My Life Scripted
Friday, October 30, 2009 at 7:14AM "Hey Bob, how you doin'?"
"So uhh..are we in New York now?" I said as I looked around for some laughter, but everyone was looking at their feet.
"Hahahha man you're funny...you're a funny guy. And the Yankees suck!!"
"I'm actually a Yankees fan so that kinda pisse...."
"Hey yeah whatever, so listen. Can you pull together that PowerPoint presentation by tomorrow instead of next week? I gotta present it and it's crunch time! You gotta play to get paid right?!!!" and if it couldn’t get any worse he raises his hand to fucking high-five me!
"Sure...ahhh...sure thing. I'll knock that.."
"You're a team player...you da man!!..," he interrupts as he walks away spotting his next victim.
Fighting the urge to run outside and spend an hour kicking kittens, I jump right in to work….
Later, I come home, happy to see the family, hug the lil’ bastards, hear how everyone’s day was rough cause Samantha wouldn’t color with a green crayon, and cause Teddy wouldn’t throw the kickball slow enough for him….and then I head to the kitchen. I grab a beer…open it…slug back a few sips…set it down….catch my breath for a second…then turn and see this:
Yeah..that’s right…my day scripted. I busted my ass all day Sunday, I get a comp-day, I decide to use it on Friday – my son’s birthday and what does the wifey do?!!! Oh…oh I’ll tell you for fuck’s sake. She signs me up at not just my son’s school, but my daughter’s school to “volunteer” to work parties and shit.
So, in my head I planned, sleep….wake-up, take the kids to school, sleep, wake-up, run, bike, shower, go to store, buy all their Snuggies, burn the Snuggies, talk to Jennifer Aniston for an hour on Skype, make a deal with PlayGirl for $1 million to model for them, sleep, pick kids up, play and have fun, buy son sushi for his birthday dinner, open presents, twit pic and comment back on all the people who said he’s adorable, put the kids to bed, walk around the house naked in front of the wifey, and go to bed with no sex.
But in wifey’s head – my day goes like this – wake up, tell wifey she’s beautiful, let her kick me in the shins, get kids dressed, feed kids, take kids to school, meet wife at parking lot near her work so she can kick me in the shins, volunteer at both kids’ schools, pick kids up from school, do laundry, make dinner, bathe kids, put kids to bed, rub wife’s back while telling her how all men suck, pick out wife’s clothes for the next day, sing a sonnet to the wifey as she drifts off to sleep, then go to bed.
The moral of the story…honestly I don’t know…I guess all I can say is…kick-ass lady-folk that read this…don’t make a fucking chalkboard list of shit for your hubby to do on his day off. And for shit-sake, don’t volunteer him for crap on his day off. Let the man breathe.
And if you ‘re reading this honey..I love you schnookums… P.S. umm…can uh…can we “do it” tonight?
beer, blackboard, husband, kids, wife
Reader Comments (12)
I made lists for my husband which he told me he can't read cuz he's dyslexic and can't read my cursive. So I rewrote the list in capitals, which he CAN read. And he just ignored ... ooops, no sorry, he "didn't see". I'm not sure how since the bloody list was wrapped around his glasses which he had to rescue from the paper before he went to work, so tell me please, how he "missed" it??
I cut him no slack on this issue since at least twice - yes 2 TIMES - the lists/notes have been very important and when the effluent hit the impellor because he'd ignor... er, missed... the list/note, it suddenly somehow became my fault for not telling him.
So sweet cheeks, I'm with wifey on this one. In your defence tho, you do a damn site more than my hubs does. If I asked him to do half the things you do, he'd vaporise me with a single Star Trek look!! But he does cook a mean beef wellington, so perhaps I shouldn't winge too loudly huh?
Ouch that is rough. I don't sign the hubby up for anything, cuz he would rip my head off LITERALLY. I don't make lists for him either, because I hate making "to do" lists. I hope you at least get to "do it" for all the crap you have just went through.
I have to say.. your day sounds pretty awesome..for a guy.. lol
She just didnt want you to forget everything going on today, that's all! I have a huge to do list for hubby, but decided to clean the house and cook dinner when I hand it to him, along with a cold beer :)
We have a shared Google calendar and I swear Kevin has changed the password.
I gotta get me one these chalkboards! Damn!
:)
I don't make my husband lists only because I don't want him to make me a list in return. I know better. Although he is smart enough to ask what our plans for the weekend are before the weekend commences.
For a very funny person there is this slightly dark sinister undertone in this blog....someone has crossed the line, I sense (yes, I admit I enjoyed my psychology classes a little too much, humor me). And then, there it is, WhyIsDaddyCryin in all his hilarity in your version of how a comp day should go. You can't keep a good man down. Skype with your girl Jenn for an hour etc, etc? Ahhhh, you kill me every time! Thanks
Jabulani - you exhaust me sometimes woman. Here's the solution...put the list in his wallet, then call him later and remind him it's in his wallet. Done! You owe me a bottle of whiskey for that.
MamaBennie - yes..she did let me see her naked for 2.3 seconds! It was totally worth it too!!
Jessica...I'd expect no other answer from you than that..
Myturtledove - Kelli - I feel soooo bad for Jeff. Seriously...I can only imagine how incredibly long that to-do list that he gets everyday from you. And it never ends....
Page - you have married the smartest man alive...
KImJenkins - noooo!!! and but if you do, don't tell your man you got the idea here...me no wanna get my ass kicked!!
Amanda - damn...see...now you just gave me an awesome idea. I'm totally making a list for the wifey starting today!!
Bridgette - are you trying to psychoanalyze me? cause if you are...can I lay down and close my eyes first?!
Ohh..I hear that! We have chalk boards, picture boards and whatever else is in the wife's head. That is why I use the excuse that I have to work late! It works wonders. On weeks when friends or family ask me what I have going on....I point them to the wife. It doesn't make sense for me to even begin to think that I can do something I want!
BTW my wife is napping and I am up staring at a sink full of dishes!
Mike - I feel your pain brother...they should start support groups and shit for dudes like us...as long as there's beer, damn good music, sports on TV, and a kickass poker game going - then it would be a support group I could get behind.
See now I saw that as helpful list of pick up and drop off times. Oh, and a ltitle peek into what her life is like when she's home with the kids. But that's me...