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My Son's Balls Are Making Him Competitive

Everything is a freakin’ competition with the boy these days. EVERYTHING!!

Going to the car. Daughter gets elbowed from behind and face-plants as the boy flies by to be the first to a door that is still locked and holds not a single trophy for him on the other side.

Walking down stairs….it’s like watching a murder scene in slow motion as he plows by me, throws his sister against the banister and jumps the last five steps so he can crash himself to the floor and claim victory as carnage and blood drip down the stairs in his wake.

Taking a shower. Within two minutes of walking out of the bathroom, I’ll hear the water cut-off and “daddy I’m finished!!!” echoes through the house till it finds my vulnerable eardrums a mere three seconds before ultimate relaxation comes over me. I vow to tape record this so when he’s a teenager and spends a half hour masturbating washing in the shower, I can prove that he has the ability to take one quickly.

Drinking his milk. The daughter doesn’t even like milk…so who the fuck is he racing? He’ll choke it down…white shit spewing from his nose, eyes watering like hell, slam the cup on the table and announce, “finished!!” while still breathing hard and sporting one kick-ass milk mustache. And for what?!

Playing Wii. I’m gonna just throw the damn thing away. I’m determined not to let him win all the time so that he learns to be a respectful loser, but damn….it’s like getting kicked in the nuts every two minutes. It’s painful and makes me cry, fall to my knees and want my mommy to hold me.

I’m competitive, but nothing like this. Is it the red hair? Is it his balls? That’s what it’s gotta be…those tiny little marbles of his are probably working overtime growing, expanding…. It’s like Donald Trump moved into my kids sac, started building skyscrapers everywhere, and decided to run for mayor, start his own TV show, take over the circulatory system, and overthrow his brain chemistry all in one foul swoop.

And the daughter totally provokes it. We’ll be on our way out the door to go somewhere and the boy will be off chasing something shiny in a corner. Then the daughter gets that evil grin and says, “Grrraaaayyyssooonnn….. I’m gonna be first to the caaaaarrrrr.”

And his head will poke up from behind the couch, and immediately he springs to his feet, vaults the ottoman, ducks and slides under my waiting arm to stop him, slams his sister against the front step railing, falls on concrete but turns it into a tumble, and slams into the car door, flipping around claiming victory! And behind him is a pissed dad, a mother picking up a bleeding, crying daughter, and a cat slowly slipping out of the house through the wide-open door while everyone’s distracted.

I just hope someday his competitiveness can be brought under control, harnessed, and used to make mommy and daddy rich beyond their wildest dreams. Until then…..I’ll I guess I’ll just write about it.

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Reader Comments (17)

its the red hair ... and it is your punishment for all those times you pissed your Mom off enough for her to invoke the ultimate Mom curse ... "One day I hope you have a kid JUST LIKE YOU!"

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

Omg and I seriously thought it was just MY Boys!!!

Try having two boys, two years apart.... the testosterone and competitive nature NEVER ENDS!!!!!!!!!!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMJ

It's not the red hair. I have a red-headed son and he isn't the slightest bit competitive. That might be because I'm not competitive either so any one-upmanship doesn't raise an eyebrow in our house. Or it could be this ridiculous mentality over here in the UK that It's-not-the-winning-that's-important,-it's-the-taking-part. S-U-R-E ... that'll be why we win so many gold medals at the Olympics then, right??
Friends of ours have 2 boys who are about the MOST competitive little ball-bags on God's green earth. One of them, I swear, would give your Grayson a run for his money. The kid drives me insane and I confess, I've burst his balloon a time or two cuz I got tired of listening to his drivel.
Never mind the balls problem, have you had the wood discussion yet? My son (9) announced to me yesterday morning in church - in the middle of a hymn - that his penis was all big, and entreated me to "look at it mummy". *Sigh*, there are some things we mothers do above and beyond the call, lemme tell you!! And now you've reminded me about the shower adventures ... *sigh*

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

That shit is hilarious. My kid is being competitive too. I remember when I used to beat him on video games. Now... the shame the shame.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

Oh, boys....oh, boys who have siblings. It's human nature...someone has to be the winner and someone has to eat the other's dust. I swear if I hear anymore about who did what faster, better, quicker, louder (even farting has become part of the Mac Olympics)...whatever...I am gonna strangle a Mac. Love my Macs, but this competition drives me insane. I am SO not competitive. I just don't get it. Hang in there, Lisa

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisaB (LadyWanderlust)

I have a red-head and she's not the least bit competitive. I also have a son and he's not competitive, so it's not the balls. That leaves genes or a chemical imbalance in his brain. lol

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterEverrose

Wow! Now that I am done wiping the tears from my eyes, I am giving you a standing ovation on that imagery. It brings back fond memories of my childhood with my sister who is 5 years older than me. I love you man <3.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

It is the red hair. My son has it too, but he's only 18 mos so it's manifested currently as "spunk."
The pediatrician says, "he has a little bit of fire in him."
Good story. It makes me look forward for things to come...except for the bloody part.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLori Wescott

Thank god I just one girl to deal with!! Great blog kiddo!!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvionicsMan

He's awesome. Get that boy in football and you've got college all paid for!

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

My eldest daughter has the same problem, and her sister provokes it too! I thought it was ADD, or that she adopted my "kill to win leaving destruction in my wake" competitive nature as a child. Now, I'm rethinking this theory... She has auburn/red hair.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkitterztoo

Could your son come over and give my son a kick in the ass? Our 6 year old hasn't an ounce of competitiveness in him. He still picks daisies on the soccer field, as the other teams runs the ball right by him into the goal. However, our three year old son is hyper-competitive and is already kicking his brother's ass in every sport and every Wii game. And when he loses to a Mii or to his older brother, he about puts any nearby object through the television, including himself. Yes, #2 has balls of steel and a major testosterone overload it seems.

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

Love this post. Also love that is is tagged with "balls" "blood" and "milk."

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

OMG that shit is hilarious!! I litterally just laughed myself to tears. My son is almost as bad so I can totally relate. In his case, it's totally genetic (his father's side, of course). He excels at speed eating. He shovels the food in his mouth like he thinks it's going to run away just to be able to comment about how slow his sister is. By the way, I like the new blog design :)

December 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I seem to remember two other little (now big) boys who did the same thing and had ( have ) the same kind of relationship. There was this kid who played soccer and kicked trashcans, ran over teammates, blew away any sailor with his language when plays did not suit him. I think their father's genes kicked in and paid no attention to their hair color or what sex they were. You will handle it and one day that competiveness will pay off. Yours did!!

December 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermom2boys

I always figured it was just a boy thing. Both of my boys have to be the first everywhere. They even try to cram in to be the first in the house when we get back form being out, and they don't even have the keys to unlock the door!

December 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

cjaxon - I have no doubt my current life is filled with paybacks from much much shit I did as a kid and that time, with the elephant..

MJ - no, I don't wanna imagine that... my brother and I destroyed everything in our path for 18 years solid...i'm so glad I have a little lady in the house...

Jabulani - when you write your comments to me they're clearly a conscious stream of thought...but jesus christ I hope you don't talk to your husband like that....if so, you might wanna check his ears for cotton. I love you lady!!

mepsipax - I know...the boy kicks my ass occasionally in Mario Kart and it hurts real bad like...

LisaB - I bet I can fart louder and longer than you!!!

Everrose - so you're telling me Donald Trump is NOT taking over my son's nut sac? phew...thank the lord...I was feeling a little weird about The Don and his quaf taking over the boy's bits like that.

MamaBennie - I love you lady...

Lori Wescott - yeah...the blood and screaming will erase all the positives of having a little dude tear and rip through life... Enjoy!

AvionicsMan - thanks my man!

Lotta - this spring...he will be playing football, and I'll need you to distract the wifey while I sign him up!

kitterztoo - I'm telling's the just does something to the little bastards

Michelle - sounds like how my brother and I, competitive...him, reading books and not giving a rats ass....just the roll of the dice I guess..

Lady of the House - sometimes when I'm sad...I go back through my old posts and re-read my tags...then I smile, although sometimes I smile because I have gas...

Kat - hey thanks!'s gonna change! as for speed eating..yeah, my son goes painfully slowly at all the things we WANT him to be fast at...

mom2boys - that you dog gonnit!!!

Amanda - I feel your pain sister...we have dents everywhere from where the kids have slammed themselves into locked door just to be the first...

December 8, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

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