WARNING: You Are Experiencing Children

Most mornings I watch the Today Show in the a.m. Not sure why, but I do.

The other day I’m metro-sexually ironing my clothes, watching the Today Show while thinking to myself, “damn they have a ton of drug commercials on here.”

Naturally…this led me to wonder, “wouldn’t it have been great if my little bastards were born with a warning label like those seen on drug commercials?

All parents would have to agree– hell yes it would. Here’s how my kids’ labels would have read…

(Background image – perfect family, wearing J. Crew clothes, beautiful kids running around an immaculate yard, very clean dog leaping around playfully with the children who are getting along gleefully as the parents enjoy wine in peace, while wearing stylish clothes, and sporting huge smiles because they know they’ll have intense, uninterrupted sex later that night)

Meanwhile, the following is being read by some out-of-work, douchebag ex-dj announcer guy:

“Children are not for everyone. Children may cause you to want to harm mass groups of people for no apparent reason. While pregnant with children you may notice a very drastic impact to your sexual relationship causing you to spend more time than normal naked, in a corner, crying and rocking back-and-forth.

While “making” children you will enjoy yourself. This will be the last “enjoyment” of your life.

If living with children you experience excessive drinking, yelling, kicking of inanimate objects, mumbling to one’s self, hatred of Caillou, hallucinations of Barney taking shots with Big Bird, or the increased love of silence, please consult a doctor.

Those experiencing children should stay away from those without children as it will help increase their unrealistic belief children are great.

Children may cause you to lose excessive amounts of sleep, eat while standing, repeat yourself excessively, and create intricate lies as to why you “must go to the store alone, RIGHT NOW!”

Children are evil.

You will eventually label your children as “cock-blocks.”

While living with children you may puke, experience diarrhea, always have a runny nose, buy stock in hand sanitizer, contemplate muzzles, experiment with shock-collars, and find yourself repetitively walking into walls.

If you find boogers, dried food, spilt milk, un-flushed toilets, skid-marks on underwear, and sheets being used as Kleenex in your house then you are currently experiencing children.

Children can kill you.

(End with the kids quietly building a fort out of rubber blocks while the parents continue to kiss, hug, sip their wine and retire to the bedroom knowing Susie and Mark are safe to play on their own.)