And Now the News, 7-Year-Old Style
Monday, May 24, 2010 at 7:17AM The wifey and I make the comment all the time, “the biggest issues in the kids’ lives seem so trivial.”
We think back to our childhood and immediately remember how we believed our lives would end if we didn’t get those blue bicycle wheels. Or those red Converse. Or if Sandy didn’t check that “yes” box on the note I passed to her.
The result of this pondering? What if my kids had a 24-hour, live CNN-style news channel.
I’m assuming it would go a lot like this:
Music: Da da da da, duuuuuuu da da da……
“And now, your anchor, Grayson:”
Grayson: Good evening and welcome to, My Life Is Freakin’ Hard!
Topping tonight is elementary school news. Today, Timothy threw up in front of Sarah. Sarah immediately threw up on Jamal and Fred stepped in it three minutes later.
Art class is canceled this week and we’ll be spending that time reading books with Ms. Woodsworth who smells like daddy when he comes home from the bar.
At lunch, Bobby traded Shay chips for her fruit bar, but sources say Kyle saw Bobby lick some of the chips before the trade was complete.
Our gym teacher Mr. Tobockle didn’t flush the toilet after making a number 2 today, and apparently half the gym class saw it. Mr. Tobockle offered no comment regarding the incident.
This just in, Macy is in her lunch room with a live report. Let’s go to Macy.
Macy what’s the situation there.
Macy: Well Grayson it’s nothing shy of absolute horror. Susie just tried to open her juice box and it exploded all over her. While teachers were trying to calm her, Walker got up and fed our classroom turtle a Twix. Brandon has asked to go to the bathroom a record 13 times and we’ve only been in pre-school 86 minutes so far today. Grayson…we’re all hoping it doesn’t get any worse than this.
Back to you.
Grayson: Horrible…just horrible.
In home news, I peed myself just a tiny bit earlier this morning because daddy was pooping while I was jumping up and down outside the bathroom door begging daddy to please let me pee. I later changed into Spiderman underwear.
An outbreak of parents asking children to do unheard things such as cleaning their messes, making their beds, and brushing their teeth has taken over the mid-west. Officials suggest that children whine excessively, throw things, and make life unnecessarily hard for their parents until the outbreak subsides.
After the break, an exclusive interview with Jed, the seven-year-old boy in my class who eats his own boogers and never whips after he poops.
Reader Comments (6)
Oh, yeah, that's spot on target. Although, really, is it any less trivial than some of the real all news channels some days?
Nice job daddy. Coming from someone who worked in TV the motto is "if it bleeds, it leads." No one fell and scraped a knee? Amateurs.
That was great.
This is so funny...and true...and hits home!
I was talking to my 13 year old niece about school and it was amazing the kind of things were ''big news'' items for her to discuss!
the big news here was We finally found the binder full of Yu Gi Oh cards. Trip to the store averted!
Funny. And so true. Four kids barfed in my son's kindergarten class in the past week or so, which was described to me in excruciating detail, which I will spare you. Then my daughter comes home from preschool and I learn that Joseph S. wasn't nice to her so she played with Joseph H., but Joseph S. still wants to marry her but not Madelyn, and that Cami didn't play with them because she wasn't there.
Hell, at least we don't have to worry about sexting at their ages.