I Need You Maury Povich!!!
Saturday, October 10, 2009 at 1:30PM Yesterday I was changing out of my work clothes in my room, when the boy came in and said, “daddy…I looove math.” I immediately got tears in my eyes, fell to my knees, and started sobbing. I knew right then and there….he couldn’t be my child.
I mean...just look at us both side by side!!
I rest my case.
So, I collected myself, rose to my feet…gave him a huge hug and said, “I’m proud of you. Keep it up…not everyone rocks like you do at math.” Then I walked passed him to find that hussy wife of mine.
She was on the computer in the basement…or should I say, her love communicator machine….when I found her. I said, “woman, we need to talk.”
She looked annoyed and said, “please stop calling me woman…and broad…that’s just so..”
“Look, this is more important right now. Tell me who the real dad is damn it,” I interrupted.
She shook her head and went back to what she was doing. “I’m serious!!!,” I yelled.
“What the hell are you talking about now?!”
“Grayson just said he likes math,” I belted out.
“You’re an idiot,” she said.
“You know, for years people have asked me, ‘where does your son’s red hair come from,’ and I’ve always joked saying, ‘the mailman I guess.’ And now he comes to me saying he loves math when I still think 2 + 2 = 3. What gives? Who’s the boy’s pop?”
“You seriously need help,” she said while giving me a dramatic pause, death look, followed by a “you’ve got 3 second to disappear before I fucking cut you” look.
I ran upstairs, kicked the cat out of my way, grabbed a beer, opened it and threw the bottle cap at our framed wedding invitation, snagged the laptop and immediately typed into Google, “Maury Show.” I was determined to get answers and if anyone could knock out a paternity test, Maury Povich could.
As I started plowing through the Maury website, desperately trying to figure out how to send that daytime TV god an email, Grayson came walking by and sat down to watch TV. I glanced up at him, then back at the screen…then back at him. He had those kick-ass freckles all over his cheeks and nose. It reminded me of when kids at school made fun of my freckles and would try to draw on me like they were connecting the dots. I smiled and chuckled cause the little bastard just couldn’t sit still…kinda like me. Then he did his little thing he does with his hands, something I spent half my childhood doing.
He could feel I was looking at him, so he looked at me and that’s when I saw those massive ears…the ones I clearly genetically burdened him with. That’s when it clicked…..my wife didn’t bang the mailman. She didn’t wanna keep me from ever duplicating any part of my idiotic self and hit the sperm bank. This little punk was mine…all mine!
I threw the computer off my lap, stood up and hugged the little guy. “I love you man,” I said.
As I put him down, the daughter came walking through with a stick doing some weird throwing motion. I said, “whatcha doin’ baby?”
“I’m playing lacrosse daddy..I love lacrosse!,” she said.
I immediately fell to my knees, started shaking….and crying….then got up and stormed back down stairs….
Reader Comments (12)
Hee! Love the stinger at the end.
LOL! Actually red hair is a genetic quirk, just like green eyes....I have the green eyes part, and when I was a kid I had red hair (it went away). Anyway, I almost pissed myself reading this. HAHA I wouldn't worry, I don't think anyone would want to get busy with her wearing that Snuggie. I found a similar product in one of my catalogues today, called a Slanket, and I almost cried.
I was gonna say... I thought he looked so much like you that maybe YOU gave birth to him. All we can hope to be, as parents? Is the parents of kids who are better than we are. Sucess!!
sounds much like a conversation my hubby & I would have, and in fact, we have had that conversation! Ellis' conception date was within 3 days of me being out of town, so he teased that if she came out blond with a southern accent, @tajbryant's hubby was the daddy. and if she came out with brown hair & a southern accent, @jerusalemgreer's hubby was the daddy. yep, I do get around ;)
Redhair requires a gene from BOTH momma and poppa (I know this - I'm one of those gorgeous few!). So if wifey doesn't have red hair (which would immediately have given the answer to "Where does son get his red hair?", then maybe you better check that SHE'S the mom!!!!
Btw... enjoy his red hair. It's becoming rarer and rarer - we are a dying breed, like pandas and tigers. One kind of hopes we never get to dodos and dinosaurs!
JC - I love that you checked out my blog!!!
MamaBennie - that's exactly why I let the wifey keep the Snuggie...cause if it cockblocks me..it cockblocks the world. When that thing's on, nothing keeping her from comfy time..
Martie..well said lady...but, if I birthed that kid..I'd still be in a corner, rocking back and forth crying...the wifey is a fucking hero for spitting that fine dude out like she did..
Tracy..well, I'm glad I don't know you personally...other wise there'd be a third... @whyisdaddycryin if the boy has red hair type of situation I don't need. I'm already running from the law...jeeze....
wow...never thought of it like that Jabulani.. I'm confident he's family..he's got too many of my bad traits and issues.. But thank you - I too love that red hair. I've been a sucker for red hair my entire life...glad my little dude is sporting it.
Man, your beautiful!! I love your posts, I freakin' roll laughing so hard.
Maybe the math gene skipped a generation (or two) or perhaps the boy has his mom's brains. After all, if he's got your big ears, he deserves somthing good, right? LOL
Kristen...I'm gonna assume you mean the blog is beautiful...cause if you meant me..well woman, you should have your eyesight examined. I'm just sayin'
Kat - I couldn't have said it better. Something's gotta even the little bastard out..haha..
Oh my GAWD, this was so effin funny!!! And dude... is that a recent pic of you?? You kinda have that Eagles of Death Metal look going on... sex-ay!
http://liveon35mm.files.wordpress.com/2007/11/eodm6_m.jpg
That might be the funniest thing I have read in a long time - and I needed a laugh tonight!
I can't wait to read more...
Lisa - I've gone hardcore all right...that's a pic of me from this past winter when I cut the beard off, I kept some handlebars for a day just to rock them and say I did..
Kathy - thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it!!