Getting to Know WhyIsDaddyCrying
Tuesday, October 6, 2009 at 3:24PM I had a work related human resources question yesterday, and as it was being answered it made my mind wander back to what it would be like to be a human resources person and how awesome it would be to ask the questions that drives everyone fucking nuts!!
“What do you feel you will bring to our organization?”
“What are your strengths?”
“What is your biggest weakness.”
“Can you please take your shirt off and twirl around for me?”….oh…I probably should have said that in my brain I’m the HR person for a porn film company.
So then I thought…wouldn’t it be awesome to do a real interview and actually answer the dreaded “What is your biggest weakness?” question honestly?
Interviewer: So WhyIsDaddyCrying, what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: Really? Are you fucking serious? You’re really going to ask me this god-forsaken question. Fine ya douche…let me answer it…
It honestly depends on who you’re talking to. My wife – she’d tell you it’s in keeping my hands to myself. She’d say the ability to keep the palm of my hands from her breasts or ass as she tries to walk by me is absolutely vacant from my physical capabilities.
My friends…they’d have a laundry list of my biggest weaknesses:
- Inability to not use the word “fuck” in any sentence.
- Incapable of having a conversation without making the sound of a can of beer opening.
- Cannot go to a wedding without monopolizing the dance floor with a litany of yard dances.
- Twitches in public the point that people call 911 cause they think he’s having a seizure.
- Refers to women as “broads” except for when he’s talking to them face-to-face.
- Gets involved in serious conversations, then in the middle says, “oh, before I forget, here – I found this the other day for you” then reaches in his pocket and pulls his hand out with his middle finger sticking up.
- Is obsessed with being naked.
- Refuses to get the massive gap in his two front teeth fixed.
- Believes he’s fat…to the point he really should read “O Magazine” while watching Oxygen channel while wearing a skirt and bitching about the run in his pantyhose.
- Thinks it's OK to jump on a friend when they’re lying on the couch and dry-hump the hell out of them.
- When peeing in a public restroom at the same time as a friend, loves to say out loud so everyone can hear him – “my doctor said pretty soon I won’t have to the peel the scab off before I pee anymore. I can’t wait!!”
- Loves to walk next to his son, reach his foot around and kick him in the ass while acting like it wasn't him
- Periodically goes downstairs like everything's normal while wearing nothing but a pair of his wife's underwear
Does that answer your question or would you like me to continue.
Interviewer: Ummm…..well I…..you should probably gather your things and leave.
Me: Really? We’re not a match? That’s a shame because I really admire the mission of your organization and feel I could help drive a variety of strategic and successful initiatives under your leadership. Well..good luck to you anyway. In case you change your mind…let me reach in my pocket and get a business card for you……
Reader Comments (19)
LOL! I almost peed myself reading this. You are by far one of the most awesome people ever. O, and just for the record my husband does not have the ability to keep his hands to himself either. I don't really think any man does, so it really isn't a fault, it is a genetic quirk.
You pretty much nailed all the examples I would have given with the exception of insensibility (i.e. hitting a poor girl in the crosswalk with your car, yelling SORRY and then proceeding to drive off).
seriously funny. I think we'd be able to hang in real life :)
That pretty much sums it up. Except what you sound like when you say the word, "Stoopid (a squeak first between the gap.) Oh, and how you cut friends off mid-sentence when they are rambling with, "Shhhhh." Wouldn't want you to change any of it :)
You are the funniest man on the planet. I absolutely love the hyperlinks. How long does it take you to put a blog like this together? Dry humping your friends....absolutely hysterical!!!!!
You are funny dear sir, how much fun it must be to be your kids! And seriously, you are NOT fat! You look fabulous! (Isn't that what a girl's supposed to tell her girlfriend?)
And the thing about your wife I can totally relate. My husband and I have been making our marriage a priority over the past 6 months (going on dates and focusing on each other more). As a result what I used to call groping and get totally pissed off about, I now welcome. He reminds me everyday how funny it is how much my attitude has changed.
I would so hire you if I was the boss. You would bring a whole world of fun to the office. I mean, who wouldn't want someone to bring a "Pants Optional Friday" to the table??!! Love your writing style too -- you so have my sense of humor. In fact, you remind me of some of my super awesome guy friends from high school. Keep bringing the funny, my man! :-)
That explains a lot.
This is so you Justin,......time hasn't changed you one bit. Its taken me 4 years to clean my sentence structure not to use the F word! I didn't hire you, I inherited you, but nonetheless, life would have been oh so boring without you.....not to mention massively unproductvie! You rock, keep it up....second street is getting closer!
I actually had an interview today and had the PERFECT answer planned for that question. I was going to say that I tend to fall asleep on the job most days. Sadly he didn't ask me the question so I wasn't able to get this problem on the table. You can check out what I WAS going to do during my interview to entertain myself in my last blog post... I was too much of a wimp though. I guess I should cut my husband some slack with the ass grabbing. Seems he is not alone.
Thank you so much for never dry humping Todd or I. Does this mean we're not your actual friends though?
And dude - you are SO not fat! You are a giant however. I feel like I should sing "We're Off To See The Wizard!" whenever I stand next to you.
How bout hanging from a pipe in the hallway swinging back and forth in a red g string....pics coming soon....
Ummm....do you call that list weakness or utter and complete awesomeness? Why would you want to leave fuck out of a sentence? The sound of beer opening is like music and you just might get on America's Got Talent if you are as good as you say you are. And the being naked thing isn't a weakness unless you are naked while you are dry humping your friend on the couch. Unless your friends like that kind of thing. In that case, I am not sure that it is your weakness, so much as theirs.
MamaB - I agree..it's definitely a genetic thing...but umm..can you write my wife and tell her that and advise her to just give in? That'd be great - thanks!
Chuck - you and two others that remain nameless will never let me live that down. Hey - there were 12 people in the car, it was raining, and the windows were foggy. Plus, after she climbed down from the hood of my car, she walked away. Looked healthy to me.
Tracy - first round's on me - let's hook it up!!!!
Myturtledove - sshhhhhh...just shhhhhhh
Gratefulkim - usually takes me about 15 to 20 min. to knock out the blog once I get going. I'm so glad you like the links - I'm pretty confident that literally ones of people click on them....and that ones of people would be....YOU!!!! You damn rockstar!
Leslee - I'm going to DM you on Twitter later with my wife's phone number. Please call her and tell her the latter part of your comment so that maybe she'll be in the same frame of mind. That'd be greeeeaaatt.. mmmkay
And then we get to Nuckingfutsmama...so kind...so gentle...so apt to rip your balls off and show them to you at any moment. I'm glad you enjoy the bloggy blog and read me! I'm down with your's too woman.
Short commercial break - please visit http://mama2point0.wordpress.com/ she can turn water into wine. Now..back to the return comments...
Kathygee1....ummm...Ok thanks!
Karen - damn you were a kick-ass boss... Can you move up here, start a killer business and hire me again? Pretty please? I'll help you work fuck into all your sentences again?!! And Pants Optional Friday really is the bestest ever - just as nuckingfutsmama. Miss you lady!!! As for Second Street - only in my dreams.
Becca - I absolutely love that answer and would kill to hear someone use it. A step up from that would be..."my biggest weakness is that roughly around 2 p.m. every day, I typically give in to a overwhelming urge to touch myself in front of random groups of the elderly on their way to church. Other than that, I'm a top notch employee."
Lotta - when the hell are we hanging out again - it's been 6 days!!!! Tell Todd to please keep protection within reach...his day's comin'...oh...it's comin'
SteveB - leave it to you to always remember the red thong incident. Wifey burned that badboy long after she moved in with me after college. Oh the memories that bastard and I shared in public...
Another Hot Mess - I'd like to offer you two high-fives, three fist bumps, 2 Jager shots, a peak at my brother naked, and one sniff of my wife's pillow if you'll agree to recap all my blog posts as fucking awesome as you just did this one!!!
"Refers to women as “broads” except for when he’s talking to them face-to-face."
Why don't you give me this kind of respect???? At least try to while twitter-to-twitter next time!
"Refuses to get the massive gap in his two front teeth fixed."
This proves that guys just don't care and are secure in who they are.. I got mine fixed. I had to otherwise I felt like I would never find a guy. Turns out, I just lived around a bunch of stuck up douche bags.. go figure...
Believes he’s fat…to the point he really should read “O Magazine” while watching Oxygen channel while wearing a skirt and bitching about the run in his pantyhose."
I always knew you wore skirts...
When peeing in a public restroom at the same time as a friend, loves to say out loud so everyone can hear him – “my doctor said pretty soon I won’t have to the peel the scab off before I pee anymore. I can’t wait!!”
You should do this also with pants around ankles. like you're in kindergarten. You'll thank me later.
I love the scab one! If I had a penis I would totally steal it. Also do you really twitch in public?
too funny. I think you may be related to my husband. Or is may possibly just be a horny man thing with the grabbing of the ass and tits. I seriously just think our parts have a magnet that attract your hands...... lol
oh man, this was hilarious... I'm gonna call you "Twitchy McGrabbyHands" from now on.
My wife sent me the link to your blog. I almost fell out of my chair laughing! Hysterical!