I had a work related human resources question yesterday, and as it was being answered it made my mind wander back to what it would be like to be a human resources person and how awesome it would be to ask the questions that drives everyone fucking nuts!!
“What do you feel you will bring to our organization?”
“What are your strengths?”
“What is your biggest weakness.”
“Can you please take your shirt off and twirl around for me?”….oh…I probably should have said that in my brain I’m the HR person for a porn film company.
So then I thought…wouldn’t it be awesome to do a real interview and actually answer the dreaded “What is your biggest weakness?” question honestly?
Interviewer: So WhyIsDaddyCrying, what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: Really? Are you fucking serious? You’re really going to ask me this god-forsaken question. Fine ya douche…let me answer it…
It honestly depends on who you’re talking to. My wife – she’d tell you it’s in keeping my hands to myself. She’d say the ability to keep the palm of my hands from her breasts or ass as she tries to walk by me is absolutely vacant from my physical capabilities.
My friends…they’d have a laundry list of my biggest weaknesses:
- Inability to not use the word “fuck” in any sentence.
- Incapable of having a conversation without making the sound of a can of beer opening.
- Cannot go to a wedding without monopolizing the dance floor with a litany of yard dances.
- Twitches in public the point that people call 911 cause they think he’s having a seizure.
- Refers to women as “broads” except for when he’s talking to them face-to-face.
- Gets involved in serious conversations, then in the middle says, “oh, before I forget, here – I found this the other day for you” then reaches in his pocket and pulls his hand out with his middle finger sticking up.
- Is obsessed with being naked.
- Refuses to get the massive gap in his two front teeth fixed.
- Believes he’s fat…to the point he really should read “O Magazine” while watching Oxygen channel while wearing a skirt and bitching about the run in his pantyhose.
- Thinks it's OK to jump on a friend when they’re lying on the couch and dry-hump the hell out of them.
- When peeing in a public restroom at the same time as a friend, loves to say out loud so everyone can hear him – “my doctor said pretty soon I won’t have to the peel the scab off before I pee anymore. I can’t wait!!”
- Loves to walk next to his son, reach his foot around and kick him in the ass while acting like it wasn't him
- Periodically goes downstairs like everything's normal while wearing nothing but a pair of his wife's underwear
Does that answer your question or would you like me to continue.
Interviewer: Ummm…..well I…..you should probably gather your things and leave.
Me: Really? We’re not a match? That’s a shame because I really admire the mission of your organization and feel I could help drive a variety of strategic and successful initiatives under your leadership. Well..good luck to you anyway. In case you change your mind…let me reach in my pocket and get a business card for you……