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Sex & The Snuggie

I got a glimpse last night into what my winter will be like. Let me rephrase that…what my sex life will be like this winter.

My wife is sick right now. I fell badly for her because she’s clearly not feeling well. She tries to help around the house, but all I see through my insane, fucked-up way of thinking is her spreading germs all over the house.

Last night I’m hanging out, just finished putting the little bastards to sleep, when it happens. The wifey descends from upstairs and flops down on the other end of the couch wearing the big, blue, stupid, frock looking, Snuggie. Yeah the real Snuggie.

Now…she knows I hate the Snuggie. She knows the first time I saw an ad for the Snuggie I picked up the TV and threw it out the front window. She knows that the very site of the Snuggie makes me want to take a flamethrower to it. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. But what am I going to do? She’s sick, and achy, and clearly wanted to get warm.

Then I suddenly became paralyzed with a sudden formula:

Comfort + Warmth = Snuggie cock-blocking all winter long.

She’s never going to take this thing off again. It will forever be the oversized sheath covering wifey and keeping us from the wonderful world of whoopie-making. It will become one with her. Once the children are tucked nicely in bed, she will shroud this magnificent piece of marketing bullshit around her body making her impenetrable to any and all efforts me and my little fella make towards sexual bliss.

I know, I’re thinking, “well climb in there with her you idiot.” No..for a few reasons...

1) I hate the fucking Snuggie and don’t even want it touching me.

2) Wifey is clausterphobic and would be miserable with her and me in the Snuggie

3) I hate the fucking Snuggie and don’t even want it touching me.

And there’s no such thing as a crotchless Snuggie. There’s no Velcro strap that can be removed and placed back once the deed is done. There’s no flaps up top like women’s breast-feeding bra flaps.

My anger for the Snuggie has now reached new dimensions.

You’re on notice Snuggie. I will fuck you up. You will die. I will watch you burn, Twitter about it, TwitPic the whole thing, blog about it, then burry your ass in the alley where I can drive over your remains every day. You’re dead to me and I’m coming for you…….

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Reader Comments (19)

haha we still need to have that snuggie bonfire! I wish to burn every one in existance. A regular blanket works just fine thank you, and it is a lot easier.

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

I don't know dude. I bet Chicago has more snuggies per capita than any other place in the U.S.

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSteve B

I do have a sewing machine and some velcro tape if you wanted to perform some "alterations".

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

And yes. I'm pretty sure she's gonna be living in that Snuggie. And I predict you'll cave soon too. You all were saying it was cold when it was only 60 out.

Says the lady that was born in Green Bay, WI.

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

I am even more excited than ever to get me a Snuggie!!

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJeni~Duchess of Blog

What if she got the animal print Snuggie? Would that be more conducive to some hot monkey Snuggie lovin'?

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

omg, lol! - I just had to use the link to find out exactly what a snuggie was - we dont have anything quite like that over here (UK) but if we did, LAST thing on earth I would touch with a barge pole. oh yeah. they look like vicar's robes - on happy pills. lol. BURN IT!!!x

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterpepperkat

Ah, my brother, if you can't beat them, join them. On sale now.

Love the picture of the kid in the open diaper. you kill me.

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter@gratefulkim

I totally agree with you except I don't mind being inside the snuggie with my man. I first heard of the snuggie in January and I wrote this in a blog post "I hope they are going to come out with a double Snuggie. A Love Bird Snuggie, two people can climb inside of and get to down to business. Otherwise, the Snuggie may be the modern day chasity belt. Or some alternate form of birth control. Soon parents will be buying these for their teenage children."

October 8, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterWendy

MamaB - I couldn't agree more sister..I'm gonna burn the shit outta all I can get my hands on.

SteveB - I have no doubt this place is riddled with Snuggies and that alone pisses me off

Lotta - consider this putting my order in now for the velcro crotchless Snuggie. And HELL NO I won't ever give to that shit...that's why sex under the covers was invented

Duchess...and to think we were just getting to become such close go and pull the Snuggie card on our relationship. Well sister...I'm gonna have to say....I pick us without the Snuggie involved

Lisa - she could get a Snuggie covered in naked ladies that come to life and start participating in .....actually...actually that would be OK

thank the good English gods for you pepperkat....I couldn't agree more and the way you say it is so fucking time please record your comment and attach a wav file're such a faithful blog reader...thank you and I'm glad you like the links and I'm glad you click them....and lady...I will never....never join them

October 8, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

When we lived in Columbus our apartment didn't really have heat (just these barely working floorboard things) and I had the prequel to the snuggie. It was basically a giant clown suit, zip up thing made out of blanket material. It was just awful and I remember my husband also hating it, but it sure as hell kept me warm when it was 55 degrees in our apartment!

October 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslee Horner

I'm buying the whole family a snuggie!!

October 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKirsten

Leslee...while I do love you and hold your devotion to my blog close to my heart..I will forever blame you for the birth of the Snuggie and must be there when I kill my first Snuggie to make the circle of life complete.... P.S. - you really are the shit and the best ever!!!!

Kirsten...why?...seriously, why? you know that's the kind of statement that keeps me awake at night you hate me? do you want me dead? did I do something to your horse you don't like? what!?!!! why?!!!!

October 9, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

LMAO! Cock-blocking snuggie. That's hysterical. I hate those freaking things...they are just weird!

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Bare Essentials Today

I couldn't agree more Bare Essentials....I couldn't agree more. I think Cock-blocking Snuggie says it all

October 13, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

I totally wanted the snuggie, but then I came to my senses.....Have you seen that video on youtube called wtf blanket. I devoted an entire post to it haha. I think if you hate the snuggie as much as my husband then you'll enjoy this video.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBrittany

I loved the post.. that thing is definitely a cock block! I particularly love the img of the Mom and kids rooting on the dad throwing the tv.. good stuff!

October 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJess- MzFuller8

I think you should team up with the company and develop a more "user-friendly" version! If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
(Would you mind it touching you if it weren't blocking your enjoyment?)

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJb

>.< i got one for Christmas, i had to pretend like it was the most wonderful thing in the world, all the while i was thinking on who i can re-gift this piece of shit too..

December 27, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteror

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