.e. I fantasize tying up IEatMyKidzSnack and WhyIsDaddyCrying naked, facing each other , smothered in peanut butter with one cyanide laced suppository in a closed off room with Justin Bieber singing 'My Way' 24/7. Let the games begin.
I love this! I'm now following @ieatmykidzsnack so I can adjudicate somewhat over your competition!
Get a poll going!
seriously love it hmm and instead of u giving me your kids if i say u win how about u take mine #justsaying
-->Fantastic! I think you have the win but it was a close one.
Sorry, @WhyIsDaddyCryin. You know I think you are great and everything. But, the rock, paper, scissors tweet pretty much has gone into history. I have it posted in my bathroom when I need a pick-me-up. Seriously. I still laugh and its been 3 weeks.
I am so out of my league. I must say my favorites are:
WhyIsDaddyCrying: “I fantasize about your therapist giving you up for Lent"
IEatMyKidzSnack: “I fantasize you needing a taint episiotomy.”
IEAT has my vote.
I eat my kidz snacks... hands down. Oh, my hands are already down..gotta go!
I have to go with my girl kidz snacks...why, because she loves the gays and we lve to shave asses. She has watched and she would like my anus if need be...she's cool like that!
Sorry, but have to go with the lady on this one. She did pwn you with the stovetop stuffing line.