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My Little Rat Bastards

We can’t have nice things and we all might as well be naked.

Anyone with kids knows this fact. Nothing is sacred anymore.

Peeing at the toilet—you might as well be peeing at half court during the NCAA tournament.

Furniture—globs of dried snot, food, and baby jesus knows what else all over it. Yeah, you want to come visit me now don’t you?

Car—it looks like a muddy soccer game took place while a Crayola factory exploded inside my Nissan.

Nothing’s off limits with these damn kids.

The daughter’s just a messy beast.

She’s broken long-standing records of being able to completely trash a room at mach speed. Sunday morning the wifey was busy defending herself from my quest for morning sex while we continued to hear the pitter-patter of the daughter’s feet back and forth between her room and downstairs.

When I finally surrendered and decided to go make coffee I walked down stairs only to find a massive doll house, two baby doll cribs, five Zhu Zhu pets and two dozen stuffed animals being read-to by my daughter, and what looked like the biggest cat-fight between a gaggle of Barbies strewn all over the couch. Oh, and she apparently had “breakfast cooking for us” on the toy stove, refrigerator, and sink that was set up in the middle of the room. All toys she gathered from her room and the basement into our living room.

The boy is a damn disgusting, snot-filled tornado.

When he has a cold he refuses to breathe through his mouth so all you hear snot being shuffled around in his nose as bubbles randomly escape. He loves to crawl on the floor of public places; go under tables at dinner; touch nasty, dirty things laying on the ground; and every one of his shirts and coats have crusted sleeves from constantly rubbing them along his nose.

And unfortunately he inherited the profound skill of being able to just flat-out break shit. When I was dating the wifey in high school, I broke lamps, chairs, tables, dishes and so much else at her mother’s house.

The finest example of my son’s skill I can provide are these three lovely trophies sampled from the boy’s trophy collection.

This baseball trophy used to sport one kick-ass bat that actually made t-ball look like the manliest sport ever invented.

I loved this bobble-head soccer didn't even survive the car ride home before his head sprung out of joint making him look like Rain Man trophy.

This Pele-looking bad ass flying through the air to score the deciding game-winning goal lost his foot a while back. We have it in a baggy sitting next to the trophy in the boy's room.

But I wouldn’t have them any other way. Despite seeing the girl licking the window on the train heading into the city… Despite the boy picking up a lonely discarded M&M along the street and eating it… Despite the fact every time you tickle my daughter she sounds like a Whoopee cushion going off… Despite the fact my boy won’t let me see him naked, but every time I pee he’s right there staring… I wouldn’t change a damn thing about them.

They’re disgusting, dirty, hilarious and beautiful. They’re my rat bastard kids.

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Reader Comments (18)

Parenthood.Don't you love it?hahaha.:) My son has a similar problem (that he inherited from me)-Breaking glasses.Anytime I have a favorite drinking glass, rest assured, I won't have it long. CRASH! on the floor.LOL

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy southernlady75

Haha...the sacrifices we make as parents. We would have dull lives without our kids. Love this post, and look forward to my girls growing into said rat bastard kids.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

The bobble-head Rain Man trophy made me pee a little bit. Too funny!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

I have a girl and am currently working with her to tone down how much force she uses to empty her bladder. I'm tired of cleaning the toilet if it's not my mess!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

Ahhh ,thank god it's not just me !!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMike

At 2, my son had the disgusting habit of licking grocery carts. When he was 3, I discovered a shiny, crusty booger collection on the wall by his bed. Now that he's 12, he mostly just breaks stuff, eats a lot, and has no bodily modesty whatsoever. I still love his guts.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterwillendorfVenus

My laughter upon reading this was like a snowball from hell that started at the tippy top of Mt. Everest and came crashing down on top of a Minnie Mouse camp for high-strung, hyper teenage girls. Damn you @WIDC, DAMN YOU! I have to go see my Supervisor now (again) for reading your "disgusting, dirty, hilarious and beautiful" blog posts at the front desk.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIHavDefx

That "Rainman Trophy" comment just made me spit my tea out!!

Great blog!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBen

I think breaking shit is one of the few skills kids are actually born with. Their gross out abilities are nothing to scoff at either. I actually saw a little boy at Wal Mart licking the glass shield that surrounds the meat and it grossed me out until I looked down and saw my 2 year old "swimming" on the floor of that meat department. It's like living with little petrie dishes and your constantly fighting off the spores growing on them. I have to admit though, it is kind of entertaining and they won't be able to enjoy the world so freely forever.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersabreena

It's funny my girls sound like Whoopee cushion too.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkevin

My husband breaks more shit than the kids combined.

I might get rid of him.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZak

I couldn't have said it better! I only have one child, but she makes up for two. Bratty comments are rampant at my house. I can rest assured that she will make them in public, too. I swear sarcasm is her second language and she's only 7 (going on 20). At the ripe old age of 4, she tried to drive. Not once, but twice. I was the "good kid." So, what the hell did I do to deserve this?

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrandiLeAnn

Awesome post WIDC!!! My 4yo twin girls can drag every toy from their room and their brother's room into the living room, dress up in Princess costumes, set up a Princess tent, hire their 2yo brother as the chef in the toy kitchen, teach their Zhu Zhu pets how to use a sit 'n' spin, cast all of their stuffed animals in their production of Beauty and the Beast (or Little Mermaid or Sleeping Beauty or Cinderella), and build a Clip-o castle, all while never taking their eyes off of whatever's on PBS Kids. And usually in about 15 minute's time. But they're incredibly smart and imaginative and, like you, I wouldn't change them for anything!

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMom2ATeam

AWESOME. You totally hit the nail right on the head. We have four boys, so the snot production in this house is INSANE. If I sit down anywhere I better want to stay awhile because chances are I'll be glued to the seat by thick globs of nastiness.

March 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCyndi @ 6 Ring Circus

You SO have a new subscriber. Yes, children are DISGUSTING. They are dirty, smell bad and yes, break things. MY things. EVERY thing. But God love 'em... I wouldn't change a thing. I will never forget having a co-worker ride shotgun with me for a quick 7-11 coffee trip at lunch time. I pulled in to my space, turned off the car and he said, "Uhmmmm, is that a BOOGER on your dashboard?" Sigh. Yes. It is a huge booger sitting right there on my dash. I was saving it for later. This guy didn't have kids yet. He now has a baby. I can't wait.

March 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKatherine

You just made me feel normal with this post....glad to hear its happening to others. I was afraid this was only happening to me!

I still cannot figure out how they trash the room so fast!!

March 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter"MoJo"

I was dirty like this too when I was a brat child. The good news is by the time your boy is an adult he will be immune to everything and get sick maybe once a year.

March 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChristian

And we wondered why our grandparents wrapped their furniture in plastic! There's not much point in furnishing our homes with cool expensive stuff...just buy stuff from Big Lots or we'll end up with plastic covered furniture, too. Or maybe we should just have plastic furniture. Or cover our kids in plastic.

March 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

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