To Lie or Not to Lie

Some kids are complete and total liars. They will blatantly look you in the face and tell you the most obvious lie. 

Like most kids, my daughter has just a smidge of that in her…but only when she’s trying to get out of trouble. 

Me: “Macy – did you just eat a Nutty Buddy when it’s 9:30 in the morning?”

Her: “NO!!!”

Me: “You have chocolate on your face and hands. Wanna try that again?”

Her: “I DIDN’T DADDY!! You never believe me!!!” as she stomps off to her room with a Nuddy Buddy wrapper stuck to her shoe.

The boy, he can’t lie…at least not yet. He was born with what has to be the cleanest soul this planet has ever seen.

That sounds like a parent’s dream, but I walk a fine line with getting information out of him because I don’t want to turn him into a liar. 

It’s truly amazing. I could ask him about shit no one would ever know the truth about but him, and he’ll give it to me straight. It’s like he thinks I have some Jedi master all seeing eyeball up in the heavens watching his every move, so I know when he’s lying.

Me: “Grayson, did you flick a booger onto your sister’s bed while no one was around this morning?”

Him: Silence…nervousness.

Me: “Grayson?!”

Him: “Yes daddy, but she flicked a booger at me yesterday!!” 

But the best thing in the world is that he’ll even give me the truth about anything pertaining to me. No longer are the days I put on a pink dress shirt and ask the wife, “hey – does this look good on me?” Only to hear her say, “yeah, you look great, I think you look good in anything.”

No more do I deal with, “hey hun, you think I need to lose 10lbs?” Only to hear, “you could need to lose 50lbs and I’d still think you look terrific.”

Now, I have the Grayson.

I simply set him down, stand before him, brace myself for the fact that some of this truth is gonna sting like a bitch and start asking questions.

Me: “Does this pink shirt look good on me?”

Him: “It looks horrible dad. You should never put it on again.”

Me: “Do you think I need to lose 10lbs?”

Him: “No.”

Me: “25lbs?”

Him: “Yes”

Me: “Does mommy ever turn and look at my butt when I walk by her in the den?”

Him: “No”

Beautiful, huh?

But, I have to keep my guard up around that little bastard because I have no doubt the wife’s using him in the same way. He’s like a larger version of the teddy bear babysitter cam I have implanted in the wife’s dressing area. I have to make sure everything I say and do around him is wife-appropriate, which can be exhausting.

And that is the main reason I’m probably just going to teach him to lie.

Me: “Now, when mommy asks you if I started drinking at 11 this morning you tell her no and I’ll give you $25, OK?”

Him: “OK dad.”