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Entries in booger (2)


To Lie or Not to Lie

Some kids are complete and total liars. They will blatantly look you in the face and tell you the most obvious lie. 

Like most kids, my daughter has just a smidge of that in her…but only when she’s trying to get out of trouble. 

Me: “Macy – did you just eat a Nutty Buddy when it’s 9:30 in the morning?”

Her: “NO!!!”

Me: “You have chocolate on your face and hands. Wanna try that again?”

Her: “I DIDN’T DADDY!! You never believe me!!!” as she stomps off to her room with a Nuddy Buddy wrapper stuck to her shoe.

The boy, he can’t lie…at least not yet. He was born with what has to be the cleanest soul this planet has ever seen.

That sounds like a parent’s dream, but I walk a fine line with getting information out of him because I don’t want to turn him into a liar. 

It’s truly amazing. I could ask him about shit no one would ever know the truth about but him, and he’ll give it to me straight. It’s like he thinks I have some Jedi master all seeing eyeball up in the heavens watching his every move, so I know when he’s lying.

Me: “Grayson, did you flick a booger onto your sister’s bed while no one was around this morning?”

Him: Silence…nervousness.

Me: “Grayson?!”

Him: “Yes daddy, but she flicked a booger at me yesterday!!” 

But the best thing in the world is that he’ll even give me the truth about anything pertaining to me. No longer are the days I put on a pink dress shirt and ask the wife, “hey – does this look good on me?” Only to hear her say, “yeah, you look great, I think you look good in anything.”

No more do I deal with, “hey hun, you think I need to lose 10lbs?” Only to hear, “you could need to lose 50lbs and I’d still think you look terrific.”

Now, I have the Grayson.

I simply set him down, stand before him, brace myself for the fact that some of this truth is gonna sting like a bitch and start asking questions.

Me: “Does this pink shirt look good on me?”

Him: “It looks horrible dad. You should never put it on again.”

Me: “Do you think I need to lose 10lbs?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “25lbs?”

Him: “Yes”

Me: “Does mommy ever turn and look at my butt when I walk by her in the den?”

Him: “No”

Beautiful, huh?

But, I have to keep my guard up around that little bastard because I have no doubt the wife’s using him in the same way. He’s like a larger version of the teddy bear babysitter cam I have implanted in the wife’s dressing area. I have to make sure everything I say and do around him is wife-appropriate, which can be exhausting.

And that is the main reason I’m probably just going to teach him to lie.

Me: “Now, when mommy asks you if I started drinking at 11 this morning you tell her no and I’ll give you $25, OK?”

Him: “OK dad.”



And Now the News, 7-Year-Old Style

The wifey and I make the comment all the time, “the biggest issues in the kids’ lives seem so trivial.”

We think back to our childhood and immediately remember how we believed our lives would end if we didn’t get those blue bicycle wheels. Or those red Converse. Or if Sandy didn’t check that “yes” box on the note I passed to her.

The result of this pondering? What if my kids had a 24-hour, live CNN-style news channel.

I’m assuming it would go a lot like this:

Music: Da da da da, duuuuuuu da da da……

“And now, your anchor, Grayson:”

Grayson: Good evening and welcome to, My Life Is Freakin’ Hard!

Topping tonight is elementary school news. Today, Timothy threw up in front of Sarah. Sarah immediately threw up on Jamal and Fred stepped in it three minutes later.

Art class is canceled this week and we’ll be spending that time reading books with Ms. Woodsworth who smells like daddy when he comes home from the bar.

At lunch, Bobby traded Shay chips for her fruit bar, but sources say Kyle saw Bobby lick some of the chips before the trade was complete.

Our gym teacher Mr. Tobockle didn’t flush the toilet after making a number 2 today, and apparently half the gym class saw it. Mr. Tobockle offered no comment regarding the incident.

This just in, Macy is in her lunch room with a live report. Let’s go to Macy.

Macy what’s the situation there.

Macy: Well Grayson it’s nothing shy of absolute horror. Susie just tried to open her juice box and it exploded all over her. While teachers were trying to calm her, Walker got up and fed our classroom turtle a Twix. Brandon has asked to go to the bathroom a record 13 times and we’ve only been in pre-school 86 minutes so far today. Grayson…we’re all hoping it doesn’t get any worse than this.

Back to you.

Grayson: Horrible…just horrible.

In home news, I peed myself just a tiny bit earlier this morning because daddy was pooping while I was jumping up and down outside the bathroom door begging daddy to please let me pee. I later changed into Spiderman underwear.

An outbreak of parents asking children to do unheard things such as cleaning their messes, making their beds, and brushing their teeth has taken over the mid-west. Officials suggest that children whine excessively, throw things, and make life unnecessarily hard for their parents until the outbreak subsides.

After the break, an exclusive interview with Jed, the seven-year-old boy in my class who eats his own boogers and never whips after he poops.